I have posted a message under "I need help" and have received no responses. I am trying to do everything I should to hang in there but I am losing it. I take meds, I see a counselor, I try and do everything.......it is not working. I have two small children and a husband who is a good guy. However, none of this matters at the moment b/c dying would hurt less than the pain of losing my poa. Someone please help me.
thank you for trusting us to tell us how you feel. the kind of pain you are talking about doesn't happen overnight. You must have pain that has been there for a long long time.
I tell people that suicide is an option when we are out of tools. when we can't find a way to stop the pain.
good news. you can learn new tools.
I'm glad you have a counselor and a family. glad that you have meds to take - you might want to ask your doctor to adjust them.
What you are feeling is not uncommon in people who suffer from Love Addiction. the Pain is so intense because it goes right to the heart of you life's core. If you read old post you will see that many of us felt like that when we first got here. it has been said "we find ourselves at the jumping off point."
that is actually a very powerful place to be. now there is a clearing for you to begin your recovery.
there is a solution AND you don't have to go through this alone anymore. we will be here for you.
you sent me a message asking me to work with you so I know that there is a part of you that wants to survive this and move beyond it. that part however small can be enough
'faith as small as a mustard seed' love bluebird
ps. begin to watch your thinking. allow for the possibility that it isn't right right now. when you write your story tell me about your children.
Last Edit: Aug 28, 2008 7:33:40 GMT -8 by bluebird
I'm praying for you 2muchpain...And many who read your post will too. Be very patient with yourself. Imagine that you are a child. WOuld you want to see that child die when she has so much life to experience? When you can hold her and make sure she is safe. YOU are that child. Bluebird is right to ask you to "watch your thinking." that it may not be right right now. Hang in there. Soothe yourself right now with anything you can...hugging yourself, rocking back and forth, breathing.... If it gets worse, we are here as are people on a suicide hotline like this one www.hopeline.com/ You have options 2much. Please read lots on this site to learn them.
2muchpain - hang in there. I have been there too. It feels like it would be easier to die. I did not want to live with the pain, and I did not want to live with the fear of the pain never ending! Because it feels like it never will. But it will.
I worked with my POA for years. It was BRUTAL. After years of flirting, he called one night and came over and spent the night. He didn't mention it, the night together, for four days as we worked SIDE BY SIDE. When I finally asked him about it he told me "YOU HAVE GOT TO GET OVER THIS! We're two adults, we had sex, now it's back to business!": This from the guy I had ADORED for 3 years. Worked hard for. Filled in for. And on and on.
There were times I would have to leave the deck where I was teaching swimming, go upstairs into the womens' steam room, SOBBBBBBB by eyes out, come back downstairs and teach adorable little kids how to swim.
I would sob so hard I thought my guts would come out. I had never felt like that in my life. I knew right then that, as bluebird refered to, I was sobbing about a lot more than him. I was sobbing for pain that was so deep down I had no idea it was there.
So sob. Sob, read, pray, keep posting. Keep showing up one minute at a time. Show up for your job. Show up for your kids. Do the next right thing.
You wrote something in your original post to the effect "I want to love him enough to let him go" Yes, I have been there too. In the worst torment of my life - wanting to love HIM enough to let him go.
Thank you everyone for writing to me here. As bluebird suggests, I will now write my story in the introductions section. I REALLY need everyone's help to get through this and I can honestly say that the only reason I am not calling him or ending my life is because this posting is taking up my time at this moment. Please hang in there with me and look for my post in the introductions section!!!
Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 28, 2008 11:03:07 GMT -8
Announcing your desire to die is very important. Now people can talk you out of it. My partner committed suicide six months ago and it was devastating. She made it seem so easy I thought about doing it myself. But I reached out and people helped me through it. Now I don't know what I was thinking. Keep posting. We are all praying for you. These feelings will pass. All feelings have a life span. Do not keep your feelings a secret and do not let them lead to your demise. Just hang in there no matter what.
As the conflict in my mind has grown during the past few months I have had thoughts dying as well. ( I knew inside myself that what I was doing was wrong. I had to choose who I would let go. I had to face up to the fact I had an addiction, and let go of my POA). If I died there are too many people I would let down.... including myself. It still seems I drift in that direction when I feel the pain and hopelessness overcoming me. However, it is true that there are tools, there are solutions. We must at least try. I know I can do it. I have great faith that this site and all you great people will help me find the way out of this.
I am still around thanks to Bluebird, Susan, Telmita, Rilly, Judy and Chrissy. I say I am still here.......that is I am here in body form. I feel my mind and spirit are gone but I am told they will return the longer I stay with NC. I am going to post under breaking up is hard to do about my weekend. Please keep me in your prayers!!!! I need the strength so much.
Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 2, 2008 17:08:26 GMT -8
As we are on this journey of recovery, we will learn things that will help us help others in the future. That is one thing that keeps me going -- knowing that if I was to exit this earth because of my pain, I would have failed to learn God's lesson for me and would not be able to help others learn the lessons that I am learning. Please don't give up, OK? I know how you feel, cause I feel the same way sometimes, but we have to realize that feelings are just that -- feelings -- and we don't have to act on them.
Things are bad with me lately. It is not due to having contact or anything like that. I just feel that I will never be happy with just "me." I feel like I will never be able to fill up my own "hole" and that I will never be happy with what "is." I keep reading about suicide online. I should be working but I am not. I am miserable. I am too sad/hopeless to even pray.
