Post by sillypoppet on Feb 10, 2009 18:08:04 GMT -8
I feel like this is the appropriate place to discuss this, since we're talking "spirituality." For the past several months, I've been terribly miserable and lonely. I often find myself thinking I'm a complete failure in every aspect of life. Up until this last week, I didn't realize how spiritually wounded I am.
About two years ago, I started seriously searching out God. I had gone through a series of relationships, one in which we were engaged. I started going to Bible study, participated in church functions, and was baptized. For the most part, I felt like that feeling of rejection and pain was gone. I broke away from my PoA, finished my last semester of college studying abroad, and found a job with a Christian Company.
I started dating again and fell in love. Naturally, I got my heart broken yet again. I don't want to go into it, he treated me horribly.
About six months later, I met another man, one who professed to have a strong Christian faith. We dated for 2 months, until he decided that I was to blame for his "sexual immorality" (I ended up giving into the pressure to have sex with him). At the same time, I lost my friendship with my best friend of 9 years.
Friday morning my friend called me to tell me that my "ex fiance" had gotten married and had a baby girl. I can't explain what I felt... it wasn't sadness, but this deep feeling of ___? He was my first for everything- first kiss, first boyfriend, first love... I always hoped that he would change, but of course he didn't. My parents and my friends hated him, he was emotionally abusive, and I had no where to go. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Getting to the point... Sunday I went to church, hoping that I would feel a sense of calm. I didn't- in fact I felt furious. I wanted to yell at God and tell Him that He's a liar. I tried so hard to "search out" God, and trust Him, but it all meant nothing. I am so angry at God, even though I have no right to be. Perhaps you understand this... I know God was trying to speak to me, but I'm not one to have an emotional break down in public (and plus I was really p***ed). I told God in such a wonderful way to go f-off.... nice way to speak to the creator of the universe, right? In a way, I'm avoiding Him... I don't want to hear any words of comfort, because the pain always comes back...
I'm a mess internally.
About two years ago, I started seriously searching out God. I had gone through a series of relationships, one in which we were engaged. I started going to Bible study, participated in church functions, and was baptized. For the most part, I felt like that feeling of rejection and pain was gone. I broke away from my PoA, finished my last semester of college studying abroad, and found a job with a Christian Company.
I started dating again and fell in love. Naturally, I got my heart broken yet again. I don't want to go into it, he treated me horribly.
About six months later, I met another man, one who professed to have a strong Christian faith. We dated for 2 months, until he decided that I was to blame for his "sexual immorality" (I ended up giving into the pressure to have sex with him). At the same time, I lost my friendship with my best friend of 9 years.
Friday morning my friend called me to tell me that my "ex fiance" had gotten married and had a baby girl. I can't explain what I felt... it wasn't sadness, but this deep feeling of ___? He was my first for everything- first kiss, first boyfriend, first love... I always hoped that he would change, but of course he didn't. My parents and my friends hated him, he was emotionally abusive, and I had no where to go. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Getting to the point... Sunday I went to church, hoping that I would feel a sense of calm. I didn't- in fact I felt furious. I wanted to yell at God and tell Him that He's a liar. I tried so hard to "search out" God, and trust Him, but it all meant nothing. I am so angry at God, even though I have no right to be. Perhaps you understand this... I know God was trying to speak to me, but I'm not one to have an emotional break down in public (and plus I was really p***ed). I told God in such a wonderful way to go f-off.... nice way to speak to the creator of the universe, right? In a way, I'm avoiding Him... I don't want to hear any words of comfort, because the pain always comes back...
I'm a mess internally.
