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Post by serenity on Nov 24, 2009 15:23:49 GMT -8
Part of my problem is the technology of today---not only did I become addicted to the last relationship (such as it was), I became addicted to the WAY we communicated, which is something I had never experienced before. We were long distance, so it was emails, texts (and phone calls - but mostly text and email). I did know him in person too – he wasn’t a stranger.
But for me, the relationship was never about HIM – it was about MY need for validation and wanting love and all of that.
I work all day long at a computer, so we’d shoot off at least a dozen of emails per day, and then turn to texting in the evenings. I have to say that I preferred the emails/texts over in -person talking. Sad as this is, I honestly didn’t even really like HIM as a person. So, in my head I could make him into the 'person I wanted him to be’…and keep myself at a safe emotional distance by texting and emailing and thus live in a fantasy. Talking on the phone was not as satisfying as it wouldn’t fit with my fantasy. People can seem very different over email than they are in person.
Anyway, as with even my previous in person relationships, I became addicted to it all.
At first my NEED was fulfilled by him – he sent me messages all of the time…and as time passed, I became more anxious to receive them, esp when in the messages he said he ‘wanted me’ or expressed feelings or caring (which was NOT often – and NEVER true). Anyway, over time it got to the point that just receiving an email from him gave me the fix. It didn’t even matter what he said in it…was a HUGE pull for me. If I didn’t get one for over a day or so, I’d email him (perhaps many) JUST to get a response, ANY response (while still pining and hoping that he still wanted me).
The hardest part about all of this when it ended at first was to be able to be at my computer and not email him, or to have my phone with me and not shoot off a text. That was the first hardest step and I failed it many times. Each time, it just brought me back to the initial pain.
It’s been many months now (NC for over 10 months) and after much self-discovery, self-reflection (why am I like this and how did I become this way) and much effort and work on myself, I do not want to contact him except in times of stress or loneliness. I have worked on myself quite a bit in order to learn how to be alone without being lonely, and to fulfill my own needs, however, he is still in my thoughts daily…but that is the addiction, right? Like an alcoholic thinks about the ‘drink’ every day.
I UNDERSTAND (finally) what I am doing and why I crave it, I just need to NOT do it EVER. And I also need to make sure that I don’t let myself become addicted to anyone else ever again. I don’t want to transfer this problem onto another person and thus repeat the same painful patterns.
Joining this group is how I hope to stay ‘clean’. This is the first place I have opened up about any of this to people other than myself. I have mentioned it a LITTLE BIT to close friends but not to this extent because I don’t know if they would truly understand. Thanks for reading…
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Post by serenity on Nov 24, 2009 15:46:50 GMT -8
Thanks Greta...it helps so much to know that someone else has gone through the same scenario and made it to the other side. I agree with you 100% about having a 'healthy' connection with the online world out there... as it was the internet (groups/people such as this) that helped me to finally understand my problem...and to get help. I'm so glad to hear that you are better and that there is hope for me too!  |
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Post by Rilly on Nov 24, 2009 15:59:06 GMT -8
Hi Serenity,
I remember a POA many years ago that exchanged emails with me over several months. I was astonished one day when I noticed that I had not deleted any of them... and there were over 700 message in my Inbox from her... and about the same number in my Outbox. With my last POA the same thing happened, only it was much more than that. The time I would spend each day exchanging those emails was... well... a lot! Now it is about 15 months since my last email to my last POA.... and I don't miss it at all. I hadn't thought about it much until I saw your post.
I believe that over time things will improve for you. We are here to help. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings. We do care.
Rilly
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Post by primrose on Jan 22, 2010 2:59:11 GMT -8
Well, that's my story too in a nut shell as my POA lives on the other side of the world. So I knew from day one "this is not actually about him, this is about my need for attention/love/reassurance" he in reality was not what I wanted at all. I once head a woman in slaa say she finally went on a date with a guy she'd obsessed about, he was a huge disappointment and when at the end of the night he got out of the cab she turned away so as not to kiss him, and the moment he was out of the cab, she was in obsession about him again. Ha! I related! Mad stuff.
It was never really about my POA for me, and the fact that it was a technological relationship for me proved it, I just needed an audience, a place for all my feelings, and he provided that for me, of course I got addicted to the fantasy of finally being truly heard and validated. No wonder finding this place to write has made me feel so much better! Primrose.
