Completely Defined by What I don't have

presence
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Completely Defined by What I don't have Jun 27, 2009 21:01:38 GMT -8

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Post by presence on Jun 27, 2009 21:01:38 GMT -8

A friend who posts here copied a passage out of a book that describes this identity. And I recognized myself immediately.

That is an ugly thing to be. I know it is but I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. I'm not even trying to work my way out of it. But I do see it as a useless position to choose to put oneself in.

I need to grieve the loss of THE DREAM of what I wanted my life to look like while letting this identity go. I don't know how....but I'm not striving, reading everything I can get my hands on, not trying to cure myself.

I'm not doing anything. I'm okay to good at work though. Studying the material they've given me. Being off-duty is a different story.

I made myself go out with a new friend to a Shakespeare in the park thing. It was cold and I could barely hear but it was good to be out with people, eating, lying on a blanket.

Today, I didn't get up until 2 or 3 o'clock because there was no reason to...but somehow I was okay with that. I did spend too much time thinking of my POA...pushed it away...came back ... pushed it way....but I did not let myself fantasize about how it could be...

Now, I realize that longing for a POA somehow feels better than hoping for....nothing. The future is blank without something to work for...to wait for. And this still seems true even though my material/physical life has changed so dramatically--again...but nothing ever changes despite changes in location, job, etc.

There was a picnic at the church for the group home girls THAT I COULD HAVE gone to today but I haven't been involved in that ministry for a while. And truthfully. I've been disappointed that some of the friendships that haven't developed...mostly due to physical distance I think. I didn't want to smile at people and act like everything's okay.

I'm trying to stop working both sides of a relationship--even friendships so maybe following my feelings on this one was a good decision...since I can't be involved in this ministry right now anyway---too far, too much gas for my pay grade right now.

Anyway.....I've been lying about "being okay" for two weeks now. "I'm fine...how are you?" over and over. It's like having the flu and having something in your stomach that needs to come up and out (the wrong way round) but holding it down, holding it in feels right because letting it come up hurts and is disgusting. Yet letting it go is like letting out the poison your body trying to protect you from.

There's just nobody to trust or lean on. Nobody reliable.

My mother's been ringing the phone off the hook. Left me a message saying she wanted to have a "heart-to-heart" talk two days after father's day. Now, I COULD choose to believe that she heard me lie when I said, "I'm fine" OR I could choose to accept that she wants to lecture me about not calling my abusive father on father's day just as she's done annually for more than a decade. Uh...I think I'll let it ring.

I guess I feel less angry than I was a few days or a week ago too Something about it feels better. Posting here probably helped. Thanks again to all who responded. I'm think of death as a relief still--- but less often. The future seems like less of a horror show--just blank space now though.

I don't know that I'm feeling less despondent as I am feeling more accepting of it. I hope that's progress. I hope this is me moving into a more neutral zone from a miserable one...but I'm not sure.

I went to church and heard a sermon about King Solomon and depression and hopelessness...a sermon that seemed like it was written for me. Usually this sort of thing makes me feel like God IS PAYING ATTENTION...but I didn't hear half of it. My mind is so scattered and the family in front of me was up and down and up and down....

And I didn't care anyway.

Holding on,
Presence

nickie
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Completely Defined by What I don't have Jun 28, 2009 8:47:40 GMT -8

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Post by nickie on Jun 28, 2009 8:47:40 GMT -8

"we reduce ourselves to what we fail to possess, turning away from what is really alive in us. "
is this the quote that is discouraging you right now? i apologize if that thread feeds one's negative body soo to speak.

presence have you heard of byron katie?
www.thework.com/thework.asp

i found her four questions to be very helpful to turn off obsessive negative rumination. i needed some extra tools to stop feeding my negative thinking and her site helped me along with her book one thousand faces of joy.

holding on is a good thing especially when i'm temporarily unable to do more then that... it's good enough.

presence
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Completely Defined by What I don't have Jun 29, 2009 16:46:05 GMT -8

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Post by presence on Jun 29, 2009 16:46:05 GMT -8

Dear Nickie

Please don't worry that something you said sent me off on another tangent. You've been nothing but helpful and supportive.

You just put a name on exactly what I was already feeling. Diagnosis of the problem is critical to solving the problem but there's really not a problem (per se) to solve. Something I've wanted all my life is not going to happen. Even when I put I was focused on moving up and moving on from my home life and making a new life for myself, the thought that what I wanted,--what I would eventually deserve to get--would just come to me.

Then when I started to try to be more pro-active about my social life, I learned a lot about myself and how I am in ALL my relationships. And there's been progress: I am no longer the mommy in any group I'm a part of. Yet, I still find myself trying too hard for very, very little reciprocation. (This may be a pattern I'll always have to watch out for....that it doesn't creep back on me.)

But back to the point....

Having that "SOMEDAY" in the back of my head die, after living there undisturbed for more than 35 out of my 45 years, was bound to cause some suffering.

