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Post by ncbeachgirl on Jun 19, 2009 6:02:33 GMT -8
I am so tired - I just want this to end -
This weekend we had planned a trip and he is now on the trip with his new girlfriend
He has told me she is the one - and he feels like she will be forever (I guess the last five years did not count at all)
I sit at home at night and think aout ways to end this - I want to hurt him - I want him to feel bad and to be sorry - I want that everytime he looks at this woman that he know that that is what destroyed me and to feel bad about it -
I just cannot handle this anymore
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jbaysmom
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Post by jbaysmom on Jun 19, 2009 7:35:32 GMT -8
Don't give up! I, too, felt like quitting on life just a couple of months ago. I still suffer enormous amounts of pain, but I refuse to let him (my husband-poA) have sooo much power over me. My friends and family would be devastated and he'd have a huge ego that HE was so impt and special and wonderful that someone gave up their life over him. I'm not willing to feed his ego that way. Trust me...there were days when I called my family to come get me cuz I was afraid of what I'd do to myself. It will get a little easier. I still hurt but dont think of suicide. I still cry alot, get angry alot, hurt alot. Hang in there. You can do this...WE can do this!!
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Post by tcooley on Jun 19, 2009 9:43:49 GMT -8
hey ncbeachgirl,
I can relate to how you feel because I went through the same exact emotions you are going through right now. Its like your telling my story.
I also wanted my POA to feel the pain I was going through. I did so many things out of my character to try to hurt him but in the end I was only hurting myself. Everything you do to try to hurt him will not bring him back, nor will it make you "even", it will only make you feel worse for stooping to levels that normally you would not do.
I also had thoughts of suicide so deep that I kept a razor in my shower and often held it to my wrist, my only consolation through my tears being the thought of my kids and how they would be the ones to find me.
And so I allowed myself to grieve. I didnt want to be around anyone, most dont understand the mind of a love addict. I needed time to be alone, to face being alone, and to grieve what seemed like a death of a loved one that I would never see again.
And because he lives down the street from me I saw him with his girlfriend many a days, and it made me sick to my stomach, like what was wrong with me that he did not choose me.
So much self doubt, so much lack of love for myself, so little confidance in who I was...and this lasted a few months...the sadness, and the anger...
But then as more time went on the pain started to go away. My tears literally dried up to a point where I COULDNT cry anymore, even if I wanted to. I read a lot, I posted here a lot, I went to counseling to find out what made me tick and why, I started an LA meeting in my area...I became PROACTIVE rather than REACTIVE.
And so I became stronger, I began to mature, I started to understand the why's of everything...and then forgiveness set in. Forgiveness towards those that made my inner child so damaged, forgiveness to myself for the craziness and havoc I created in so many lives because of this addiction, and forgiveness of my POA for hurting me.
I came to grasp the understanding that people will come and go from our lives. Life is meant to work that way. It is not a judgement on who we are, its the cycle of life. WE keep learning, we keep growing, we keep striving, and we keep loving.
I came to understand that WE ARE ALL entitled to happiness, it cannot be forced, coerced, bought...and if one person is no longer happy for whatever their reasons, then as humans they have a right to keep looking for it until they find it.
ncbeachgirl, you will get past this and be stronger for it. You will learn to recognize red flags when you see them, and you will discover more about yourself than you have ever known.
This recovery is about self discovery, knowing who you are, knowing you have value, knowing you don't have to settle for being in a relationship that hurts you.
Its your road to happiness, and though it may be a long and winding road with hills and mountains that may seem far beyond climbing, it was meant for you to walk. Your POA is on his own road. One he is meant to walk.
This board allows us to walk together and support each other on the journey.
You are going to be okay ncbeachgirl. Take your time to grieve, take your time to be angry, because after that comes peace and awareness like you have never known and that you will carry with you for the rest of your life.
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Post by judy on Jun 19, 2009 9:56:46 GMT -8
Lovely words, tcooley. Thank you. It's very very difficult to accept that everyone deserves to be happy.
When the person you are in love with chooses someone else it is some of the worst pain ever. You just feel absolutely abandoned.
I just keep praying. Praying for acceptance. Praying for grace.
