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Post by candee on Aug 10, 2008 21:22:08 GMT -8
Hi.Im currently addicted to a toxic friendship.It is just as painful and stressful as being a LA.
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Post by candee on Aug 11, 2008 5:49:16 GMT -8
This is painful.Id expect a relationship with a man to hurt like this,but how can a friend betray you over and over again.How can she use you and not be there for you despite you trying your best to be a great friend. Well she has issues of her own and the friendship was terrible from the beginning.I just didnt want to see it.She was supposed to be my friend.Im going to therapy on wednesday,after 1.5 years and I hope to discuss this with my therapist. Well i guess not even friendships have a guarentee hey.  |
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Post by sobrietythirst on Aug 11, 2008 9:51:44 GMT -8
I have been addicted to a friend in the past and to an extent still think I am addicted to several. I have let friends' tear me down, betray, and lie to me or gossip and because I have confided in them my deepest, darkest secrets. I also have friend who I am codependent on and I think is codependent on me. We spend so much time drowning each other in pity parties and I thought I was being a dedicated friend, but I am realizing I have simply been a shoulder that she knows she can cry on. I also thought to myself ...this will one day prepare me for a romantic relationship, all the stress and drama go through.
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Post by candee on Aug 11, 2008 22:12:08 GMT -8
Yeh its pathetic...those pity parties hey...[td][/td]
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Post by sobrietythirst on Aug 13, 2008 8:52:31 GMT -8
Yeah...it's somewhat comforting but also extremely damaging..I think there's something that's in me that likes knowing someone is as damaged as me or fails at relationships, even if it means friendship the way I do. Then I'm upset because she's been selfish again..but it's who she's always been and how in the world can I be a friend to her when I'm not even a friend to myself?
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Post by smbeets on Aug 14, 2008 3:23:07 GMT -8
Today I have conversations with God and I should say conscious contact with God so I am separate from other people. Your life is changing for the better Candee.
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Post by candee on Aug 14, 2008 5:33:03 GMT -8
SMBEETS...WOW! thanks for the comment.Everyone says Im getting there...At a snails pace though LOL
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Post by sobrietythirst on Aug 15, 2008 11:05:56 GMT -8
I had a friend...we talked yesterday. She admitted that she did not want to take advantage of me...and I admited that sometimes I should probably let go, be honest with myself..and admit that sometimes the focus should be on me. She agreed..
-sobrietythirst
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Post by smbeets on Sept 10, 2008 16:48:18 GMT -8
Some times for me , I have to quit talking about it and move to the other side of the street. I just don't always know exactly when to fricken move!!
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2muchpain
Full Member
Prayer Requests
Posts: 184
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Post by 2muchpain on Sept 10, 2008 17:23:35 GMT -8
I had a friend who was my best ever girl-friend. (Something I do not have much of). She was my best friend for 2 years and supported me and knew all of my secrets. She hugged me (I am not a hugger) and told she loved me. We were both leaders in our field and were together a lot. God she made me laugh. At the end of 2 years, she freaked out on me, quit her job, told me I was a horrible person and left. Talk about addiction and emotional whiplash!!!!
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Post by london on Sept 27, 2008 6:46:45 GMT -8
I recently began looking at one of my friendships. She called me not long ago and asked me to come over for lunch. I found it very odd for her to invite me over because it is not liker her to do so. My daughter and I went over for lunch and she asked me to watch her son while she made a call (work-related). Two hours passed while she was e-mailing and making phone calls. She just wanted me to come over to watch her son. I feel so angry at myself and for exposing my daughter to such exploitive behavior. She called me a couple nights ago and left a message that she had a favor to ask me. I didn't return her call and instead focused on taking care of my own needs. She called again and left a message asking if I wanted to come over for tea. Since then, she has added me as a friend to her Facebook account. I think she knows I have caught on to her manipulativeness. Honestly, I don't mind doing things for friends when they are HONEST! I will still be friends with her, but not to the detriment of sacrificing myself. Lesson learned. In the past, I would have pointed the finger at the other person and not looked at my part in all of this. Today, I know I am the one who was the problem and have fixed the behavior. If she chooses to leave the friendship, then that is her choice and she never really was a friend. I'd rather be my own best friend, then hang onto someone like this thinking I will be alone. I know this will attract better friendships in the future.
