Self-Referencing

Self-referencing is a natural part of our ego development. It is at its strongest when we are about five years old. It simply means that we believe the world revolves around us and whatever is going on we are responsible. It can manifest itself as selfishness (not wanting to share our toys) or blaming ourselves for everything that goes wrong. When my mother was sad, I always blamed myself. Today, I call this "Mom sad; me bad."

Self-referencing is the beginning of a child's sense of self. The opinions of their parents and relatives will leave their mark at this time. If the parents have a high regard for a child at this stage, they will develop self-esteem. If children are shamed and told that they are "bad" or inadequate, they will grow up with low self-esteem and all the consequences that go with it. (depression, anxiety, fear, etc.)

As we grow older, and are taught by adults to care about others, we are supposed to outgrow this stage of development. We care for ourselves, but we are also able to care for others. There is balance. Many people, however, get stuck at this stage. Most of us vacillate on this matter. We are an adult sometimes and a child at other times.

As adults, addiction becomes a form of self-referencing. In AA we are told to "get outside or ourselves," but in ACA we are taught to put ourselves first. We must learn when to do each.