Post by Metamorphosis on Aug 10, 2008 14:03:57 GMT -8
I am addicted to taking care of my grown son. I used to belong to CoDA for parents. I mistreated him when he was a child. His father was a drug addict and then died. I let him hang out with his uncle who ended up molesting his sister. I think he has Borderline Personality Distorder. After he graduated from college he could not hold down a regular job due to his personality and so I got in the habit of supporting him. I got addicted to this and could not say no. He got addicted to me helping him. Six months ago I got on disability and stopped helping. I am in withdrawal. It is very painful. NC is not an option. He calls for money and I say no. Then I get depressed. He is on the verge of being homeless but I am trying to be strong. I will never turn my back on him completely. Don't ask me to do that. I know some parents have to do that, but I won't. I am praying that he learn how to take care of himself and stop torturing me. I have never gotten this far in my withdrawal so I am hopeful.
I was also a relaltionship addict with my ex-husband. I stayed with him long after the love was gone. I am not sure I ever loved him. I just did not want to be alone. I kept busy keeping house and raising the kids. Eventually, because he abused me, I put him out but he hounded me for years threatening my life.
Hi M- You've come a long way. The pain must be horrible. This is a core change for you and the amazing thing is - you're doing it! As difficult as it has been for you, you are making change happen in your life. You are creating a healthier space for yourself and your son to live in. You're awesome! Coming this far through all of what you have shared with us tells me how much you want a better life. So you are probably right in the middle of your personal renovation. I have a lot of respect for what you are doing. My mom died without doing the work you are doing. I watched her die broke, in a horrid nursing home that would take her on her social security, and the people she had saved from themselves throughout the years - didn't even come to see her while she was dying. You don't have to go to the end of that road. With all my heart, having seen what I saw - I encourage you to continue to stand up for yourself.
life is not for the faint of heart -have courage and keep posting. bluebird
Last Edit: Aug 10, 2008 15:53:32 GMT -8 by bluebird
Post by Metamorphosis on Aug 13, 2008 15:29:15 GMT -8
I kept pushing my son away and he kept coming back. Then he stopped. Now I am in withdrawal and missing him. I am trying to be strong. I know if I call him just to say hello he will ask me for money. I have to wait for him to call but it is hard. I guess I will just pray for him and try to be strong. In Howard Halpern's book he talks about "properly launching" children. I did not do that and now my son is self-absorbed with serious entitlement issues. I know he must become self-reliant or be a dependent child all his life. But this is so hard . . .
Are there any parents of grown children on this board . . .
Oh M, do hang in there. it is the gift to you both. I don't have grown kids so I'm sure I don't understand what it feels like. I just know you are doing something very empowering for yourself and your son. hugs bluebird
Post by Metamorphosis on Sept 8, 2008 13:08:32 GMT -8
Things are getting better. My son called and said I had a lit a fire under him and he was glad. I am so glad I did this. But we still have a long way to go. My addiction to helping my son is really strong. I can't stop seeing him as my baby. The projection is so powerful, but that is all it is.
i am so glad i found this post. i think i am addicted to my daughter. she is 18 years old, and has a twin brother. she has obsessive compulsive disorder, since she was 12 years old, and has been on very low doze of antidepressants. i am trying to save her from everything. the biggest problem is that she is always after a guy. her friends have been boys since she was 12. OMG i wonder if she is a love addict and that's how she deals with her pain of obsession. Last nite she slept in a hotel with 3 other guys. i asked her why, and she said there is nothing wrong with that. i think there is. i told her so. i think i am projecting so many fears onto her. i used to overprotect her from people. did not want her to be sexually abused like i was. now i don't want her to become a la. as i am writing this, i can see that i am treating her like she was me. but she is not me i had a problem with my sons drinking. he reminded me of my brother who was like that. somehow with the grace of god i let go of seeing him as my brother, and things have really changed between the two of us. i am letting go of him. my daughter is not me, and i need to give her space. i really hope there are more people who can contribute to this post. i really need help from someone who has gone down this road