I have no idea how to get through this

hey ncbeachgirl,

I can relate to how you feel because I went through the same exact emotions you are going through right now. Its like your telling my story.

I also wanted my POA to feel the pain I was going through. I did so many things out of my character to try to hurt him but in the end I was only hurting myself. Everything you do to try to hurt him will not bring him back, nor will it make you "even", it will only make you feel worse for stooping to levels that normally you would not do.

I also had thoughts of suicide so deep that I kept a razor in my shower and often held it to my wrist, my only consolation through my tears being the thought of my kids and how they would be the ones to find me.

And so I allowed myself to grieve. I didnt want to be around anyone, most dont understand the mind of a love addict. I needed time to be alone, to face being alone, and to grieve what seemed like a death of a loved one that I would never see again.

And because he lives down the street from me I saw him with his girlfriend many a days, and it made me sick to my stomach, like what was wrong with me that he did not choose me.

So much self doubt, so much lack of love for myself, so little confidance in who I was...and this lasted a few months...the sadness, and the anger...

But then as more time went on the pain started to go away. My tears literally dried up to a point where I COULDNT cry anymore, even if I wanted to. I read a lot, I posted here a lot, I went to counseling to find out what made me tick and why, I started an LA meeting in my area...I became PROACTIVE rather than REACTIVE.

And so I became stronger, I began to mature, I started to understand the why's of everything...and then forgiveness set in. Forgiveness towards those that made my inner child so damaged, forgiveness to myself for the craziness and havoc I created in so many lives because of this addiction, and forgiveness of my POA for hurting me.

I came to grasp the understanding that people will come and go from our lives. Life is meant to work that way. It is not a judgement on who we are, its the cycle of life. WE keep learning, we keep growing, we keep striving, and we keep loving.

I came to understand that WE ARE ALL entitled to happiness, it cannot be forced, coerced, bought...and if one person is no longer happy for whatever their reasons, then as humans they have a right to keep looking for it until they find it.

ncbeachgirl, you will get past this and be stronger for it. You will learn to recognize red flags when you see them, and you will discover more about yourself than you have ever known.

This recovery is about self discovery, knowing who you are, knowing you have value, knowing you don't have to settle for being in a relationship that hurts you.

Its your road to happiness, and though it may be a long and winding road with hills and mountains that may seem far beyond climbing, it was meant for you to walk. Your POA is on his own road. One he is meant to walk.

This board allows us to walk together and support each other on the journey.

You are going to be okay ncbeachgirl. Take your time to grieve, take your time to be angry, because after that comes peace and awareness like you have never known and that you will carry with you for the rest of your life.

I totally understand that it hurts to the core to be so easily replaced. But once you understand that it's THEIR problem, not you AT ALL, it is easier to let go of. It hurts, but you'll be okay.
Rejection, I've been there and not too long ago. But if my POA thinks he's going to find what he's looking for with another woman, there's nothing I can do to stop it. I am powerless over my POA, I am powerless over people (the other woman), places (the trips) and things, my life is unmanageable. I HAD to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. The obsessive thinking about my POA being with another woman drove me mad. I HAD to ask God to stop that thinking. For the most part, that has been removed. When it comes back into my head, I say to myself, I am not in recovery if I am thinking about him. Then I stop thinking about him. I think about me and what I can do to grow in that moment.
I can get down to life and death.
This is about my recovery, not about my POA.

u63961 you are in my prayers as you travel through this dark night of the soul. I don't know if you have a close relationship with God, but if you do now is the time to turn to him.


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I'm sorry if I sound stubborn, but I don't understand...what is the point of love and relationships if we're just supposed to look at them as temporary and things that come and go in life? How can you enjoy a romantic relationship if you perceive it that way? What is the point of marriage then? Of any commitment?

I know we're not supposed to define ourselves by a love relationship, but isn't it still an important part of life and who we are?

I will chime in on this. As a member of 12 step programs I have discovered that nothing is forever.

Bad times pass and GOOD times pass. Relationships come and go and come back and leave again.

Life, for me, IS really "one day at a time".

If I were to fall in love and develope a healthy romantic relationship that lead to a commitment for life - I would still go into it knowing that I may HOPE it continues for life - but I cannot guarantee it. I can commit to it one day at a time.

To me it's like recovery. I INTEND to stay sober today. I love and appreciate my sobriety. I am committed to it. I do what I can to support it - despite it's ups and downs. I cannot imagine my life without my sobriety.

But I only have it for today.

That may not go along with traditional "vows" and the concept of forever and ever. But that's what I feel deep down. And it takes a lot of pressure off to stay in the day.