Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 14, 2024 8:46:22 GMT -8
The Progression of Love Addiction
Susan Peabody
I am a recovering love addict and I write about love addiction. I am often asked where does love leave off and addiction begin. This is a good question. The word addiction is over used in this society and we don’t want to give up on love unless we know it is an addiction.
If it is love, you are happy most of the time in your relationship; you get along most of the time; there is more good than bad in the relationship If it is addiction, relationships are painful and you are unhappy after the honeymoon is over. Love is unrequited. But you can't let go. You can't stop loving. You can't move on.
Stage One
Stage Two
In this stage our infatuation has turned to pre-occupation and then obsession. If our partner withdraws or want some space we panic. We call him incessantly. We pour over his facebook page. We look at our email every five minutes hoping for a message from him. We start to feel as if we would die without him.
Stage Three
Dying for Love
Summary of Typical Progression
Love addiction has its roots in unmet childhood needs. So let’s begin there and see how love addiction progresses. If you identify with any of these stages you may be a love addict.
⋅ Childhood trauma occurs (neglect, abuse, etc.);
⋅ An attachment disorder appears;
⋅ An excessive hunger for love first appears;
⋅ Low self-esteem begins to develop;
⋅ A fear of abandonment and loneliness appear;
⋅ Emotional pain becomes apparent;
⋅ A need for relief increases;
⋅ Unhealthy mood altering experiences are used to relieve anxiety;
⋅ Romantic fantasies become a fix for your loneliness and depression;
⋅ A preoccupation with romance becomes habitual;
⋅ Relationships become a fix for your unhappiness and low self-esteem;
⋅ Unhealthy dependencies on relationships begin to appear;
⋅ An obsession with someone may occur;
⋅ Once you are in love, you can’t let go no matter how bad the relationship is;
⋅ You develop a high level of tolerance for suffering in a relationship;
⋅ You believe the person you are in love with is the only one in the world who can make you happy.
⋅ If a relationship ends, addictive behavior appears: obsession, too much texting and emailing, driving by someone's house to see what they are doing. In some cases stalking and violence..
⋅ Problems develop outside the relationship. Your job may be affected or your relationships with your children, family, and friends may deteriorate. Still, you can’t let go.
⋅ Emotional distress appears;
⋅ Health problems appear;
⋅ Subsidiary addictions continue to progress like drinking, shopping, exercising, or anorexia;
⋅ Dying for Love: As pointed out by Robin Norwood, in her book Women Who Love Too Much, obsessing in a relationship cannot only cause physical and emotional problems, it can kill you. Death may come from stress related disorders (heart failure, strokes, ulcers, etc.), or from the violence that is often a part of an addictive relationship. Death can also come as a result of suicide.
If you recognize yourself in this description of how love addiction progresses, get help.
If you decide you are a love addict then here is what you can do about it. I cannot say in this article what many books explain, but here is a short list.
We must courageously face our own shortcomings;
We must make changes in how we think about love and how we behave when we are in love;
Accept that it progress not perfection;
We should seek out support groups and/or therapy;
In these environments we must grieve the past and then let it go;
It is imperative that we work on building our self esteem;
We must let go of an addictive relationship;
We must only get involved with available, loving, and compatible men.
All of this worked for me and today I am happily married after years of unhealthy relationships. The most important thing I did was to change. I stopped thinking that romantic love was more important than loving a loving and kind man. I stopped thinking my partner had to be really handsome. I stopped thinking that I deserved neglect and abuse. I stopped dating and worked on myself for years before I started looking again. I trusted the wisdom of all the people who wrote about love addiction instead of thinking I knew it all. I changed—one day at a time