Post by Breathless on Nov 16, 2009 1:16:11 GMT -8
Covert Incest
Breathless
I have to tell my story just to get it out there. I have no one to talk to about this and I am too far away from any therapists or counselors. I am feeling overwhelmed and I need to get a grip so I can remain independent.
I moved out of my parents house for the first time in a long long time. I had social phobia, depression, and sleep problems. In the last 4 years I have worked hard on my social phobia. I went into therapy, got a job, listened to cognitive therapy tapes and I felt like I made good progress. I always had my mom to talk to when things got tough. But during this time I realized what a negative impact my dad has had on my life. I felt like he came onto me at one time. It was then I realized that I will never get healthy until I move out of there.
I was listening to all these meditation cds, reading all these self-help books and I was feeling really good. But I have always had a phobia about being around strangers when something sexual is talked about or if it is on the tv and so on. I had a panic attack at the doctor office sitting next to this young guy and something sexual came on tv. It just really depressed me. I started doing affirmations telling myself my sexuality is healthy and blah blah blah. Affirmations were working for me in other areas. I was trying to heal whatever weird sexual thing was going on inside of me.
So one day I get up. I wasn't working anymore. My dad doesn't work either. He is standing by the door which is basically a giant window, and I was looking past him to see if one of my cats was outside. I didn't want to look at him direct to engage him in any conversation so the area I looked at was by his crotch area. I was in a good mood too so I was kind of smiling. Creepy. I know. It sounds horrible.
So after I looked away, I realized he thinks I was looking at his crotch. I didn't mean too. It was an accident, but the timing was weird. Maybe the unconscious came up. He has always made inappropriate comments to me about my body. He has called me a **** when I didn't even have a boyfriend. I have been abstinent for years. I caught him once masturbating in my bathroom when I was a teenager. He had the door wide open. My mind blocked out the image, but I know what he was doing. It was a fraction of a second. I just feel like my dad was never in control of his emotions he was always angry and raging about something. Everything was always about him. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells.
I avoided him and stayed in my room. That is partly why I have sleep problems because I did not want to see him during the day. I would get up when my mom came home. I tried to surround myself with gentle beautiful things I think in a way to make myself feel pure. Or clean. Innocent. I feel like sometimes it is my fault. And then there is my mom who is the shadow parent. She just sits there passively while he rages on and on.
I sometimes hate her for being so weak. She should have left him years ago. I am good friends with my mom now but when I think of my childhood it is her who is the one who is cold and rejecting. She never hugged me or showed me any affection. I didn't feel like she liked me when I was a little kid. Growing up she would make fun of people who showed affection on tv or were sentimental. It is no wonder I am screwed up when it comes to relationships that I never have. I want love but I don't know how to tolerate it and accept it from people I have strong feelings for.
So after the incident with my dad I feel like he made a comeon noise to me when we were in the car driving somewhere. It scared me. It scared the stuff out of me. But I have put everything in a box far away. I have always been afraid of my dad. My whole life. I was always afraid he was going to cross a boundary. I know now that my fear was justifiable. There is a long thread of covert incest that runs through my family. My dad has always made inappropriate comments to me. He always talks about his thingy and readjusts it when he is driving. I have done everything I could to keep him at a distance. I am as much of a biatch as I can be to keep him away from me. I realized that I will never ever get healthy if he is in my life. Especially living in the same house as him. My parents live in denial and blame me for my problems. They have their good qualities and on the outside look like they are great people.
I have put a lid on my sexuality because I am afraid of it. I wonder if he sexually abused me when I was younger. I don't remember anything. But recently when he was confronted about his anger by another family member he exploded and said it was because he was raped when he was 10. But he has been an angry negative presence in my life. I have huge problems with men. I have been alone for so many years. Whenever someone shows interest in me who has a strong personality I run away.
My POA made me feel like I was worth something when I felt like dirt and had given up on life. I find it hard to give him up. He is a big reason why I sought out help. Because for a brief moment with him I felt like the person who I was always supposed to be.
I am sorry if this is disturbing. I put it all in a little box and hide it away. Pretend like my family is so wonderful. I have been trying to write something and post it for a while and I always delete it. I want to heal myself and turn my life into something positive. I just feel really isolated right now because I have no one I can trust to talk to about this.