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Post by sobrietythirst on Aug 30, 2008 21:26:41 GMT -8
I feel so empty. I fill my heart is burdened with such heaviness and heartbreak and everytime I need to sob my heart out..I can't. It's usally in an inappropiate setting. My life is chaos. I have started school again and not made enough room for me time..I see the ego-driven actions that have led me to such unhappiness. I think I may need medication. I used to just pass them off as moment but they're beginning to become more frequent and grave. I don't really have a motivation to live. I'm so unachieved...no where where I should or wanted to be. I need that "enlightened" witness to share it all too but I don't feel like I have anyone I can trust or won't fall in love with. I had a really bad trigger because I am living (relocating next year) with parents and I have just uncovered that my stepdad sexually abused me..we were dancing and I suddenly just twitched. It is so difficult because he is ill and financially things are difficult and I just feel as though I can't stay afloat. Healthy people don't process things the way that I do. A healthy person could have bad day but..I have a bad day and think that my life isn't worth living. A guy wasn't interested in me ( I wasn't exactly subtle in my approach) but it literally made me feel unlovable. I feel disgusting. My friend said she didn't understand why I was insecure because I'm beautiful. I am not beautiful. I am fat and ugly. I am so screwed up that any chance of love is impossible and wouldn't it be great to be loved by someone? I guess I'm in withdrawal. I deleted a POA...or rather someone I fantasized about from my internet profile. I don't trust anything I do..or doubt which leaves me in a constant state of fear or motivations of ego and compensation. I'm pathetic..I want to get help...but it seems like everything keeps getting in the way. I'm upset because then my family will want to know---which will make me wanna wait...which means more months miserable. Everything requires money ( little of that)....my scheduele and bad sleeping habits aren't allowing for as many meetings I would like to attend and even as I thought my steps were in progress....I couldn't find an AA 12 and 12 and that's what upsets me the most. Is little things lead to an ugly spiral of death? Healthy ppl don't do that if something is dropped or forgotten. Because everything is inside my head...fantasies happen...or I can't be around ppl....what's the point then? If I can't even COEXIST with other humans. I just feel like I can't live anymore. I want to ideally..but in reality it seems like death would be a sensible option.
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Post by bluebird on Aug 30, 2008 23:28:45 GMT -8
OK.
This is where your mind has taken you.
Very scary.
I would feel better if I knew someone was near you.
that you weren't alone with those thoughts. I don't even know where you are or how we would check on you if you had a bleak moment.
I care and I am concerned for your well being.
please post today. tell us how you are today.
so much of the things you describe happenned long ago or not yet.
there is solution. I 've asked people who are futher along in recovery to share under this thread - some light for your darkness.
I hope you read and maybe find some hope.
love,
bluebird
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Post by judy on Aug 31, 2008 10:47:38 GMT -8
hi sobrietythirst - Can you get to a meeting? AA, alanon, Coda? Go. Ask for help. Get out of your head.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 1, 2008 12:49:35 GMT -8
Hi Sobrietythirst...
First and foremost, no matter what you are thinking or feeling right now about life, death, love, hate...it's ALL GOOD. Your feelings are not wrong!!! Feelings are neither right nor wrong and we ALL feel weird stuff, or stuff that doesn't "seem" normal. There's no need to equate what you feel with healthy people, sobrietythirst. Healthy people are NOT born healthy. They develop that way with LOTS OF HARD WORK and struggle. If you die, you will not know what opportunity awaits you in matters of being HEALTHY.
That being said, make a CHOICE today. A very simple one: death is NOT an OPTION. NO matter what happens or how you feel, promise yourself that death is not an option. Make something else an option, what about screaming into a pillow? What about calling a suicide hotline? If you cannot afford therapy or find a meeting, stay on line. Post here. Post in other forums on depression and getting help.
You are not alone sobrietythirst. We are ALL connected. We all breathe the same air. We all feel pain, just a little differently. Like Bluebird said, your mind is taking you to a very dark place. FORCE YOURSELF to go to a lighter place. There are cracks in EVERYTHING and that is where the light gets in!
If you want to talk more, repond to our posts. Tell us how you feel!!!!
Side note: have you read Eat, Pray, Love? Seek it out. Give yourself the ability to SEE options. Set the idea and "hope" of love aside for now. Put in on the back burner. Let's work on YOU first.
T
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 2, 2008 11:56:11 GMT -8
SobrietyThirst:
Are you still with us - reading, lurking?
Please post - I care. I don't think you're worthless. There are others here who care too. Let it out if you need to let it out -
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Post by bluebird on Sept 2, 2008 12:05:43 GMT -8
I have a horrible feeling here. I have come to the board several times a day looking for you and there is no post.
I heard the pain and the quiet and I hope your just caught up in school, but, I fear you are fragile.
please please contact us.
hugs
bluebird
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Post by judy on Sept 2, 2008 14:28:36 GMT -8
hi sobrietythirst - Look at this love! People care! I don't know how we could ever think we are alone.
Send us a post!
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Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 2, 2008 16:53:54 GMT -8
Hi. I'm going through a hard period, too, and I can relate to some of what you are saying. Please know that we are concerned and want to hear from you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel like you might harm yourself.
