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Post by primrose on Jan 18, 2010 2:02:39 GMT -8
Hello everyone here, this is my first post. Oh d**n, I'm a torchbearer. Ugh. Have been in slaa for a couple of years and been NC now for 2 months after a slip, haven't seen my qualifier for 2 years. But... still carrying the torch. And I know it's not love, but the pain is still awful. So much grief comes up, usually once a month to do with my cycle. Have been doing a "cutting the psychic cord" exercise and to let that go is really awful. Really relate to being someone with a broken leg. Last night I cut the cord and sat there a tiny child weeping that there was no point connecting to my mother, there really was no point, she couldn't do it. So I'm just beginning to feel that terrible emptiness of needing to attach to her, but her not being there. And I'm wondering what to do I really am, because a phantom lover? A self-created personified Higher Power? Phew. I'm an athiest in recovery and a fake person seems, well FAKE! But obviously I need to do something and put this desperate need for attachment somewhere, or do I? Can I just take out that cord from my qualifier and feel that I had no attachment as a child, just feel it and grieve it bit by bit? I'm not sure. I'm going to carry on reading here, I've learnt a lot already, thank you! It all makes sense to me now about time not changing anything, always knew this stuff I have is timeless and that that was very weird.
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Post by geedee on Jan 18, 2010 3:24:56 GMT -8
hi primrose,
welcome to the boards. we are all here for each other. glad you are here now too.
greta
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Post by primrose on Jan 18, 2010 3:58:01 GMT -8
Thanks for the welcome Greta ;D
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Post by lotus on Jan 18, 2010 4:43:40 GMT -8
You can be an aethist and do the 12 steps. The point is to find attachment to something good and something bigger than yourself. I learned from reading "Breaking your addiction to a person" that when we are babies we have (or don't have) this "perfect connection" to our mother and the need for this connection is something we carry for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, love addicts chose another person to try to once again have this "perfect connection" and it doesn't work, because they are a person!
Connection can come from many things: spirituality, commune with nature, humanitarian causes, etc. These are all things bigger than us. You can't get this connection from people, things, or behaviors (addictions!)
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Post by primrose on Jan 18, 2010 5:24:59 GMT -8
Hi Besatt, thanks for your message. It's not been a problem for me being an atheist in recovery, I've done the steps in slaa and have a connection, and the've worked for me YAY! Haven't seen my POA for 2 years and that is a miracle I'm v grateful for. But the idea of taking my torch (didn't even understand that concept before coming here) from my POA and turning it to an invented person/personified higher power, well.... that's another thing. I can rationally see the benefit of it, but it's a new idea for me. Can see that working the programme the way I have and praying isn't enough for me though, and I work a good programme and I pray every day. I need something more as I still fall apart with grief every month round my cycle. It just comes up, and I feel like I'm back in the first days of withdrawal. It's why I started to explore stuff like psychic cord cutting and soul retreval, sounded so wacky and off the wall to me, but I know I'm just not shifting the addiction to my POA simply going NC. So despite myself, I have to admit I am a torchbearing love addict and POSSIBLY need to invent a phantom lover. Ugh, the very idea of it makes me cringe!! But my need to attach is so great because of my early abandonment, I do see that. Totally get what you say about childhood.
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