What do I want from my PoA ? | A Brighter Tomorrow

Light
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What do I want from my PoA ? May 27, 2010 9:21:49 GMT -8

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Post by Light on May 27, 2010 9:21:49 GMT -8

..It's one of those moments. It happens when I'm a bit tired, as I am now, or when I watch my beautiful myspace profile and listen to the nice music on it. I like it. I relax a little and have a pleasant time after a day of work (today, after work I even spent a couple of hours rearranging the whashing machine room, at home. I was satisfied).

Myspace is still a little triggering for me. Anyway is no more the hell it was for me one year ago, when my heart was broken anytime my PoA refused to respond to me.

I don't want to renounce to my page because I love it and I use it for my art and networking and I don't want to renounce to listen to my music there.

But sometimes the combination tiredness, music, images, memories creates a languor and those strange ideas come again.

I have fantasized about making him a friendship request, I'm ashamed to write it, but I must say the truth.

The truth is that I broke no contact last week, after 6 months n/c and now I have to suffer a little the consequences. I knew the time of craving would have come again. I think it will always come, maybe rarely, but it will come.
Anyway now I can control it. I pray, I post here, I do something else, I reflect about the compulsion itself.

Today I'm wondering : what exaclty do I want from my PoA?

I guess I have to find the answer or the answers to this question because what I want I have to find in myself.

It's like if I want to figuratively feed with my PoA.
It's like if I'm "thirsting" for him.
I want him to know me, to know who I am.
I want him to make me better.
I want him to make me be happy.
I want him to save me.
I want him to look at me.
I want him to tell me nice things.
I want him to protect me.
I want him to hold my hand.
I want company.
I want intimacy.
I want identity.

I have to remember he doesn't want to talk to me and this is the reality, also I want to respect his will of not talking to me, also I want to respect myself not asking him anything.

I don't really need him in my life. My life is complete. I have love around me, I have love for myself.

But these moments still happen and I have to deal with them. I don't want to deny them. I want to control them and understand how they work, why they happen, what do I have to give myself to fill the void they rapresent.

Now that moment is passed, it was good and helpful to post here.
There are many other things in my brain that I want from my PoA but they are more complicated and I don't have time now to think about them and write them down.
But slowly I will add them to this post and I'll talk about it to my therapist.

Thank you for reading,

light

Last Edit: Jun 15, 2010 19:40:14 GMT -8 by Light

You are only as sick as your secrets

primrose
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What do I want from my PoA ? May 27, 2010 13:23:50 GMT -8

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Post by primrose on May 27, 2010 13:23:50 GMT -8

Dear Light, I don't think I can control my impulses, I don't act on them now, but they are still present (much less so than they were) but still present.

What I wanted from my POA, I have to give to myself. I can't get affirmation from outside anymore. I was wondering how you did your step 4 Light? My step 4 really helped me see what I wanted so desperately from my POA, what I wanted so desperately from my parents, and how I couldn't get what my child-self wanted from other people.

In my resentments my sponsor told me to pay very close attention to how i'd been self-seeking in my life and how I'd been dishonest. She explained to me that self-seeking means really seeking an identity through other people. She showed me that as a child my sense of self had been broken and that from that point onwards i'd just wanted people to be different from how they really were. I NEEDED them to give me a sense of identity. I had no inner sense of identity. To see that in my step 4 was very powerful. Again and again in my life when I was in pain I turned to others to take my pain away. I turned to others to tell me who I was, to show me who I was, to reflect something of my own image. Connecting all of that up in my step 4 was very helpful.

Perhaps really seeing that you don't need your POAs eyes to make you exist will help you Light. That longing you have for identity it has to come from us seeing into ourselves. It helps me to grieve not having had that in childhood. As I grieve, I heal the wound bit by bit and have less need for a man's eyes to give me meaning. Very Best. P.

Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.

Light
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What do I want from my PoA ? May 27, 2010 22:19:21 GMT -8

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Post by Light on May 27, 2010 22:19:21 GMT -8

May 27, 2010 13:23:50 GMT -8 primrose said:

Dear Light, I don't think I can control my impulses, I don't act on them now, but they are still present (much less so than they were) but still present.

What I wanted from my POA, I have to give to myself. I can't get affirmation from outside anymore. I was wondering how you did your step 4 Light? My step 4 really helped me see what I wanted so desperately from my POA, what I wanted so desperately from my parents, and how I couldn't get what my child-self wanted from other people.

In my resentments my sponsor told me to pay very close attention to how i'd been self-seeking in my life and how I'd been dishonest. She explained to me that self-seeking means really seeking an identity through other people. She showed me that as a child my sense of self had been broken and that from that point onwards i'd just wanted people to be different from how they really were. I NEEDED them to give me a sense of identity. I had no inner sense of identity. To see that in my step 4 was very powerful. Again and again in my life when I was in pain I turned to others to take my pain away. I turned to others to tell me who I was, to show me who I was, to reflect something of my own image. Connecting all of that up in my step 4 was very helpful.

Perhaps really seeing that you don't need your POAs eyes to make you exist will help you Light. That longing you have for identity it has to come from us seeing into ourselves. It helps me to grieve not having had that in childhood. As I grieve, I heal the wound bit by bit and have less need for a man's eyes to give me meaning. Very Best. P.

It is exactly what happens to me.
I want people to be different, I don't have a strong sense of identity, I know it was badly broken when I was a child.

Maybe I could do step four again, with this perspective.

Thank you for your precious advice, Primrose and for always being present!

light

You are only as sick as your secrets

Sophie's world
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What do I want from my PoA ? Jun 15, 2010 21:14:53 GMT -8

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Post by Sophie's world on Jun 15, 2010 21:14:53 GMT -8

Thank you both for sharing. Primrose it is so true, broken in the past.. looking for mirrors everywhere outside... and it is here inside.. and that peaceful... more calming and when we dare to really listen we hear our own heart, inner voice and intuition, our true identity... pure Love..
But still these cravings in empty fearful moments, when we are to restless to sit with oneself and go within, the craving for connection with others, especially men, to tell us who we are, that we are Loved, creeps in... but no one can ever tell, really tell, even if they try or wish, our mirror has been broken, and only we can glue it with selflove.

I feel lonely,

Sophie

In gratitude to you all, for holding the space and being a mirror..

lovely1
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What do I want from my PoA ? Jan 12, 2011 9:29:44 GMT -8

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Post by lovely1 on Jan 12, 2011 9:29:44 GMT -8

What I wanted from my POA was to share my thoughts about the world, literature, life situations, movies etc. The kicker is that before I met him--as a born introvert--I was not all that interested in sharing. The thought never really occurred to me to share until the POA began to show a keen interest in finding out who I was inside, and I subsequently became addicted to his interest.

This was back in the mid 90s before the internet really got jumping. When everyone got on the internet, I joined lots of groups. If I wanted to discuss something I learned that instead of spending an hour composing an email for the POA--which had a 70-30 chance of being ignored, it was better to post to one of my many groups. It took me years to learn this.

Over time I began to realize that I could have my sharing need met very easily with people who would most likely answer me or if they didn't my iimagination would not run wild thinking it was because I was an awful person. While I continued to carry the torch for years, I knew full well that talking to other people was much better than communicating with the POA.

Still there are times when I read a great line in a book and I want to share it with him. This happens about 2 or 3 times a year. What I've started to do is to keep a list of memorable quotes which I keep for myself and share with no one--especially NOT the POA who does not deserve any peice of what I consider a precious treasure. Great lines are not easy to come by afterall.