Post by roz2008 on May 19, 2009 21:33:30 GMT -8
Definition: "Torch Bearers are ALAs (ambivalent love addicts) who obsess about someone who is unavailable. This can be done without acting out (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some torch bearers are more addicted than others. This kind of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions. It is also known as unrequited love."
I can't think of a better way to describe myself. I'm Roz, and I'm a torchbearer. I've seen this term here before, but today it really hit.
I have a pattern of attaching to an unavailable (usually married) man. He is always someone I come into contact with almost daily. Unfortunately, I had an affair with a married man a long time. It lasted for two years. That was a long time ago, but it is a part of the wreckage of my past.
My fantasies/attachments happen with someone I work with. I see a person every day, he smiles friendly at me, or offers to help, is kind, and I fall in fantasy land. I can think of one or more person per job I've had. I don't know why I do this. I want to find out.
Here's the hard part: Today, it's my karate instructor. Actually, the fantasies started rather innocently: I had a dream about him. I had no conscious feeling for him but one night, I dreamed that he was in back of me, coming very class, and putting his head over my shoulder. The next day I shared it with my sponsor.
My karate instructor is a married man. Thanks to what recovery I have here, I have not acted inappropriately with him. I have not acted on my fantasies. But believe me folks, I fantasize about him too much. When he touches me in class, it affects me..(he respectfully touches to show a move..as he does with others). When he looks at me, compliments me on a form, or kick, askes me a question...it affects me.
So, when I'm alone, done with my job, in my bed....the fantasies start.
I am rather angry about this. Today, his wife walked into the studio and there was reality hitting me. Luckily, it's all been in my head. He's younger than me, and married. Why must I put myself in this "suffering in silence" way? He's unavailable. and who knows if he wasn't, would I like him?
I fantasize about the idea of him. Big, stong, lean, masucline, handsome, powerful. It's an illusion. He may sit on his butt all day, popping cans of beer or soda, watch TV and bark out orders to his wife.
I wish to be free of torchbearing.
Today I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Perhaps that's why I fantasize so much.
I wish to be free of it.
I can't think of a better way to describe myself. I'm Roz, and I'm a torchbearer. I've seen this term here before, but today it really hit.
I have a pattern of attaching to an unavailable (usually married) man. He is always someone I come into contact with almost daily. Unfortunately, I had an affair with a married man a long time. It lasted for two years. That was a long time ago, but it is a part of the wreckage of my past.
My fantasies/attachments happen with someone I work with. I see a person every day, he smiles friendly at me, or offers to help, is kind, and I fall in fantasy land. I can think of one or more person per job I've had. I don't know why I do this. I want to find out.
Here's the hard part: Today, it's my karate instructor. Actually, the fantasies started rather innocently: I had a dream about him. I had no conscious feeling for him but one night, I dreamed that he was in back of me, coming very class, and putting his head over my shoulder. The next day I shared it with my sponsor.
My karate instructor is a married man. Thanks to what recovery I have here, I have not acted inappropriately with him. I have not acted on my fantasies. But believe me folks, I fantasize about him too much. When he touches me in class, it affects me..(he respectfully touches to show a move..as he does with others). When he looks at me, compliments me on a form, or kick, askes me a question...it affects me.
So, when I'm alone, done with my job, in my bed....the fantasies start.
I am rather angry about this. Today, his wife walked into the studio and there was reality hitting me. Luckily, it's all been in my head. He's younger than me, and married. Why must I put myself in this "suffering in silence" way? He's unavailable. and who knows if he wasn't, would I like him?
I fantasize about the idea of him. Big, stong, lean, masucline, handsome, powerful. It's an illusion. He may sit on his butt all day, popping cans of beer or soda, watch TV and bark out orders to his wife.
I wish to be free of torchbearing.
Today I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Perhaps that's why I fantasize so much.
I wish to be free of it.