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Post by primrose on Jan 22, 2010 3:52:50 GMT -8
Very helpful to me that we are! The last time I saw my POA I couldn't get away fast enough. Kissed him awkwardly and made a bolt for it. That LOVELY feeling of "thank god I'm done with that" cut to three days later I'm in withdrawal and can't stop texting... oh well. Am v v happy and grateful to have found you and this site. Is making a big difference to my recovery, can feel it. Thank you Primrose. |
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Post by primrose on Jan 22, 2010 4:31:28 GMT -8
You never know am open to belief if it comes. I think focusing on the love addiction on line is just amazingly helpful, because I was so addicted to writing to my POA. So it's the classic substitution method and it's giving me a lot of relief. I wish id found this in the first stages of withdrawal. In slaa you make 4 calls a day in the first thirty days, and that's great for some people, but for me I could have done with this. Ah well, at least I've found it now and it's helping so much. Primrose. |
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Post by primrose on Jan 22, 2010 5:16:10 GMT -8
Think you're doing great Greta. I really take my hat off to you. Shows how powerful this place is that you're so well so quickly, and obviously that you're working it. Xx
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Post by primrose on Jan 27, 2010 2:57:42 GMT -8
Relate to that! Feelings can be so overwhelming and doing what's right can seem very small and unimportant when I compare that to my feelings at times.
My POA just kept reinforcing his view of morality on me. And I was so used to that as my father's views were extreme and powerfully enforced when I was a child.
I realise how much the women in my family put their husbands in the place of god, it used to make me so angry as a girl and I used to rebel against it and I promised myself I would never be a doormat. But that conditioning runs deep, and my POA was my god (how's that for a mindtrip, an atheist but I still found myself a god) how can you say no to your god? Well I couldn't because emotionally I was still that adoring child unable to say no to my father as he crossed every boundary I had and never let me see that he was wrong. He was god, how could he be wrong? God is never wrong.
Phew, it's exhausting at times to recover, but am grateful that we are. Primrose.
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Post by primrose on Jan 27, 2010 3:42:53 GMT -8
Big hug honey, sounds very hard. Am happy for your husband, just read his scan is clear, yay! But really lol for you with being so needy. I really understand. Primrose.
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Post by newborn on Jan 27, 2010 4:11:05 GMT -8
Wow! I've never seen this thread before. Serenity's description of her LDR was my experience also. My POA lives on the other side of the world, and our communication existed through e-mails, skype, and texting. I'm constantly amazed how similar our experiences are. It's nice to not be alone. |
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Post by primrose on Jan 27, 2010 4:43:14 GMT -8
Hi newborn, amazing how similar that experience is. And it showed me how avoidant I am, even in my love addiction. Hey I could hardly fool myself that I wanted someone available if the only time I was unfaithful in my marriage was with someone who lives 10,000 miles away!!! My POA was all in my head really. Can see how the longing isn't about him at all, it's my longing. Extraordinary, but I've heard of people falling in love with avatars in games so think that's pretty much the same thing. Primrose.
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Post by primrose on Jan 27, 2010 5:56:38 GMT -8
lol! My therapist once asked me how I'd feel if my POA was throwing stones at my window and sleeping in his car outside my house at night and really wanted me. I curled up my lip in disgust. And my POA said to me once "well we don't want to carry on here, we'd have two divorces" and I nearly laughed in his face, the very idea that i'd leave my marriage, what a joke. But all that contempt (my favourite defense) meant nothing. The power of my addiction and obsession was so strong. His unavailability kept me hooked so intensely. Phew, I need a picture of a phantom lover too I think, going to check out that avatar  Primrose. |
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vee25
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Post by vee25 on Jan 29, 2010 8:20:53 GMT -8
I'm so glad to have found such awareness and compassion here. I am addicited to checking this board and daily strength but since posting here this is my main addiction and like some have said, its the only place i wanted to be addicted on the internet.
I've stopped looking at facebook as that is where my ex acted out flirting with other women and i'm an addictive person so i don't want to get addicted there like i used to be.
I felt silly earlier when i said to myself God is my only protector as i thought i was still looking for someone to fix me but its true isn't it, God is our only protector and i love him so much.
