Couples & the Inner Child

In his book Your Inner Child of the Past, Hugh Missildine has a chapter for couples. He declares that there are four inner children in a relationship: your own inner child and the inner child of your partner.

When I am counseling couples I sometimes introduce them to their inner child and the inner child of their partner. We discuss this for awhile and if they accept the concept, I explain that in recovery only one inner child can come out at any given time. If your partner's inner child is out, you must stay in your adult personality. If your inner child is out, your partner but behave like an adult.

For this exercise to work you must take the time, in advance, to understand your own inner child as well as your partner's inner child. You must also develop some sympathy for your partner when you discover he or she has a wounded inner child from the past. The one exception to this is when your partner's inner child is abusive. If this happens, and your partner will not get into recovery you should leave.

Here is an example of how understanding each other's inner child can help a couple solve a disagreement. Years ago, I was counseling a couple who had a long-standing disagreement about who would cook dinner. John wanted a home cooked dinner every night. Sally did not want to cook at all. I suspected that this argument involved their inner children.

I asked John why a home-cooked meal meant so much to him. He said when he was a boy, his mother expressed her love for him by cooking every night. "Other than this," he said, "she was rather distant. As a result, John's inner child only felt loved when his wife cooked for him.

Next I asked Sally why she did not want to cook for John. She said, "I hate to cook." I asked her why. She said, "When I was young my mother was an alcoholic, and I had to cook for my younger siblings. I hated it and resented my mother for making me do it. When John wants me to cook I resent him like I resented my mother.

Now that we understood what each of their inner children had to say the argument ended, because both Sally and John could now sympathize with each other. As a result, they came up with a compromise. Sally agreed to cook for John one day a week, and John would learn how to cook or at least operate the microwave.

This is all what I call healthy communication.