Praying to stay the course and not act out.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 19, 2009 10:52:18 GMT -8
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Post by nickie on Jun 19, 2009 18:16:54 GMT -8
please go see a dr. asap. i cannot tell you how well my medication has worked for me regarding suicidal impulse. there are many non mood changing perscriptions out there. it is as if the switch about having the option of death has just been turned off. my life externals have not changed but my brain chemistry has.
ncbeachgirl, violence is not the answer either to yourself or someone else. if you feel teetering on the edge of violence pls call a dr. because you ARE worth it no matter how badly you feel no man is worth taking your life.
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jenniferg
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Post by jenniferg on Jun 19, 2009 20:49:53 GMT -8
I totally understand that it hurts to the core to be so easily replaced. But once you understand that it's THEIR problem, not you AT ALL, it is easier to let go of. It hurts, but you'll be okay. Rejection, I've been there and not too long ago. But if my POA thinks he's going to find what he's looking for with another woman, there's nothing I can do to stop it. I am powerless over my POA, I am powerless over people (the other woman), places (the trips) and things, my life is unmanageable. I HAD to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. The obsessive thinking about my POA being with another woman drove me mad. I HAD to ask God to stop that thinking. For the most part, that has been removed. When it comes back into my head, I say to myself, I am not in recovery if I am thinking about him. Then I stop thinking about him. I think about me and what I can do to grow in that moment. I can get down to life and death. This is about my recovery, not about my POA.
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Post by u63961 on Jun 22, 2009 12:33:36 GMT -8
I know how you fel as well, I have good moments, but for the most part I am in so much pain and thinking about my wife with the other "that she says she is in love with, and yesterday on Father's Day, I acted out and tried to punch him because I found out she has moved him in." So it's been the worst month of my life. First our 15th Anniversary which was the first we'd spent apart, she would do anything with me (come to find out because she is falling out of love with me and in love with some other" then then she says we will not get back together, , my son's birthday, then I find out that she wants to be with someone else, we were probably over before, but I hadn't even accepted that before I found out the other (and we are still legally married) haven't even filed for divorce yet. (and have two sons) I feel like I'm in a nightmare I will never wake up from, It's all I can do to hold down my job, and then I sllep too much b/c I can't face her rejection, and betrayal , and giving up on me, and the idea of a future without her (and I'm reminded of us at every song, movie, just looking at my son) But i guess they say time will heal the wounds, and God.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 22, 2009 13:58:41 GMT -8
u63961 you are in my prayers as you travel through this dark night of the soul. I don't know if you have a close relationship with God, but if you do now is the time to turn to him. [/center]
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Post by estrela5 on Jun 24, 2009 16:15:43 GMT -8
thats such a great thread! i hope each of you knows we are here in the same road!we are here to help each other! get hope readin how others who were in the same situation are doing so great now! we will not give up on you all who post here! life is so much more than our POAS ! i will pray for eahc of you to find the peace that things come and go and that doesnt mean we need to come and go with them! we need to hold on to ourselves! who we are cant be defined by a relationship . and what happes to our life will no more be defined by where our relationships are going!
we guide ousevels! higher power is our source!
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Post by flower32 on Jul 2, 2009 0:45:03 GMT -8
I'm sorry if I sound stubborn, but I don't understand...what is the point of love and relationships if we're just supposed to look at them as temporary and things that come and go in life? How can you enjoy a romantic relationship if you perceive it that way? What is the point of marriage then? Of any commitment?
I know we're not supposed to define ourselves by a love relationship, but isn't it still an important part of life and who we are?
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Post by tcooley on Jul 2, 2009 5:18:32 GMT -8
Hi flower32.
When I state that people coming and going is the cycle of life what I mean is that ALL relationships are not meant to last. People will constantly come and go.
In terms of love, marraige, and what not...its about finding a healthy person to share your life with, someone that can love you in a healthy way that you can love back in a healthy way.
Until you find that, its a process of trial and error. You can have romantic relationships, but when it starts to go bad and its a situation where one or the other of you does not want to be in it, or is having issues that you dont want to get help for in order to allow the relationship to work...then you have to let go.
So thats what I meant...people in our lives usually are temporary. We may have 1 or 2 good friends that we have with us through life, family we are stuck with : ), and lovers or spouses...they come and go to...until you find the one that is right and healthy for you.