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Post by candee on Sept 29, 2008 21:22:27 GMT -8
Ive been reading the DANCE OF ANGER.And ive been putting those principles into action.This friend of mine was very controlling.I had no self when I was with her and for the past month I have been saying no more often.Her attempts to control me are being filtered out by my boundaries Ive set.I dont get angry at her when I say no.I articulate my needs and wants and then she can decide waht she wants to do.Off course she is having a hard time dealing with this.She snaps at me and picks fights.But it is important for me to stand my ground about my needs and wants and I have been feeling so much better.
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Post by london on Oct 1, 2008 13:30:49 GMT -8
Good for you candee! Keep going and don't stop! Sometimes the person will leave the relationship when they can't manipuate and control you anymore. That has been my experience. Being your own best friend is what matters most.
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Post by roz2008 on Nov 30, 2008 9:52:14 GMT -8
I must admit I see this in me too. I have/had a friend that knew my last poa and was his sponsor's sponsor. Yes. Honestly, we were friends before I knew it. But after I knew it, I called her to vent about my resentments on him, she listened, and was "there" for me when we broke up. I tried to stay connected to her thinking she would talk to her sponsee about me, and he would talk to him about me.......what insane behavior! Anyway, long after the break up, I stayed friends with her, obssessing on her and hoping I would hear something of blooiz. I never did. I noticed that she didn't return my calls, took days to return my emails, (or not return them at all) and sometimes not return my texts. When she did, she'd call me gurlie, I love you, my sweet, sexy...in a friendly way--both of us heterosexual. But I have learned through this site that I am vulnerable to those pet names ...whenever someone calls me baby, sweetheart, beautiful, etc., I get attached. So, I was thinking we'd have a great friendship. She continues to be the same, not nurturing the relationship, kind of like a binge purge thing. Won't hear from her for weeks and when I do, it's a long one. Then she disappears again. I kept going to the hardware store for milk with her and am One Day at A Time, letting go. Just as with a man romantic thing, I want quality friendships that are balanced in giving and receiving. With her I was doing all the work and don't want to engage in that behavior anymore. Thank you LAA and those who post. I learn so much from your honest shares.  |
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Post by Sophie's world on Jun 13, 2009 1:22:37 GMT -8
Thank you candee for starting this post.
Oef after the long list of LA threats I find myself also being very easily very attached to friends.
I have had some best friends before, I cut some unhealthy friendships. It makes me feel sad that I am so unable to have balanced healthy relationships.
The ones who are not there for me I did/ do my best for, and the ones who do their best for me I keep distance, I get nervous cause I feel they have too much expectations, i do the same with my family (where there really has been too much expectations). I really don't know what to do with this Seductive Witholders behavior of mine.
The good thing is i am seeing it now, and I can protect myself of the uncaring ones, and I can protect others to take care better.
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Post by london on Jul 1, 2009 5:53:01 GMT -8
My friend who was using me and I didn't even know it until I separated from her tried to reel me in again by giving me a huge compliment. I would have never recognized this behavior before until I took major steps out of the relationship. She needs someone to feed off of and I was perfect for it. She even had a 3rd party show up to reel me back in to her web. She's a life sucker and I will never go near here again. She accused her ex of being a narcissist. She was the narcissist.
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Post by candee on Sept 2, 2009 22:02:50 GMT -8
Guys please be very very careful with thinking that if its not a romatic relationship it wont hurt.I am finding that I have famliy and friends who are just as toxic as any lover can be.
You deserve better.A friend should live up to certain standards and we have friends so that we do not have to ride the storms on our own.We do not needs toxic friends!!!