This question is NOT to diminish or make light of your fears, so take from it what you will: Are you okay with never being happy with what is? Can you imagine just allowing a lot of space, or even just the tiniest sliver of space around your rejecting what is? By that, I mean: can you allow yourself to really totally reject what is??
It seems like you are running from yourself, fighting against yourself. Impulsively moving from one thing to another looking for momentary comfort. Refusing to just let go, and giving in to the answer. You might know what the answer is but something is keeping you from surrendering. You are a VERY intelligent, accomplished woman. You have worked hard to get where you are.
It is time to lose yourself, and turn your focus to others. Making others happy is the key.
You are not going to fix yourself. You are powerless. You are not greater or smarter than your Higher Power.
Keep posting. You help a lot of people through your comments and suggestions. I have already told you that you have helped me as much as anyone else on this board. Especially in the beginning. During the first week on this board you kept me afloat. I'll never forget that.
Along with what rilly says about continuing to share the light of your presence with others, what I am speaking to is NOT about doing ANYTHING. It is about fully relaxing (yeah, okay, surrendering) into what IS, even if what IS is about REJECTING what is.
oh darling i can read your pain...pain is Gods way of saying, look at me I am your only hope.
I guess we think there is power in choosing our own death, but theres a catch- only if were happy with what we have lived and have reached our full awareness- such as an old shaman knowing in full power where they are heading too, or christ on the cross or buddha, its a surrender not a decision as such , otherwise its a cold and useless ending in misery. let me tell you as if its the voice of God...IT IS NOT YOUR TIME. just like the lily blooms out of the mud, and the pheonix rises out of the ashes, just as christ was ressurected from persecution so to is your capacity for enlightenment and blissful love increased by the amount of pain you come from. Ask for a miracle....ask ask ask. Dont stop searching for your treasure....never never...its always the darkest before dawn. Take courage that you are still here and you are living...Rumi, my favourite sufi poet says...
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
some momentary awareness comes As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Last Edit: Oct 13, 2008 12:35:56 GMT -8 by newdawn
Post by needinanekg on Oct 3, 2008 17:15:18 GMT -8
I'm sending good signals your way. Can you feel them? Things will get better 2muchpain. They will get better. I feel that You are a good person and believe you will get through this. Please take a moment out to do something that makes you happy -- for yourself. We love you here! peace -- Needin
hi everyone - Ok, 2much, at the risk of sounding simplistic I'm going to write what I hate to hear, but what I know from experience is true: THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
And when you have lived through this, and it HAS passed, you will understand beth's paradoxal post.
I have been in back to back recovery in another 12 step program - the best thing that ever happened to me in my life - for 26 years. In those 26 years I have been to many 12 step groups and meetings and retreats. I have done a lot of spiritual reading, and met a lot of people in recovery in one form or another. People with lots of years in the spiritual quest. People that are immensely grateful for their lives. But none of them, myself included, is happy all the time.
Recovery doesn't promise happiness. It promises freedom. From that freedom, in my own experience, comes wisdom, appreciation, maturity, clarity, joy, gratitude and many other attributes and feelings that others could share.
But happiness? Again, I can only speak for myself. Happiness is a day at a time thing. Sometimes I'm happy. 5 minutes later I'm not. What I'm more concerned with is gratitude. I want to cultivate and keep that gratitude whether I'm feeling happy or not. Because gratitude is what keeps me going. Not happiness.
I hope I'm not confusing you more.
I guess this is all to say - as I think rilly and beth were more or less suggesting - for today ACCEPT the awful feelings. You are in WITHDRAWAL. Do not understimate it! In AA they say to newcomers "90 meetings in 90 days" because it takes that long to come out of the fog.
Anyone who has been recovering for a number of 24 hours will tell you - this is a long process. You are not going to feel great overnight. You have spent a lifetime with this addiction.
If you can relax and just be with the awful feelings instead of fighting them you might then be in a position to ask yourself just how long you want to remain in that state, and what you can do to get out of it.
We are going to have difficult times for the rest of our lives. That's nature. What the 12 step programs (or whatever spiritual/theraputic program you follow) helps with is NAVIGATING those difficult times in a healthy way - so that we don't pick up the drug again.
I can identify with being in so much pain, that I'd rather not be. Then, I told someone that. That person could not believe what I told her. She said, "Roz, you have one of the most admirable lives I've ever seen!" She went on to tell me how beautiful I am, that I'm a precious chid of God, an example of the program (another one), how many people admire me...., and how hard I've worked to have my "position" in life. After that, I realized that people see me in a totally different way than I see myself sometimes! Feelings suck sometimes. They are like gas.......and eventually pass. I'm not trying to trivalize the deep pain, just reminding myself and others that it does pass. When it does, the gift of being able to share it with someone else lives. If we ended it, who would be here to help another suffering addict?
the battle is the classic internal one. the dark (addictions) struggling to survive the light (recovery). The closer you come - begin working steps, soon to go to a healing weekend - the more the addiction surges to live and be active - knowing it's days are possibly numbered.
it's the old dark dog, light dog- fighting. the one you feed is the one who will be strong enough to win.
I'm sorry you have to go through so much pain. Many of us do. There seems to be no other way through - the passage from dark to light.
it is ok to talk to God about a lack of faith, anger at what is going on, and however you really think and feel about any of it. Let of out - perhaps it will help.
Last Edit: Oct 5, 2008 19:50:37 GMT -8 by bluebird