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Post by sobrietythirst on Sept 3, 2008 18:50:08 GMT -8
Hi, Sobrietythirst here
First, thank you all so much for replying to my post. It was such a comfort to not feel alone. When others say they understand you...it's taken with a grain of salt....but to hear your compassion made me smile. bluebird...I got "the light" others were posting. What a wonderful idea..it gave me such comfort to hear others stories. I think what has depressed me the most is that I wasn't looking to the future as tomorrow. I was looking to the future as a state of perfection..a deadline I thought I would achieve by a certain date. It has not been that. School has exhausted and yes, it is why I am posting noticeably less frequently. I am so sorry if I worried anyone. I honesty feel remorseful for posting...as if it was a false alarm....THANK YOU SO MUCH. CYBER HUGS
Honestly, I think it was one of the spiraling effects of my depression. I haven't been doing so well. I get home, tired, sleep...then try to finish work in the morning. I am a procrastinator even in my recovery. I feel unachieved and this is a time where the future is being pushed down my throat. About where I ought to be. I feel unmotivated and disinterested in my education right now and it frustrates me because for the sake of my future I need to care....
I am so sensitive over things. I guess a real issue is my foundation is lacking. Someone can come in and completely disturb my mood or a simple comment will circle in my head over and over again.
My last POA is a difficult subject. I checked his profile..I didn't comment or leave anything. I was so tempted to call him..and still am..he's in an area where the hurricanes are and it makes it increasingly difficult not to call. I’m trying to avoid my caretaker and rescuing habits.
I have to stay in constant prayer because a new male friend, who has not flirted but simply been friendly to me is starting to become an object of obsesssion. I need to do some inventory work..possibly over the weekend and some meditation to regain my balance. Thank you so much….
Sobrietythirst
p.s. Oh!! ( I did look up some facilities and hotlines)
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 4, 2008 2:44:16 GMT -8
Meditation sounds like a great idea sobriety, and I am so glad you wrote back. "Cries for help" are never "false alarms..." It's never a case of the boy who cried wolf when we deal with depression. Don't feel bad about you. You took a step to get reinforcement. That's a positive thing! IMO, that's a healthy step toward recovery. Just an FYI to maybe make you feel a little better: i was a HUGE procrastinator when I was younger. I could never get my act together. I never had a steady job, or one that paid much money. I'd quit school, then not want to work anymore so I'd go back. At one point, just when my mom thought she got rid of me, I had to move back home. I felt like a complete failure. But by then she'd run out of spare bedrooms because my grandfather had to move in, so I was left with a room in the basement! Talk about depressing. Anyway, long story short, it took me 16 YEARS to graduate college and I didn't move out of my mother's house until I was 27. And the only way I did that was by getting married, because at 27, I still couldn't take care of myself. It wasn't until I was 36 and divorced that I FINALLY got my act together. But it was out of grave necessity. I got my degree (and graduated magna cum laude), inherited the family business, and was FORCED to be a grown up. But man, I wasn't even ready then. Thing is, if you avoid growing up, it PAINS you. And that's what it really is-- a refusal to grow up. I fought with MANY people for MANY years, insisting, "I'm just not a career woman," I'm just not into education...I'll educate myself," "families SHOULD take care of their kids until their almost 30 because that's what love it..." Etc. Excuses i told while in denial-- all out of a massive fear of growing up and taking care of myself. Anyway...see if you can pull anything from that. And always know you are NEVER alone. Go at your own pace, but if your own pace isn't going anywhere ask yourself this vital question: if all my family members disappeared, including all my PoAs, would I be able to take care of myself? And if so, am I doing it NOW? If you can answer YES to this question, you are NOT where I was and that's a good thing. In that case, continue to go at your own pace. But if you cannot answer yes, then you have to do what I had to do and everyone else too...You have to do the unthinkable...you have to stick a pin in your arse and not be so afraid to grow up.  This is assuming you are past the age of a college student. hugs, T |
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Post by Sexlessw on Sept 4, 2008 4:02:54 GMT -8
SobrietyThirst:
Whew! Thanks so much for posting with what is going on in your world right now.
Eh - don't feel so badly about posting. EVERYBODY here - okay - I'll speak FOR MYSELF - has had that awful feeling of "oh no, why am I bothering these people with my issues!" Sorry sister, but YOUR ISSUES are important. It's NOT an imposition to read what you're going thru.
I'll ask you too [but don't give TMI = too much information] are you in college? Undergrad? Grad school?
There is NO perfection in the future. There's a funny quote from "Beavis & Butthead" I'd like to share with you. [remember "Beavis & Butthead"? If not, I'll post a link - it was a cartoon show on MTV in the mid 1990s]. Beavis & Butthead were on the couch watching some really BAD music video of a minor 80s HAIR BAND. The video showed some really outlandish, garish & black scenes of THE FUTURE (with minor 80s HAIR BAND looking rather foolish as they played air guitar). Beavis grabs the remote from Butthead hollaring: "The future SUCKS! Change it!"
Anyway - we prepare for the future with tools that we are aquiring now. You are doing what you can. Goals may change, but stay the course with your course work. Difficult, I know - it is overwhelming with so much coming at you.
As for your xPOA - I'm sure he's safe. Worry about YOU - I'm hoping the hurricanes don't hit you where YOU'RE at. And as for the male pal -don't read into his friendliness. Get your boundary sheild up and working - I think you're recognizing that, yes?
SobrietyThirst - please write back when you're able, school work permitting. Growing up isn't just a number (as Telmita hinted at in her post)
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Post by bluebird on Sept 4, 2008 7:02:00 GMT -8
hi sobriety thirst.
remember, lots of people in life will mean well. YOU alone know your heart and your path.
be true to you.
have the best day you can give yourself
love
bluebird
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This is assuming you are past the age of a college student.