The History of Romantic Love

The beginning of romantic love as an ideal dates back to medieval times, but it was not until the 18th century that we saw the rise of romantic marriage. During the 18th century, society encouraged young people to select their marriage partners based on their romantic attachments.

This was a decided change from past practice when marriages had been arranged to cement relationships between families or clans and to consolidate fortunes. The feelings of brides and grooms were not of paramount consideration. While love and respect might be a by-product of marriage, young couples had not entered into marriage with that expectation.

As expectations increased that marriage would be built on a foundation of love rather than mutual, economic interest, the way that partners were selected had to evolve. When parents stopped making the selection, prospective lovers needed to find one another and then determine the extent of mutual attraction.

Courtship became a distinctive phase of partner selection, and familiar rituals evolved. Young women, perhaps more than young men, often enjoyed the process of courtship as it represented a time of freedom and choice. The selection of a husband was the most important decision a girl would make, but it was also the most autonomous. Courting empowered young women. They decided who to accept or reject, and some wielded their power ruthlessly.

Courtship requires that prospective lovers reveal their feelings and that they do so more creatively and sincerely than their competitors.

Romance also blossomed in nineteenth century American culture. Both men and women were encouraged to express their most intimate thoughts in letters. High literacy rates and a reliable postal service facilitated romantic communication.

The letter-writing culture flourished. Letter-writing manuals provided sample love letter language for those who were not naturally adept at self-expression. Or, lovers could quote their favorite poets, drawing from an abundance of romantic literature. Elizabeth Barrett published the love poems she composed to her future husband Robert Browning, at his insistence, after overcoming her reluctance to share their intimate correspondence.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height. My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight for the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day’s most quiet need, by sun and candlelight. I love thee freely, as men strive for right; I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

Throughout the nineteenth century, middle and upper class married women were idealized for their role as mothers and helpmates. Whereas earlier generations recognized women as making economic contributions to households and family businesses, nineteenth-century social conventions diminished their role. Instead, their part, often called the Cult of Domesticity, was to create a pleasant and restorative environment for their husbands while raising children to be contributing citizens.

When households began to be constituted as a breadwinner husband and homemaker wife, the practical advantages of marriage, such as the wife’s ability to economically manage a household, were minimized. While romantic love flourished, there was an increasing idealization of women as mothers and wives. (This continued after World War II and did not change until the feminist movement of the seventies.)

Women’s eligibility for marriage became increasingly tied to their appearance and social ability, though wealth and familial connections remained important factors to prospective partners.

At this point, men took the lead in partner selection, choosing which women to pursue while women waited to be selected.

There was an expectation that everyone would eventually marry, both men and women, but men were expected also to establish a career and a public persona.

For women, becoming a wife and mother was an achievement to aspire to. Therefore, women were discouraged from participating in activities that might make them less suited to marriage, such as higher education.

Society was furthermore suspicious of women who did not marry, often characterizing them as deviants or old maids, and limiting their options. Being single was considered a "fate worse than death."