Why Couples are Ambivalent

Many couples get stuck in relationship ambivalence for years, unclear whether to keep trying to improve things or let the relationship end. Once ambivalence takes hold, it becomes the focal point, creating entrapping vicious cycles of thoughts and feelings that lead us nowhere. As you break the chains of ambivalence, ask, “What happens if we break our current patterns? What would our relationship look like next?”

"Tears streamed down Sheri’s face as she and Justin talked themselves in circles. They were not happy in their marriage, but the alternative of letting it go felt untenable."

How could that ever be a happier option? They had been together for decades, had kids, and had a life together. Should they keep trying to make this work, or were they entrenching themselves deeper and deeper into frustration and resentment? They felt trapped in cycles they had long tried to change, and hope was draining out.

She urgently wanted him to see that she was at a breaking point with his chronic stress and negativity. Justin was unhappy, too. He was frustrated that Sheri was often removing herself, retreating from him. “To protect me from your barking,” she would say. He shook his head sadly. They were both lonely.

They sat in my therapy room at an impasse. They were both in pain from years of this ongoing struggle, feeling hurt, lonely, and misunderstood. As their patterns had become more entrenched, they had experienced fewer and fewer times of connection, felt less and less at ease in the other’s company, and became more and more concerned that they might not find a way back to happiness.

They were trapped in a cycle they knew they couldn’t maintain, and they had come to therapy in a deep state of relationship ambivalence: neither wanted to stay in the relationship anymore, yet neither wanted to let it go. They both valued the family structure they had with their kids. Neither wanted to feel “responsible” for disrupting divorce.

Both had been raised to “tough it out and make it work” and felt ashamed for even considering divorce. So maybe, they mused, we should hang on, or maybe should just get a divorce.

These cycles can feel inextricable, and we can accidentally stay stuck in them for years and years, never making progress towards change, toiling away in a relationship low in joy and high in ambivalence.

Over time, the ambivalence itself takes center stage. The focus stops being on the relationship dynamics themselves or the possibility of something more positive in the future, whether together or not. Instead, the focus becomes the very question, “Should I stay or should I go?”

Many couples get stuck in this ambivalence, where it feels like there’s no good solution, no winning options. It feels like quicksand. The harder they try to find a way out, the deeper the mire. Once ambivalence kicks in, we often get stuck in some cognitive and emotional loops that feel like one of those escape rooms—a space designed to feel impossible to exit.

So how can we pull ourselves out of the grips of the sticky ambivalence and make space to move forward?

1. The first step is to reframe the question. Let go of “Should I stay or should I go?” What we know at this stage of the game is that you want out—you want out of the version of the relationship that currently exists. One way or another, it is time to exit the old version of the relationship and create something new. The real question is, “What is the new version of our relationship going to be?” But don’t jump to whether that means staying together or separating. Don’t go there yet, because the truth is we don’t know. If you spend energy trying to answer a question you don’t yet know the answer to, you will exhaust yourself, getting nowhere. That takes you back to the quicksand, expending effort that just sinks you deeper into the problem.

The question at this point, as you break the chains of ambivalence, isn’t about the structure of the relationship–together vs. apart. The question is: “What happens if we break our current patterns? What would our relationship look like next?”

2. Identify what changes you can make. This is important. To see what something different can look like, you have to focus on what you can do differently. Don’t play your role anymore in the cycles that exist.

Let’s look at Sheri and Justin as an example. Sheri has long been trapped in the thought that she needs Justin to be less negative so she can feel happier; Justin has been trapped in the thought that he needs Sheri to be more soothing when he’s in his negative space. They have both fallen into the “If only you would…” trap.