Giving Advice

Dear Carlos:

We cannot fix people, but we can guide them and give advice. The secret is knowing when and with whom. Here are some pointers.

1. When relationships are new, especially romantic ones, give no advice, even if they ask for it. Women and men may ask for advice, but they really don't want it. They want support and a good listener and reassurance.

2. With a client, ask them if they want feedback and then proceed accordingly.

3. Use SET communication when you think advice is welcome. Support, Empathy, Truth.

4. When giving advice remember that we often tell people what we need to tell ourselves.

5. When in doubt give no advice. Return a question with, "What do you think?" I used to get angry when my therapist said this to me. I really wanted his advice. But when he did break down and give it to me, I was not ready to hear it until I had been in therapy for about a year. This is also true of my son Karl. All advice is seen as rejection.

6. In my own life, I have always given advice for money instead of just loving the person who needed me. I think it was an unconscious distancing tactic or a way of holding on to a dysfunctional relationship that needed to end.

7. The secret to all relationships in TIMING. This comes from experience; not books or courses. It is learned from trial and error.

8. I am speaking to myself now. I need to practice what I preach. I hope you know that I do love and support you and that you have to stop me when I have given you too much advice. I think I am finally mature enough to take it. I hope so anyway.

Your friend Susan Peabody