The Pros & Cons of Forgiveness

Forgive: "To give up resentment of or claim to requital for; to cease to feel resentment against (an offender); to stop blaming or being angry with (someone) for something they have done." Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Forgiveness is simply changing your mind about someone. When you change your mind your feelings change, then your behavior, and then your life. Where the engine goes the caboose follows. Is forgiveness important to change? Some people think so and others don’t.

In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, the author Bill Wilson (the co-founder of AA) discusses forgiveness by making it necessary for sobriety. He does not call it forgiveness, but letting go of resentment, and it is not to please others, but in the interest of self.

"Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spirituality malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.... It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.... [T]his business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal.... If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.... They [resentments] may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison." (p. 64-65)

On the other hand, there are the scientific psychologists (as opposed to the transpersonal therapists), like Susan Forward, in Toxic Parents, and Laura Davis in The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, who proclaim that forgiveness is not necessarily a part of the process of changing. It might even be dangerous. In talking about recovering from an abusive childhood, Susan Forward says this:

"At this point, you may be asking yourself, “Isn’t the first step to forgive my parents?” My answer is no. . . . [It is not necessary to forgive your parents in order to feel better about yourself and to change your life.... Why in the world should you “Pardon” a father who terrorized and battered you, who made your childhood a living hell? ... Early in my professional career I too believed that to forgive people who had injured you, especially your parents, was an important part of the healing process.... The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this absolution was really another form of denial.... One of the most dangerous things about forgiveness is that it undercuts your ability to let go of your pent-up emotions. How can you acknowledge your anger against a parent whom you’ve already forgiven?" (pp 187-189)

The question is this: Is it possible that Bill Wilson and Susan Forward are both right? Yes. Susan Forward is correct when she says that we must own our anger. Anger is honest. Anger in the right setting is therapeutic. Anger can lead to justice. Anger can free us from tyranny. And by coming out against forgiveness Forward allows us to take our time without shame. Bill Wilson, in my opinion, is also right. If we stop hating people, we feel better about ourselves and others.

So how do we reconcile these two opposing views? The easiest way is to differentiate between anger and resentment. Anger is an emotion of the moment. Resentment is anger re-visited over and over again when we least want or expect it. It is not a positive emotion and it can get us in a lot of trouble.

The process of letting go of resentments is called forgiveness and sometimes it is the hardest thing we ever do, but I believe it is important, for me at least, not just because I get tired of hating people, but because I want to be forgiven for my own shortcomings as well.

It might be helpful to realize that letting go of anger does not mean you have to like the person who hurt you, or continue to let that person persecute you, or even be around the person. Sometimes, you have to love people from a distance.

Furthermore, forgiveness is not a constant state. It ebbs and flows like the tide. You sometimes feel good about those who hurt you and other times you feel the anger all over again. But this does mean you have not progressed. I have found that as long as I ask God for the strength to release my anger, or I announce it in my support group that I am going to “turn it over,” or I tell my therapist I am really tired of these rage dreams and want them to go away, that the anger comes less and less often.

Despite my own personal feelings about forgiveness as a therapeutic and healing device (and the right moral choice for me), I feel strongly that it is a very personal choice and that no one should be told to forgive when they are not ready. They should not be shamed by others, and they should not shame themselves. They should just push themselves gently in the right direction.

Forgiving Yourself

As I mentioned earlier, there is another obstacle to change that most people don’t think about and that is the guilt and shame we feel for hurting others. We get so caught up in these feelings that we lack the motivation to move on. Many people can’t even get started because of this burden. Fortunately, there is a solution to this age-old problem—forgiving ourselves.

To begin forgiving yourself, it is important to accept the fact that you are not perfect. Embrace your humanity and the fact that you make mistakes. The resulting humility is necessary for change.

If you are addicted to guilt, take a look at this. By this I mean that some people wear guilt and shame like a comfortable old coat. It kind of looks bad and smells funny, but it is familiar. Professionals are not sure why people cling to guilt and shame. Many religions stress doing penance as a virtue, so maybe such people are just trying to make up for what they have done by bearing the burden of guilt and shame longer than necessary.

Once you are ready to forgive yourself, the best way to get started is the time-honored ritual of making amends. In 12-Step programs this process incorporates both the 8th and 9th steps.

Please note that making amends means more than an apology. If you are rude to someone in the grocery store maybe saying you are sorry is enough, but it you are rude to a friend all the time, making amends is offering your friend a new relationship—one in which he or she is no longer being hurt.

If you have some serious amends to make, what 12-Step programs call “wreckage of the past,” making it will be harder than you think and will not always take the course you want or expect. Still, it must be done if you are to change.