It may take more than the a one week respite with a POA* and seven-to-eight months for this grief to resolve. (*= I was going through this BEFORE the POA came along in December)

Thanks for caring,
Presence

nickie
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Completely Defined by What I don't have Jun 29, 2009 22:08:32 GMT -8

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Post by nickie on Jun 29, 2009 22:08:32 GMT -8

thanks presence, i'm such a codependent i'm grateful to read that it's not my fault. HA. some of us are slower then others and no matter how much i concentrate on healing my coe instinct, anyway,...

at the risk of throwing too many books out there, can i add another one to check out on amazon.com to the list? transforming sexuality, the archetypal world of anima and animus by Ann&Barry Ulanov.

as they point out: this books speaks to what they term, the contrasexual bridge of anima/animus between the ego and the Self. IF i do not respond to my own claims of my own ego to integrate the psychological content that comes across my anima/animus bridge from my larger Self, THEN i can become caught in my shadow animus and attack my ego.

excerpts from p196 p201,202:

"when the bridge collapses at the Self side, we cannot find right relationship with anima or animus.

when unlived energies of the Self amass behind an anima or animus bridge that has collapsed, the negative voices grow so strong they encase us like armor.

our thorns thicken into impenetrable armor when we need to be protected against the numbing pain of a wound we cannot heal. the socalled animus woman, whose opinions regularly step in front of her ego and surround her in protective coating, identifies with her masculinity, not to express empathy with the male but to flee the mother who hurt her, and the archetypal mother images that stand behind her. armed with animus convictions, she can seal up the wound. but this is an animus hostile to women, which appears in their deams as a berating or mocking voice and in their behavior as their own nagging voices attacking others.

if the animus woman's contrasexuality carries her inferior thinking function, the pseudoanimus puts on a show of pseudothinking that aims to dominate, not explore; to outlaw doubt, not inspire creativity. anima armor, in its turn, insulates a man against dependence on woman or women. he displays not self reliance, but fear, even hatred, of the feminine. or he plays caring mother to himself in bouts of sentimental self indulence.

the wound underneath the afflicted woman or man stays neglected under the anima or animus armor.

sexual relations cannot be used to solve unmet dependency."

i don't want to bombard everyone with too much taken out of context theory. it is just that i find myself as excited as i am discouraged to learn from this book the inner jungian dynamics that spawn my addiction to deprivation, subjugation and abandonment.... certainly NOT love.

i feel more hopeful and open to my higher power as i find ways that make sense (to me) to understand and dissemble my mechanically entrenched subverted instincts which have resulted in my living life in reaction to resentment rather then response to Self.

recovery IS a process not a destination, right?

Last Edit: Jun 29, 2009 22:17:17 GMT -8 by nickie

presence
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Completely Defined by What I don't have Jun 30, 2009 17:02:46 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by presence on Jun 30, 2009 17:02:46 GMT -8

Nickie

I know that there is something profoundly right about what you just sent me but I swear I don't understand more than 50% of anything prior to: "sexual relations cannot be used to solve unmet dependency."

If you have time, can you explain it again...sans the anima-animus thing....I'm going to look those words up myself anyway...and then try to re-read, but I don't think that's going to help. I just don't have that much psych background.

Thanks
Presence

nickie
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Completely Defined by What I don't have Jun 30, 2009 21:07:16 GMT -8

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Post by nickie on Jun 30, 2009 21:07:16 GMT -8

yup, too much psycho babble for most people i realize. since i don't have access to therapy i've read alot and do alot of work solo which might explain why i progress soo slowly. HA.

briefly: the anima, is archetypal female energy within every individual. the animus, is archetypal male energy housed within every individual. women have both energies. men have both.

it wouldn't be possible to explain the stuff about the bridge between the ego and Self that the ulanov's describe without speaking in terms of the female and male balance of energy within everyone's internal psychological topology.

marion woodman describes soo well the importance of containing our psychic energy rather then projecting it. embracing my unconscious gifts my anima and animus deliver me.

p.154 The Pregnant Virgin

"projections are charged with archetypal energy until they have been assimilated by the conscious ego. our inherent natures and the individual circumstances of our childhood put us in touch with particular archetypal patterns, these are the tapestries within which our lives are woven. how we relate to them is our choice. we can succumb to a pattern and blindly live it out, in other words, never question who we are; we can identify with a pattern that is foreign to our nature, effectively burying ourselves alive; we can resent our apparent destiny, thus evoking a negative response from the unconscious (chronic conflict, accidents, disease); OR we can acknowledge our personal parameters and celebrate the mystery of who we are. the last involves a redefinition of "suffering," thinking of it not so much as pain to be avoided at all costs, but as the travail natural to any growth process. "

for a more popularized, less psychologically theorized description about archetypal realities, in video format, try caroline myss:
www.myss.com/CMED/media/

Last Edit: Jun 30, 2009 21:18:09 GMT -8 by nickie

presence Guest	Completely Defined by What I don't have Jul 2, 2009 23:52:25 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by presence on Jul 2, 2009 23:52:25 GMT -8 Okay. I'll check it out. Thanks Nickie. So much Presence

Completely Defined by What I don't have

Post by presence on Jun 27, 2009 21:01:38 GMT -8

Post by nickie on Jun 28, 2009 8:47:40 GMT -8

Post by presence on Jun 29, 2009 16:46:05 GMT -8

Post by nickie on Jun 29, 2009 22:08:32 GMT -8

Post by presence on Jun 30, 2009 17:02:46 GMT -8

Post by nickie on Jun 30, 2009 21:07:16 GMT -8

Post by presence on Jul 2, 2009 23:52:25 GMT -8