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Post by judy on Jul 2, 2009 5:33:09 GMT -8
I will chime in on this. As a member of 12 step programs I have discovered that nothing is forever.
Bad times pass and GOOD times pass. Relationships come and go and come back and leave again.
Life, for me, IS really "one day at a time".
If I were to fall in love and develope a healthy romantic relationship that lead to a commitment for life - I would still go into it knowing that I may HOPE it continues for life - but I cannot guarantee it. I can commit to it one day at a time.
To me it's like recovery. I INTEND to stay sober today. I love and appreciate my sobriety. I am committed to it. I do what I can to support it - despite it's ups and downs. I cannot imagine my life without my sobriety.
But I only have it for today.
That may not go along with traditional "vows" and the concept of forever and ever. But that's what I feel deep down. And it takes a lot of pressure off to stay in the day.
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Post by Havefaith on Jul 2, 2009 5:50:47 GMT -8
flower32 - the point of love, a relationship, a commitment to another, marriage, is that indeed, yes it IS a part of life, and a wonderful one at that -- if that person is "right and healthy for you" as tcooley wisely stated.
By the Grace of God, I've been married 23 years to a great man -- I say by the Grace of God, because I have not always been emotionally faithful to him. That is why I am here. I need to get well. I am perilously close to losing him if I continue on my slippery slope.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 2, 2009 9:57:33 GMT -8
In Works of Love by Soren Kierkegaard he said "erotic love" has certain physiological side effects. One, he says, is that erotic love triggers in us a desire for the "high" to go on forever. This can be said of all mind-altering drugs. (The drug-addict goes back again and again to try and recreate the initial high. They chase a dream. The subsequent highs are rarely as good as the initial one.)
There is no explanation as to why relationships have a life span. They just do. Pragmatists understand this. Romantics don't. Romantics are more likely to become love addicts.
One must learn to let go when the life span is over whether it be 30 seconds in the elevator or 50 years of marriage.
There is one exception to this. Do not let go of a good marriage because of limerence. That is like getting divorced because you found cocaine on the internet.
Article about life spans . . . ezinearticles.com/?Seven-Factors-That-Influence-the-Quality-and-Life-Span-of-Romantic-Relationships-and-Marriage&id=2385645
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Post by Havefaith on Jul 2, 2009 10:16:51 GMT -8
Well said, Susan. So many of us here are chasing after that 'high' - I know how excruciatingly hard it is to give up. I am a pragmatist at heart, but am continually intrigued by the 'high'. I will never give up my solid marriage for "cocaine on the internet" but if I don't stop certain behaviors, my marriage (husband) may give up on me.
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Post by triggered on Jul 14, 2009 7:40:48 GMT -8
Ncbeachgirl, and U631-- I agree with all of the posts. Pain is part of life, and everything is in a state of impermanance. Even our parents being in our life is impermanant. My poa wasted years of my life, or I should say I wasted years of my life because of my inability to have self-care, and detach from a situation that didn't meet my needs. I know the extreme pain, and other range of emotions that you guys are going through. I have been waking up several times during the night in total rage. I hate going through this, but I know that it will change, if I am WILLING for it to change. We can't control people, places, or things. I have to be in acceptance that my poa chose someone else. This is his decision, he is not my HP, he doesn't control who lives or dies. It's just another human being with his own set of issues. I am confident I will find someone else, but I want to be healthy first. Not just to attract someone healthy, but to recognize someone who isn't and boot them out of my life. And if I do meet the person I think is right and it ends to be able to cope with the end of that relationship. I too am learning these skills now, and I am close to 40. I am grateful, because if I didn't go through this last destructive relationship I would have kept repeating my pattern. Things happen for a reason, it's if you want to go with what the universe is giving you, and be in acceptance, or fight against it, and suffer. Let's face it, all of us can find someone new in five minutes. It's that we seek a high. Us LA's seek the high from another person. What i've seen from friends that aren't LA's, who have had their relationships end, and believe me, I've known people that were abandoned after 15 years. They grieve, are angry, but move on. Most are remarried, or have met someone else within the first year of their breakups. To us LA's it's like the end of the world. It's not real--our perception is skewed. Hang in there. Move through the pain, surrender to th e point where you can't go on, and the pain will lift.
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