Why are we addicted to who were are addicted to?

Well, I've been doing a ton of reading lately over on baggage reclaim and while this is not new knowledge for me at all, it's been helpful in that Natalie takes a tough love, spare no words approach to my patterns with emotionally unavailable men and dysfunctional relationships. Here's a good blog post of hers on the Florence Nightengale syndrome, women like me who are attracted to The Walking Wounded:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-women-that-fixhealhelp-and-empathy-vs-sympathy/

"Trying to fix/heal/help someone as a mode of relationship removes their power. You assume that you are the solution to their problem(s) and that because you have decided that you love them and that you want to be with them, that they should be receptive to whatever you have to offer.

You’re trying to solve someone else’s problems. You’re assuming that you have that great a power that they should be able to transform and change under the glow of your love and your presence.

You’re trying to be bigger than the problem – choose me instead of drink/sex/drugs/being a narcissist or whatever their issue is. It’s the ultimate validation – not only having someone make you the exception to their rule of behaviour, but ‘overcoming’ a serious issue because they met you and you became the solution."

Another good one:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/i-can-change-him-syndromefixer-uppers/

For me, it's about fantasy, "betting on potential" instead of the present reality, CONTROL, my own Wounded Healer archetype. She touches a lot of my key motivations in that post, along with her posts about letting go of the desire to be his "Exception". For me it stems from childhood "attachment hunger" and early early attempts to be validated and loved by people who did not have the capacity, or interest, in loving me the way I needed/wanted. There's so much to it, and mainstream Codependency books are full of insight. You might look up Jacquelyn Small's work on Codependency. Hope this helps!

Great post Lulu! You described caretaking or being a "fixer upper" to a "T". I didn't realize that that was/is my underlying motivation behind choosing the men I did in my past. Their "drug of choice" was different but they had one thing in common: they were broken in some way & I "wanted" to fix them up & make them mine. I also chose them because they "seemed" safe; since they are "broken", no one else really wants them anyway so there won't be much competition for them. My self-esteem is so low that I feel I can only hold on to a man who was essentially "trash". Any man in "good" condition was much too good for me. How sad!

Personally, I feel it is that we repeat familiar patterns. Even if the familiar patterns are unhealthy ones. My personal experiences have proven time and time again to be the one giving until it hurts.

I like to think it is because I am a kind, nice, nurturing person. However when I search for a deeper motive I find that it is the worthiness that I have felt from childhood. If I could only be better at ( fill in the blank) then I would be good enough. Good enough to be loved and accepted. I could only gain acceptance when I did something very good or what I was told.

This is why I am here... I am trying to learn new patterns.

"I'm over that . . .I am learning and feeling quite differently now . . .I am looking towards a brighter & better future...."

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Keep thinking that way... it will be!