Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 17, 2024 13:37:26 GMT -8
Unconditional Love Revisited
Susan Peabody
When I went into counseling to fix my abusive marriage, I was told by my therapist that I was too loyal and generous. “What does that mean?” I asked. “It means you do too much for others,” he replied. “How can you be too charitable?” I cried. “Didn’t Christ ask us to love each other unconditionally? Isn’t that one of the most important Christian principles? Aren’t we supposed to walk that extra mile and turn the other cheek? (Mt 5:39-41). Doesn’t love "bear all things and endure all things"? (1 Cor 13: 7). “Not always,” he replied. I was dumbfounded. After all, he was a Christian counselor.
My therapist went on to suggest that I get a divorce. I refused. I wanted to honor my marriage vows, and so I stayed married to my husband. “I will just keep loving him unconditionally,” I thought to myself, “and that will heal him and our marriage.” Unfortunately, the more I loved my husband unconditionally, the more abusive he got. He gave new meaning to the expression, “biting the hand that feeds you.”
Eventually, I realized I was putting my children in danger by staying married to this man and so I divorced him. Then I spent years going to a support group for women trying to figure out whether unconditional love was good or bad.
What were my conclusions? Well, today, I believe that unconditional love is good and important, but that it is not always the best course of action. Sometimes, to love someone, you must place conditions are your good will. Marriage would be an example. Love in a marriage should be reciprocal or flowing in both directions. And while Christ may ask us to love our enemy, we do not have to marry him.
In other words, love does always have to be accompanied by turning the other cheek. That cheek can get pretty swollen. Sometimes we have to take a step backward and love from a distance. We have to say to our partners, “I will love you without conditions, but I will not live with you. If you respect me and treat me in accordance with Christ’s doctrine on marriage, I will stick with you through the bad times. If you abuse me, I will have to abandon the marriage.”
While I might have to place conditions on my good will, I do not have to give up the love part of unconditional love. By this I mean that I do not have to give up the tenderness I felt for my husband-—the feelings that led me to “bear all things” for so long.
Saying that unconditional love is important, but not always practical, is not easy. I don’t want to abandon the ideal of unconditional love. However, I will say that I am happier and more fulfilled now that I realize I deserve to receive love as well as give it.
I also look for opportunities to continue practicing unconditional love, when appropriate. I help others without expecting anything in return. I try to love my neighbor, walk that extra mile, and turn the other cheek. I will just not bear all things within the context of marriage unless my husband is doing the same.
Loyalty
One of the most important forms of love is loyalty. When I was younger, I was the most loyal person in the world. In high school I was voted the “most loyal senior” at graduation. Twelve years later, I came to the conclusion that I was “too loyal,” to the point of losing myself in the process and neglecting others who needed me like my children.
Today, I try to find the proverbial “middle ground.” Here are some suggestions about when we should be loyal and when we should not.
Pseudo Generosity: Loyalty that stems from fear, guilt or obligation is misguided. Loyalty born of my spiritual nature, comes from a person with well-established self-esteem. They are usually doing for others only what they would do for themselves under other circumstances.
Balance: Misguided loyalty is exclusive to one person—there is none left over for us or anyone else. If I am buying presents for others constantly, but refusing to accept them for myself, something is wrong. If I am paying all the bills so I don’t have money for my charities, it is “too much.”
Buying Love: Misguided loyalty is an attempt to get something in return. Will you love me if I take care of you? If I am loyal, will you love me forever?
Of course, there is always a fine line between misguided loyalty and loyalty born of our spiritual nature. This is because we are human. We want to love unconditionally but we don’t realize we need to be kind to ourselves. Even the Bible says to love others “as much as” we love ourselves.