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Post by dovesend37 on Oct 26, 2009 10:22:05 GMT -8
Dear Roz2008: Thanks for sharing. I can relate to this one. I have a girlfriend for at least 15 years. I met her when she was ending a relationship and getting divorced. I am widowed and I also ended a relationship after that. I have always been there for the girl, as I was the stronger one at the time. Listened to her crying and carrying on for years about her playing the victim role.
When I told her I realized I was a LA and tried to explain it to her, after her listening to me also about my bad relationships over the years, she turned on me and snapped. Told me that I was obsessed with my partner and that I should get angry and get rid of him. After being divorced for 15 years, she constantly complains about her ex husband and states how she still hates him and is still angry every time she hears his voice. When I told her I did not think that was healthy, and I disagreed with her telling me I should get angry also. I told her I worked past the anger and I am looking forward to gaining peace out of forgiveness, because that is in the past and I don't want any baggage to go on with my life. She told me I was wrong and I should ask my therapist whether she was right or not. I told her he is working with me to get past any resentments since years ago I was stuck in it and it did me no good. I gave up reacting and I am into action for my own good now. She then proceed to tell me that my therapist is no good and I should get rid of him also. Normally I would be inclined to agree with her to keep peace and when I got off the phone I realized there was a certain amount of addiction in her relationship with me also and she was no different than my POA who constantly criticizes me and withdraws. He never says he sorry, neither did she ever and I think now I fully realize I do not need friends like these. I do not have to keep the peace and go back to these people and KTA. Having nobody would be better than keeping an addictiion to a person whether they be male or female. I know I am growing and changing. Thanks for listening.
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Post by primrose on Feb 14, 2010 9:54:10 GMT -8
I have huge LA issues with women friends. My pattern up until my POA was to play out my issues in my friendships and at work.
I'm avoidant with women too. I've been the one who is the "strong" one and gets overwhelmed by them talking so I back off, but the underlying addiction has been there because I have stayed and have been frightened of my LA friends and they have looked dominant as I have been quiet and been the ear. In 2005 two very enmeshed friendships I had broke up and I swore to myself I would only have friends who were avoidant and didnt want much from me. The ending of those friendships was so painful I pretty much gave up on having anyone with any degree of love addiction in my life.
In recovery I do have friends who are LAs and of course, all the patterns are still there. I'm with healthier recovering addicts, but the patterns are still the same only not so toxic and not so extreme. It's hard to deal with this stuff in friendships for me.
I just had a long conversation with an LA friend who was complaining that her partner won't listen to her but she won't listen to him either and the reason for that is that he talks about stuff that is boring. And I said to her "your stuff probably sounds very boring to him too, but someone has to start listening. Make yourself listen to him. Show him you're willing. If he's worth it, then he'll do the same. You need to learn to listen to stuff in a relationship that isn't always interesting and you have to also learn to stop expecting perfect care from the other person when you're not actually willing to offer anything in return" and as usual when I'm saying something like that, I need to practice that kind of thing in my relationships too. I don't ask for enough listening. I can't expect LAs to know how to listen to an avoidant. When I was love addicted to my POA I didn't listen to a word he said or asked him anything about his life. I just talked about me, and I loved it. So I need to ask for more, and that's hard for me. P.
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Post by miztex on Feb 17, 2010 18:18:21 GMT -8
My mother in law was the world's worst toxic relationship of all time. Lady was nuts. My husband says the best thing we ever did was cut her out of our lives. Much better now.
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Post by geedee on Feb 18, 2010 1:22:28 GMT -8
miztex,
the most toxic relationship I have is with another of my sisters in law. the first time i met her 26 years ago i could feel her toxicity. She has always been deliberately sarcastic towards me and hurt my feelings time and time again. I don't react but bottle my feelings up until I'm away from her. I used to break down every time I saw her.
we have been 'friends' ha! on and off throughout the years but it's pointless. She triggers me so negatively that she makes me hate myself. I just have to avoid her as much as I possibly can.
luckily I'm hardly affected by her at all these days because I have very strong boundaries with her. hello and goodbye is about as much as I can manage! LOL
greta
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