I realised I'm a torchbearer

I am very aware of my POA's negative characteristics, yet I still think about him on a daily basis. The thoughts range from positive to negative to neutral. I feel like I'm neutrally obsessed with him if that makes any sense. I guess I could try focusing more on the negative and see if he goes away from my mind.

However, I'm starting to think I just have a tendency to get obsessed with things that are novel, interesting, and/or I can't figure out...almost from an academic perspective. My mind just wants to make sense of it and it won't let it go. I feel like I have to wait for the next obsession to come before he will go away...

I wish I had some advice for you, Light, but I'm in the same boat as you...not sure what to do.

Light,

E-mailing your POA was a mistake, but is probably much bigger in your mind than anyone else's. It is something that is not worth worrying too much about. Don't let the guilt, or anything else associated with it, take on a life of its own. Just move on. We have all done the same thing. It is OK. We all slip. Dwelling on the slip, and blowing it up too much is the bigger mistake. Sometimes it takes a while to completely move on. It seems like our POA's are just under our skin, lurking sometimes. We have to be aware.


Rilly

I'm a torchbearer and what I do is to kind of rationalize and plot things. Like I'll say "in 5 years time, I don't see any reason why we can't be friends..."

I'm no contact with my original POA....but I did send a flurry of emails from say August to October of last year. They were very casual, how are you doing kind of notes and he returned them all. But then when I realized what I was doing, and I realized that he's not even an interesting person to talk to, I stopped cold turkey and have not sent another one. I was tempted to tell him how interesting he was NOT, but held back. I've sent enough mean notes to him to last a life time. I need not send anymore.

I do not want to be friends with this man, despite my actions. Deep, deep down inside I do not even LIKE him. I can think of only negative things about him. But I still think of him all of the time. Every day. So I've come to tell myself that I can't help it, it's just neurons firing away in my brain and thinking of him really has nothing to do with me.

My job is to not allow my thoughts to trigger action.

Nickyg, do you still have contact with her? Im guessing you might do as you know about her progress in recovery. If that's so, then I'd step away from her if you're going to the same meetings etc. You're recovery is more important for you than her recovery. It could stunt your progress to be watching her get well.

I know what you mean about our POAs being precious beings, your POA probably is a beautiful person, but if you were in a triangle and want to stay with your wife, you need to bare the feelings of love you have, bare all of it, and you will be able to as you carry on with your recovery. Just flagging that up for you, because in early recovery it's so easy to focus on the other, even if it's just apparently in a spiritually loving way. You may not be doing that, but I'm going to add this in just in case you are I'm sure you will have a truer sense of who your POA is as you heal, as you love yourself more, the projections about other people fall away and you see them more clearly. But if you want to stay in your marriage and you want to get well, you'll need to learn to bare those feelings, and that will happen. It's very hard to feel that and learn to be present with a spouse, but I've done it and others here have too, lots of people find themselves in that position. In time, feeling spiritual love for your POA and knowing that they are perfectly imperfect people and on their own journey will be enough. In that sense I love my POA and wish him the best, knowing full well that for me to have him in my life would be an absolute disaster. P.

Actually Ok2bme, I have decided just the opposite. To say goodbye to my marriage because it is a lost cause. And I feel I would end up looking for someone else who I could love and be loved by. That person is embodied in my POA. I would see myself just repeating this long endless futile search for the perfect mate. I don't need to look that far. I still love my POA dearly. And I believe the feelings are mutual. I think a separation is in order at this point and some clarity gained from this experience. I brace for the trauma in this change and see it as tragic but necessary for growth and happiness for the three of us. My wife has been through enough and doesn't need a husband who likes her but feels no passion towards her. She deserves a happy life and I see myself as an obstacle to that. And I want to be happy too. I still love my POA and want to be with her. I think we will be a happy couple despite all our faults and issues. I do not see this as a fantasy with a happy ending. This is real life for me and I am working towards it. I can just imagine the responses that will follow this post. Most everyone will try to talk me out of this line of thinking. And point out how hopeless or dysfunctional my desires to be happy are. I see this in a step towards being real and not living in a fantasy world. It has given me a reason to get up in the morning and a reason to stay in recovery and heal. It has given me the desire to reconnect with myself and my God. I want to love and be loved. Can anyone offer me the best way to go about this? nickyg

Oh...PS...I am not with my H & nor with anyone else, just me & recovery. I am in favor of alone time between the ending of a marriage & the next relationship, even if you have someone in mind. Recovery is an important space to be alone in for a while if you are certain you do not want to continue with your spouse. Addiction gets worse if untreated.

