Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 25, 2024 8:31:55 GMT -8
The Phantom Lover
Susan Peabody
The phantom lover is in your imagination. It is a fantasy person you have created in your childhood of the perfect man or woman—your soul mate.
You slowly create your phantom lover over your childhood, based on significant people in your life and figures presented in movies and books about romantic love.
Sometime, in early adolescence, your phantom lover is finished, and you go hunting for him or her. You never really stop looking no matter how old you get.
With some people, the phantom lover is a very important person. When you meet him, you feel an instant attraction and intimacy that you think you have been waiting for all of your life. Your phantom lover seems perfect, and you are very excited about finally meeting him or her.
Everybody has an phantom lover, but if you grew up in a loving home, and your phantom lover is a good person, things may work out when you meet him. But insecure people always have a “negative phantom lover,” which is unavailable, narcissistic, selfish, controlling, and unable to reciprocate your love. All this is disguised in the beginning of course. Some of these people lose all perspective. They begin to ignore things that should be noticed like this person being unavailable or distant.
No matter how many negative things are going on, such people dismiss them as being irrelevant. Then out of the blue your phantom lover declares that the relationship is not working for him, and you are left heartbroken.
People with high self-esteem move on, insecure people dig in their heels and try to win the phantom lover back.
If their phantom lover is a seductive withholder, he or she will come back, and the dance will begin all over again. If this continues they may get more hooked on the relationship.
In the conscious mind, the phantom lover is whomever you want him to be. In your unconscious mind he is the only one you want. You may leave a good marriage or even be willing to die for this person. Many people want to kill themselves rather than let go of what they think is their soul mate.
To end this cycle, you must awaken yourself to the truth that you are in love with a fantasy as much as the man or woman you are chasing. Then you must let go of both the fantasy and the person and move on to recovery. Recovery is about letting go and moving on.
Many people would rather be alone than give up the excitement of a relationship with their pantom lover. Their other relationships seem boring and seem to have something missing. This is the way all addicts are. They chase after the high that they had in the beginning of the relationship. Rarely are they able to hold on to it.
When you are mature enough to date, you want to look at your phantom lover and talk to your inner child about creating a new, healthy person. There will be less excitement and drama, but this is better than having to go into withdrawal again with another phantom lover.
In my book, Dating with a Purpose, I suggest that insecure people, with a history of picking the wrong type of person, look for a healthy person and give up the phantom lover of their imagination. This will all take time, but it is worth it. You will be happier than you have ever been before. Less drama and more happiness.