Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 7, 2024 14:24:15 GMT -8
In the Beginning
Susan Peabody
I have a friend who was married for thirty years, so he is very naive about how to navigate a relationship in this modern era. When he got married the rules were different. The women were different. The social media did not exist. Casual sex did not exist. As a result, he is confused. In order to help him, after three failed relationships in a span of two months, I am giving him the following advice.
▪ When you first meet someone in this modern era all you are looking for is attraction. In past generations you were looking for a breadwinner, a good conversationalist, a homemaker, a mother or father to your children, a companion, etc. etc.
▪ Attraction can be misleading because we are sometimes attracted to people for the wrong reasons known only to us and our therapist.
▪ Attraction releases certain chemicals into our body that feel great. This is called a state of limerence.
▪ Unfortunately, limerence blinds us for the necessity of other things like compatibility and longevity.
▪ Limerence triggers fantasies, passion, and infatuation (idealizing someone you do not know very well.
▪ The fantasies include:
1. Dreams of a future together;
2. A never-ending relationship that never changes;
3. The desire to be together all the time;
4. The feeling that this will last forever;
5. Endless thoughts of the person you are infatuated with;
6. The desire to make plans for the future;
7. A tendency to overlook signs that this relationship may not work;
8. An over-commitment of your time and financial resources.
9. In other words, “love is blind.”
During this phase of a relationship it is important to stay grounded in reality, notice red flags, pay attention to red flags, and act on them. This is very difficult. It is like trying not to get high after smoking marijuana.
Do not invest too much of yourself in this relationship during this time. Do not do anything major like settling your house to move to Texas. Do not get married. Stay close to your friends who are not blinded by romantic love. This is recovery. Always, stay ready to let go and move on.