Nickyg...lost internet yesterday while on board, back on today...

Do you feel you are growing at a faster rate by being alone?
YES, I did not seperate just to recovery, we seperated because we felt it was over. BUT I feel I'm growing as fast as my withdrawal from addiction would allow, the pain of withdrawal is what takes the bigger toll on me. I am free to hurt without explaination. I feel like I have more freedom for recovery too. I have my own room, I can wake up any hour & read a book, answer questions, write in my journal or kneel & pray, listen to my sounds of the ocean or forest & go to sleep.. I can receive & make 12 step calls anytime. When I was with my H, there was none of that. The alone time would normally send me into a desire for someone good for me & I am more eager to walk through this self discovery first.

Was it your choice?
My H has always been mentally & emotionally seperate from me. I had been in denial about that although it pained me for years. When he checked out with his drinking about 2 years ago, I checked out of him for the first time ever. I moved out of his room & into my own, in the same house. After he sobered up, almost 6 months ago, I did not find desire to check back in with him. I had over a year to reflect on our relationship. I had time to get aquainted with my addiction & saw him in there too. After avoiding each other & the issue for months our HP finally paired us up on the dance floor unexpectedly & by the smallest chance in heck that we'd both be there at the same time. (he was with his date). That made it impossible to ignore. (Ironic our relationship began on the dance floor). The next day we talked & agreed, it's over. We mutually do not have anything new to offer each other. We mutually need different than the other can offer. We mutually do not wish to continue or work on our marriage, we are officially seperated in all aspects. We did agree we love our children, we love our dogs, we do not wish to be destructive with the finances just because it's over & that we both want each other to find our own way to happiness. We also agreed to a no sex in the house with others, that was his rule & I'm fine with it...ewww.

We respectfully share the house as roomies for now. I am seeking independence & recovery. He is as well. We just decided there was no reason to make one move when we have proven to live seperate in the same house fine. If one decides to be in a serious relationship we agree to change living arrangements if not already changed by then. He chooses to date, I choose not to (growth for me!). We do not have the same issues so he does not get hooked on people...I do, today I know that & I don't want the interference from something that can improve the quality of my future life.

Do you still speak with your H?
In passing. About what he made or what I made to eat to share. Um, about if one can feed the dogs if the other will be away. Rare, like roomies. If my door is shut he NEVER enters, if his is shut I knock because the bathroom with my stuff is in his room, I only touch my stuff & when I must go in there.

Nickyg,
Yes, run is a common assumption to our seperation. & It was our initial reaction but we talked & realised we HAD been living seperate just fine for over a year so it would be more destructive & disruptive to the financial storm we are riding through & the dog situation. We have both worked well as a team, rarely seeing each other & were both in a new process of self discovery & all the running would just put our efforts there when we have more pressing things right now. If our emotions were high for each other OR one for the other, it would NOT work, but that is not the case.

I see me working toward independence, my own career more secured, my own place, a bit frightening because I've never had such a but my own life. We both hope he keeps the house for him & his boat & our very much loved special dogs. He will allow me to visit them should I move. It just crushes me to no end right now to think of not living with them but it's unlikely I could house them on my own means.

About recommendations...it's working so none seeked on that matter. As far as the divorce day & decision, we would not seek that from outside either, him or I will be the only ones to decide. We both agreed we did not want to put our efforts into a divorce/move at the moment but if the other felt they needed to, we would both be accepting of the project.

I can't see much further than coping with my recovery & seeking independence. It's not a life plan but it's an agreed now plan.

Ok So here I am thinking I am obsessive LA and then I realize and am told I could be a torch bearer as well. Can you be more than one or several? Sometimes I need to step away because although all of this is so helpful, it is also overwhelming and confusing. I have always had fantasies obsessions about tv stars, singers, etc. but I thought most people do have that. I have a friend who loves Patrick Dempsey another a baseball player. So, where do we draw the line? I have always been an obsessive type to "real" men. I could also easily be a romantic addict as I am married and feel the pull to have other partners. Gosh, I don't know what I am anymore.