Immediate Gratification

Infants want immediate gratification. They intuitively know that they will die if they are not fed. The moment they are uncomfortable they want to changed and comforted. We understand this when it comes to infants.

As we grow up, we are supposed to become patient. Immediate gratification is considered immature.

Some children, those who get their basic needs met, just outgrow their need for immediate gratification. Others never outgrow it, so they have to learn delayed gratification. They have to force themselves to be patient and live with the anxiety that goes with saying "no" to a compulsion. Our urges can be overwhelming, but they can all be conquered in time if we really work hard. It is not an easy task.

If there is no one in our lives to help us learn to be patient, we rarely do so. However, when our compulsiveness becomes out of control, and we become addicts, we often take a look at this problem. We can see the relationship between our rage and being put in jail, or the relationship between our drinking and the loss of our family.

If we have obsessive compulsive disorder it is difficult, and almost impossible to delay gratification. Some of us need divine intervention. I know I did. However, once we understand that delayed gratification is a learned behavior we can take the following steps.

▪ Identify the behavior or situation which demands patience.

▪ Make a list of the consequences of not doing so.

▪ Make a list of alternative behaviors.

▪ Get help from a support group and/or therapy.

▪ Make a decision to do the right thing no matter how hard it is.

▪ Congratulate yourself when you are successful.

▪ Share your success with others.

▪ Become a role model to give yourself an incentive to keep changing.

▪ Celebrate each victory no matter how small.

▪ Accept progress not perfection.

▪ Take a new step as your confidence grows.

▪ Love yourself no matter how slow things go.

Alternative Behaviors
A Personal Journey

My first compulsion as a child was to rage and become violent when I was bullied. Then I could absolutely not give up overeating. Then I became a love addict. I was a slave to romantic love. I could not stop shoplifting. Finally, I became an alcoholic.

In recovery, I first began to deal with my desire to drink and get drunk. I looked at my pattern of drinking. I went to work and then went home and got drunk. Over the years my drinking escalated. I started drinking at lunch time. I started going to bars after work. I started drinking at home. At my sponsor's suggestion I found alternative behaviors. I went to lunch with my sober friends. I drank coffee instead of alcohol. Instead of going to bars on Saturday night, I got all dressed up and went to an A.A. meeting. Instead of isolating, so I could drink, I made friends and began to socialize.

Next, I dealt with my compulsive overeating. Instead of getting an extra helping. I sat down at the computer and taught myself how to build a website. I exchanged overeating with moderate eating. When the voice in my head said, "let's eat," I said out loud "we are done eating for the day." When I started fantasizing about ice cream, I read my list of all the reasons I did not want to overeat.

Next, I tackled my love addiction. Instead of fantasizing about finding the love of my life, I sat down and wrote about recovery. I replaced my desire for romance with a desire to become a published writer. Working on this became more important than romantic love. It kept me busy. It kept me focused. It gave me something to do besides chasing after men.

My next hurdle was shoplifting. I took a look at this and decided that the urge to steal was directly related to my suppressed anger. I wrote about this. Then, I decided that rather than steal, I would feel my anger and process it with my therapist.

Finally, years later, I dealt with my rage. I looked carefully at the origins of my anger with my therapist. It was rooted in the bullying I had experienced as a child. It was a coping mechanism and it got so out of control that I had sometimes acted as a bully myself. My alternative behavior was to imagine that the person I was angry with had had a difficult life and was now having a bad day. Instead of lunging at the person, I just walked away. When my anger was justified, I found someone to vent with.

In early recovery my sponsor pointed out that I was immature. I was in a place mentally where I was ready to accept the truth and so slowly, but surely, I became, for the most part, a mature adult. This has given me the self-respect that is the most important part of my self-esteem. I have more to do but I am happy with my progress. I thank God for helping me over the years.