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Post by Turtle Lover on Mar 23, 2009 13:16:22 GMT -8
I am running out of energy to fight this battle. I want so badly to believe that I can fight these feelings, but feelings of death are overwhelming me at the moment. The person whom I loved like a mom dumped me last summer and will have nothing to do with me. I am now obsessed to an unhealthy degree with trying to replace her with another person that reminds me of my original mother substitute who dumped me. My feelings aren't sexual in nature, but they are VERY VERY intense. This new woman has been very nice to me, and seems healthier than my first "surrogate mom" ever was. Sometimes I feel soooooo safe with her. However, I'm so terrified of her eventual abandonment and rejection that it is making me completely unable to enjoy my life and I'm feeling physically ill. I don't think she's doing anything to manipulate or abuse me, so it seems too horrible to contemplate cutting her out of my life simply because I'm obsessed with her to an unhealthy degree. I think she is genuinely trying to be my friend in a healthy way. I dream of her telling me she loves me and wishes that I was her daughter, and that she will promise to never abandon me. When she hugs me, I never want it to end. I wish I could age regress and snuggle with her. What do you do with THOSE sorts of feelings as a woman in her 30s?
Now, to add to my problems, I'm starting to have inappropriate feelings directed at my male therapist that I started seeing to help me with these "mother issues". The LAST thing I need is to have to deal w/ these feelings directed in a more romantic sort of way at a man, being that I'm married. I'm really starting to feel that I'd be better off dead....that there is nothing that pain and loss in my future. I can't stop wanting for certain older female friends/authority figures to be like a mother to me, and now to top it all off, I think I have the hots for my therapist. I can't take this. I really can't. This is too, too much.
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Post by Turtle Lover on Mar 24, 2009 8:42:58 GMT -8
Doing better today, but please keep me in your prayers.
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Post by sexlessw on Mar 25, 2009 15:33:28 GMT -8
What did you do today to make you feel more positively?
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Post by bluebird on Mar 25, 2009 22:36:21 GMT -8
Hi, ever try holding your own hand? I do when I am scared in a deep way. I tell myself it will be OK somehow and that I won't leave me. It feels comforting...especially if I also pray and ask for help.
God won't abandon you and you can learn to be there for yourself too.
be strong little one,
blessings bluebird
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Post by so confused on Mar 26, 2009 8:29:54 GMT -8
wow turtlelover,
i don't think you need to be so hard on yourself.
why do you look for love from these women? i'm guessing because you didn't get it from your real mom. that's sad but it doesn't mean you are crazy for sure. you just weren't loved like you deserved to be.
and as for your therapist I almost wanted to laugh when you said you were having inappropriate feelings for him. i almost laughed because I don't think anyone had more feelings for their therapist than I did. OMG i was head over heals in love with him. i don't even see him anymore but i still love him. what is wrong with that? for one thing it is probably mostly transference and thats normal and the other thing is why would anyone not fall in love or having feelings (whatever appropriate is, feelings are feelings) for a man/woman therapist who is nice to them. someone who respects them and treats them better than anyone ever has. it is completely normal and i would suggest you talk to your therapist about it. they are used to this and know how to deal with it and not shame you for it.
i know for me it makes more sense than anything that i love/loved my male therapist he was a wonderful person. of course he was good at his job. he never did anything inappropriate with my feelings for him like i have heard some therapists do with other people.
anyway...try and be gentle with yourself
so confused
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Post by Victorious on Mar 26, 2009 10:31:36 GMT -8
Ditto to what So Confused said about your "inappropriate feelings".
I don't know what the experts would say to this but I would ask my therapist if I could bring my surrogate mom to a session and role play with her representing my real mom (if she doesn't mind). I have used this tequenique with my husband role playing my father to help me work through my original childhood trauma and stop transferring those feelings onto my husband. After we do that he must "de-role", stating that he is not not my father. He is my husband F____. I repeat the statement.
I would not suggest doing this if you didn't say she was a healthy person that isn't manipulating you. If you don't like the role play idea I would still try to ask my friend to help me with my recovery process by both learning all we can about codependance.
Hang in there T. Its always darkest before the dawn. Life will get better if you keep working on your recovery. I promise.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 26, 2009 13:51:14 GMT -8
I was "in love" with my therapist. It is called transference. But I learned everything I needed to know about my incestuous relationship with my dad. All love addicts in therapy should read In Session by Deborah Lott.  |
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Post by Turtle Lover on Mar 28, 2009 17:44:32 GMT -8
Hi Susan, I ordered the book that you recommended. I will let you know what I think after I read it. Thanks for your help.
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Post by presence on Mar 28, 2009 22:03:35 GMT -8
I too had/have feelings of love for my therapist. They got romantic for about 10 seconds but I recognized what was happening---and like another poster said.....why wouldn't you feel love for the most helpful, most respectful, and caring person you've ever had in your life. I like to think my feelings are appropriate now....I think they are....but they're still very strong. I have so much affection for him though I only talk to him once or twice a year to say hello--like toward Christmas etc.
I have to admit...it hurt my pride to talk to him a few weeks back and still no report of having a healthy relationship--after all he did to help me (not try to help me...he helped me....I may be a mess now....but I was a hopeless disaster of a mess before)
Anyway--don't put yourself down on that score.
Presence
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Post by hopeful89 on Apr 12, 2009 18:56:05 GMT -8
Hi turtlelover! I can so connect with what you are saying. I am struggling with my mother figure and find that her only daughter is creating a wedge between us. She is now suggesting that we not call one another first thing in the morning or late in the evening before bed. The daughter thinks it is too much like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. My POA is a loving, tender, and thoughtful 82 year old woman. She needs me in many ways, but I know deep down she can live without me. The problem is I NEED her! I am married and have been for almost 20 years, but clearly something is missing in my life that I need her to fill the emptiness within. I know the pain that goes with NC. Tonight I called anyway and left a message, even though I know she asked me not to. Talk about weak! Our relationship is so close that my husband is jealous and the daughter is jealous. There is nothing inappropriate about it, but just two people who have found each other and share time with one another. She says that I am patient with her and loving. My husband told me today that he didn't love me. That was the first time in 27 years we have been together. It hurt, but then I think it is probably part of the reason I am seeking for love in all the wrong places. I have never cheated on him, but I guess in a way, my love and attention is somewhere else. He must sense it too. I feel like he has ignored me and controlled me for so long and I have found ME through my POA. When we are apart, I almost panic. I know that is not normal. I believe it is out of insecurity more than anything else--fear of losing her. I know her time is short and I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I don't know how to live each day without her. It is so important that I just talk to her, but I know I need to step back and let her call me. She had her first real fight with her only daughter today, because of me. I feel horrible about it. I am too weak to walk away from it. Please pray for me as I pray for you. We will get through this somehow!
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