Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 11, 2008 20:51:03 GMT -8
Wanting to die is just wanting to escape. I also get suicidal when things seem unbearable. But I can't go there because of the damage it would do to those who love me. Misery has a life span. It will pass. Please take care of yourself. Share with us. Pray and meditate. Crawl under the covers and pretend you are a baby being held by God. Count out the seconds until there is relief. Do not act on your thoughts. Embrace the misery as best you can. Think about those who love you. Cry, cry, cry. No contact is best, but if it comes down to call or die, go ahead and call. My prayers are with you.
Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 12, 2008 16:34:20 GMT -8
For me, depression and powerless lead to thoughts of escaping through suicide. The depression always passes eventually and the feelings of powerlessness take me to God. I surrender my life to him and believe things will get better. Without God and the 3rd step I would have thrown in the towel years ago.
I've had suicidal thoughts in my teen years but it was not over love. I just felt empty. Maybe it was related but not directly so. Now a days I think I got more addicted but I don't think suicide anymore. I love my boyfriend too much to do that, as you said.
I find that when I start feeling really terrible, to the unbareable point, I force myself to do something I know will bring me joy (to where I don't have to depend on a person for it) like watching my favorite comedy show etc. Hardly ever fails.
I'm not sure what I should write. First, let me be clear that I'm not going to commit suicide or do anything "crazy". I'm just thinking about it. I'm thinking about it a lot.
I've tried it 3 times (although my friends and family only know of 1 time since I was able to hide the other two attempts as accidents), but that was many, many years ago.
I've had an unbelievable number of changes in my life over the last few months and I know that can upset some people, but I don't know why it is affecting me. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know what to do.
I've been Suspended from dead end job without pay for Insubordination: Failure to ask every Customer for a Donation for Breast Cancer. Without getting into details, I work for a large Corporation which uses Charity as both positive public relations and a Tax Writeoff. Middle management pressured from above to get donations, harass employees by demanding Quotas and now to my surprise extreme disciplinary measures for anything less than perfection.
My job, as it is, has me in a negative cashflow. I've hoped since my ex-wife left me 12 years ago that I would find a girlfriend to live with me and share expenses. I have not had one girlfriend in 12 1/2 years and will probably never have one due to my character defects and childhood abandonment issues. So I will end up a Loser, like my brother, poor with Loser roommates....
It's just a matter of WHEN and HOW I Commit Suicide...maybe this week...next month...in a year...but the prospect of living my final years in poverty with other Loser men sounds 100% worse than any concept of Death or Hell.
the emotional pain that I'm feeling is so intense...I had a good cry at my meeting tonight and really felt loved tonight...my Suicidal thoughts are my "plan B"-my Sponsor says I have to work on letting go of this to be able to have a relationship with a higher power...and I am going to start working on my powerlessness and unmanageability around my belief that only finding a girlfriend will make me happy...these are both so hard...tomorrow I'm going to seek a medical leave for emotional stress/depression...I'm currently very vulnerable at my job and will get fired in the emotional state I'm in right now...I will go to morning meetings this week and try Zen Meditation tomorrow night...I don't want to die...I'm sad and scared, but heard great recovery at my meeting tonight...God, please help to not fantasize about the woman who shared her recovery with me tonight
Yay, Richard! I've been praying for you. Let us know how you are doing.
You will get through this. I went through a major depression about 3 years ago and I hardly even remember it now...I really think when you get through major issues like that it makes your brain stronger.
I did the Meditation last night and while it was peaceful and relaxing I find it does not have lasting effects. At the end of the meeting I was in self centered fear: everyone here knows each other and noone will talk to me...it's hard for me to reach out when I'm feeling vulnerable-I'm afraid women (who I have always felt more comfortable talking to) will think I'm hitting on them (sometimes they're right) and I'm even more afraid of men because so many Gay men try and hit on me (unwelcomed.) Right now I'm mad over something little but expensive-a package delivered and stolen and how every number I called: USPS, 411, Operator had nothing but computerized voices and voice recognition software that is terrible at recognition. I'm so emotionally volatile I explode into uncontrollable rage and tears in a second...it's beautiful in San Francisco-in the 70s for the 4th day in a row-I'm going to go for a second walk and If I still feel like this I might check myself into an Emergency Room because I'mhaving suicidal thoughts and maybe having a nervous breakdown-whatever that is?
Listen to yourself. If you feel that strongly, then yes, check yourself in. My son went through depression & anxiety; we checked him in and they kept him eight days. Best thing we ever did for him; when we can no longer handle our feelings/depression, I feel it's time to seek professional help.
besatt...I got that book...The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle...it's an encouraging concept...my skeptical thinking voice is already going 'yeah but', 'yeah but...if I feel one with the world will still be alone in my bed for another 12 years?'
I will try to focus on 'here' 'now' and will continue reading and won't give up on meditation and I'm going to do a 10th step now around what happened at work...I know I'll owe an Ammends
Havefaith...I will go to a morning meeting and maybe out to breakfeast with a guy with good recovery in the group and then I was thinking of a hike in Muir Woods in Marin County...if after all that I still feel too emotional I'll go to Kaiser (I don't want to catch the Flu from someone in the ER-that's why I've been reluctant)
re: my "stolen" package...it was in my backyard! CDs are not damaged.
This is just a thought here but apparently we need to have really firm same sex friendships with excellent trust and understanding BEFORE we move on the opposite sex and start dating/flirting with them.
Is it at all possible that you missed a step in your development? I discovered that the reason I feel unsafe around men is because I didnt' have strong same sex friendships. Since I have worked on those I feel much more secure in who I am without having to worry about whether they are/are not attracted to me. It is like I get validation both from myself and my same sex friends.
It might be possible that if we dont' do this first we end up with a 'wrinkle' in our development in relationships and we operate from a position of insecurity.
I know it might sound strange but I am concentrating on building my same sex friendships and learning how to relate and understand myself in relation to others in a safer environment.
Might be worth considering.
"Love doesn't have to hurt - If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you!"
richard, I don't think you are going to be alone for another 12 years. You have to be a healthy, whole person before that kind of companionship can be a part of your life. Once you get there, finding a mate should come naturally. Of course there are no guarantees, but that's the adventure of life. Don't give up on it yet.