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Post by miztex on Feb 11, 2010 19:20:48 GMT -8
I, too, was in a long distance relationship. Wow! I remember feeling so alone and now I come here and find a bunch of people like me. I tried reading advice online about long distance relationships, but it wasn't about LA long distance relationships and so it didn't apply to me. The advice was so hokey; about having regularly scheduled times to talk and trying to see each other once a month at least. PUH_LEEEAAASSE!!! My POA totally ran my life schedule like a drill sarge. I called him ONLY when he said to. AND HE NEVER CALLED ME! He expected this behavior because I allowed it. I was miserable, feeling like he was my puppetmaster and had me on strings. He was so detached and aloof, that any slight show of withdrawal of interest would send me off the deep end. I would do ANYTHING for a fix. And the fixes I got were less and less satisfying. I remember thinking "I am getting a fix like a junky when I call him, but it doesn't satisfy me anymore. It feels like he's watering my drinks or my syringe to "weaken" the drug fix. "
I completely crossed over my boundaries when he got S&M sick with me. I had no desires like that at ALL, but I started thinking about it because HE wanted it(on the phone). I actually acted out one "drama" on the phone with him. Afterwards, I felt slimy. I KNEW he didn't know or want the "real" me, because she don't go there! He, of course, loved it. (I have a vivid imagination and I am an excellent storyteller by profession.) I didn't want that. I wanted in person romantic sex. I never got satisfied in person. He couldn't; didn't know how. My libido was going crazy. He teased me with promises of "more" later.
Boy, I REALLY went addict nuts over that. I kept trying to plan ways to go see him. Thank GOD he lived so far away. The only way there was by 6 hr. car trip(my bad back) or one hour by plane. Still, I managed it three times in three months! CRAZY! H still doesn't know. I lied good and he trusted me because I had never lied to him.
I made amends to him by telling him everything except the physically unfaithful slip(only one; the others were stood up). I won't hurt him by confessing that. I will carry that burden myself for the rest of my life.
Wow! I feel better that I got THAT toxic crud out. yikes. I really was sick, wasn't I?(sad)
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 25, 2019 10:50:47 GMT -8
[Raises hand] I, too, have had POAs who were long distance, addicted via the internet.
I have to be careful when I go to websites. They don’t even have to be dating websites or known pickup websites. If I get into bantering back and forth with a man, both of us being witty and smart, it’s easy for me to think I’m falling in love when really, I’m just addicted.
In my first marriage, my H didn’t have that gift of gab; he and I had few common interests and could not have a good conversation. In hindsight, it’s obvious to me now that that’s something I need in a partner - intelligence, common interests, good conversations. I got into that marriage in the first place because I was addicted to the idea of being in a relationship. Then, I got involved in an online affair with a man (also married) who had those characteristics that my H didn’t have.
Years later, I was in a non-married, live-in, long term relationship with my present bf, L. L and I are much more compatible than my first H and I were. However, L developed some health problems which lowered his libido. My inner addict went crazy. But this time, the addiction was more cunning and baffling. I found an online support group for people whose spouses/partners had lost interest in sex. I went into it with good intentions: I wanted to improve the relationship with L. The trouble with that group is that the prevailing opinion is that a sexless marriage can’t be saved. So most of the people there were planning to leave their spouses. The ones who did, all seemed to find wonderful new partners pretty quickly.
So what did I do? Several men in that group private messaged me. Because I was starving for a fix of my drug, I had online affairs with not just one, but two men I met that way. Each of them told me he had no intention of leaving his wife.
The situation with the first man was a lot of writing erotic stories to each other. We were romantically “in love” with each other - until the second man swept me off my feet. He turned out to be something of a seductive withholder. He really gave me crumbs, but I couldn’t see that at the time. Although he told me he was staying with his wife, I moved out of the home I shared with L - hoping that my greater availability would make my POA change his mind and make our online relationship a real one. Of course that didn’t happen. I moved out, and nearly lost L (the best relationship I’ve ever had) - all for an online guy who gave me crumbs, flirted with other women, and never even met me IRL, even though I made it easy for him on two occasions.
After about 18 months of this, I gave up on the POA. Gradually, I stopped engaging with him online at all. He would occasionally contact me through the website we met on, or through Twitter - trying to flatter me and win me back. But I was really done, and stopped responding in the way he wanted. Then I stopped responding to him at all. I was going NC, although I didn’t know that’s what I was doing.
I don’t care if I never hear back from him again. I used to desperately envy his wife. Now, I feel sorry for her. He is charming, but sort of a jerk and a womanizer.
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Post by Sexlessw on Apr 26, 2019 3:53:59 GMT -8
LostKate:
Beautiful post. It's fantastic you got out of the EMA bubble - NC - No New Hurts. And most of all: Silence is always heard. Bye-bye xMM.
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Primrose.
