An Introduction to Love Addiction

Being obsessed with a person or a relationship, and calling that obsession love, is a phenomenon that is finally being recognized as a pervasive and serious problem. Anne Schaef, in her book Co-dependence: Misunderstood, Mistreated, gives us an informative look at what the mental health field calls "co-dependence" (obsessing about an alcoholic or chemically dependent partner).

Robin Norwood takes obsessing in relationships out of the realm of substance abuse by directing our attention to the heartbreaking dilemma of "loving too much."

Finally, in their analysis of this phenomenon, Howard Halpern, in How to Break an Addiction to a Person, and Stanton Peele, in Love and Addiction, not only explain the origins of obsessive behavior in relationships, they point out that this behavior is symptomatic of an addiction.

Halpern and Peele have a point. Obsessing about a person or a relationship is symptomatic of an addiction. To clarify this point further, let me explain how the addiction process works.

It all begins with what seems like an innocent attraction to someone, which quickly turns into an infatuation (idealizing someone you don't know very well). The potential love addict, who is insecure and hungry for love, takes this infatuation much too seriously and easily becomes blinded by the exhilarating effects of "love at first sight." (By "blinded" I mean incapable of being practical or unable to avoid potentially unhealthy situations.)

Once Cupid has hit his mark, the soon-to-be love addict quickly becomes excessively preoccupied with the loved one. Every other aspect of his or her life becomes less important than this new lover, and endless hours are spent fantasizing about how the relationship is going to develop.

Of course, to a certain extent we all go through this when we fall in love, but with the love addict there is no holding back or common sense. Responsible behavior flies out the window and everybody and everything takes a back seat to this new relationship. (For those who think this is normal behavior, think again. Even if romantic love is blossoming, it is not healthy to turn your life upside down and become a slave to your feelings.)

At about this point, love addicts will project onto the loved one all of their dreams for eternal happiness via the reinforcing effects of romantic love. Of course, someone who is emotionally secure realizes that one person cannot be totally responsible for another person's happiness, but love addicts (who are looking for someone to "fix" them) don't comprehend this idea, and they proceed to pin all of their hopes for happiness on this one person.

To one degree or another, we all fall victim to the illusion that someone else is responsible for our happiness, but love addicts cling to this idea as if it were a life or death situation. They are totally convinced that their happiness lies in the hands of someone else and life for them is just an endless search for the holder of their dreams.

Once the love addict has projected all of his or her dreams for happiness onto the new lover (unconsciously making the decision that only this person can make him or her happy), the dependency stage of the addiction is triggered and with it the love addict's deep-seated fear that the relationship will end and his or her dreams will be smashed. At this point, with so much at stake, a pattern of obsessive behavior emerges.

This pattern is designed to ensure that the relationship survives. The love addict will now start trying to control their partner as a self-defeating way of holding on.

The particulars will vary with each relationship, but the goal is the same: hold on at any cost to this person, this relationship, this dream.

This is the stage at which the relationship usually begins to deteriorate. This is because while the love addict is putting forth so much energy to keep the relationship alive, his or her partner is usually reacting to this in a negative way.

Depending on the individual and the situation, the love addict's partner will now begin to feel smothered, overburdened, intimidated, angry, and/or ungrateful. (In some cases, he or she will also feel free to become increasingly selfish, demanding, dishonest, neglectful or abusive, i.e., take advantage of the love addict.


Of course, this puts more stress on the relationship and the love addict tries even harder to hold things together. This further erodes the relationship and a vicious cycle begins.

The hallmark of an addictive relationship is the fact that this deterioration does not mean the end of the union. Because love addicts are dependent (hooked) on their relationships to keep their dreams of happiness alive, they are far from ready to give up so easily.

Instead, they work out an increasingly elaborate network of denial so they can pretend nothing is wrong. This is very sad. "Diminishing returns" would discourage other people, but a real love addict holds on even tighter. It's sort of like hanging onto a live wire. It hurts, but you can't let go.

Eventually, the stress of all this will take its toll, and the love addict's emotional and physical well-being will start to deteriorate along with the relationship. Stress related disorders become chronic and other obsessions (food, alcohol, drugs) become a tempting way to dull the pain. This is the final stage of the addiction and often the turning point. This is when the relationship usually explodes or falls apart.

Unfortunately, the end of one addictive relationship is not always the end of the love addict's battle with this emotional problem.

For many sufferers, this way of relating to others is a pattern in their lives, and when one addictive relationship ends another just begins. In time the resiliency of the person who loves addictively will decrease and their physical and emotional ailments will become life-threatening. They may even die.

As Robin Norwood puts it, "...I want to reiterate that loving too much can kill you." It is this phenomenon of "dying for love" which particularly validates Halpern's and Peele's assertion that obsessing about a person in the name of love is symptomatic of an addiction. Anyone who holds onto something at the risk of their own life is addicted.

Excerpt from my book Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships.