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Post by thaze72 on Jun 28, 2010 20:24:00 GMT -8
Going through recovery right now..... a thought occurred to me... actually one of my POA's asked me, but I never really thought about it til now. He asked if I had ever asked myself why I always fall in love with alcoholics. (I myself am not a drinker). It got me wondering..... Why not a gambler or over eater or work-a-holic? Why ALWAYS alcoholics? Any suggestions?
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lulu22
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by lulu22 on Jun 29, 2010 6:02:50 GMT -8
Well, I've been doing a ton of reading lately over on baggage reclaim and while this is not new knowledge for me at all, it's been helpful in that Natalie takes a tough love, spare no words approach to my patterns with emotionally unavailable men and dysfunctional relationships. Here's a good blog post of hers on the Florence Nightengale syndrome, women like me who are attracted to The Walking Wounded: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-women-that-fixhealhelp-and-empathy-vs-sympathy/"Trying to fix/heal/help someone as a mode of relationship removes their power. You assume that you are the solution to their problem(s) and that because you have decided that you love them and that you want to be with them, that they should be receptive to whatever you have to offer. You’re trying to solve someone else’s problems. You’re assuming that you have that great a power that they should be able to transform and change under the glow of your love and your presence. You’re trying to be bigger than the problem – choose me instead of drink/sex/drugs/being a narcissist or whatever their issue is. It’s the ultimate validation – not only having someone make you the exception to their rule of behaviour, but ‘overcoming’ a serious issue because they met you and you became the solution." Another good one: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/i-can-change-him-syndromefixer-uppers/For me, it's about fantasy, "betting on potential" instead of the present reality, CONTROL, my own Wounded Healer archetype. She touches a lot of my key motivations in that post, along with her posts about letting go of the desire to be his "Exception". For me it stems from childhood "attachment hunger" and early early attempts to be validated and loved by people who did not have the capacity, or interest, in loving me the way I needed/wanted. There's so much to it, and mainstream Codependency books are full of insight. You might look up Jacquelyn Small's work on Codependency. Hope this helps!
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Post by lonely1 on Jul 8, 2010 8:14:47 GMT -8
Lulu provided a great source of info as to the codependent....we (yes, I AM one) depend on a dependent person.... Why booze instead of some other dependency ? . . .I beleive it ties back to our youth . . .something we saw but were way too young to 'understand' . . .we may have seen a family member (parent) addicted to booze, the other parent always there to help the drunhk,,,clean up for work, make excuses for absence, etc . .we, as toddlers to adolescent, learn in the 'monkey see- monkey do' manner.... . . ."oh, this is the way a mom and dad should be,,,,one drunk , the other the rescuer" . . .as we form relationships, we find a relationship with a non-dependent person is, well it's ok....maybe we feel a bit useless....ahhhh, we let the relationship fizz out.... Then we happen to cross paths with a dependent person.....wow...this feels like the way life should be....I can help, I can rescue, I can feel important, I can feel of value....wow I love this person....we are most likely addicted to the euphoria of finally being the Knight In Shining Armour . . . . This behavoir pattern can be changed...but only by you,,,,and only when you are ready....
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Post by Free at Last on Sept 19, 2010 22:35:37 GMT -8
Great post Lulu! You described caretaking or being a "fixer upper" to a "T". I didn't realize that that was/is my underlying motivation behind choosing the men I did in my past. Their "drug of choice" was different but they had one thing in common: they were broken in some way & I "wanted" to fix them up & make them mine. I also chose them because they "seemed" safe; since they are "broken", no one else really wants them anyway so there won't be much competition for them. My self-esteem is so low that I feel I can only hold on to a man who was essentially "trash". Any man in "good" condition was much too good for me. How sad!
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 20, 2010 11:06:16 GMT -8
wow,
Well I'm not sure about why only alcoholics, perhaps what lonely1 said is it, but this post has surely shed light on my situation & dating history. I have always been attracted to men who had a problem in some way. You guys are so right, I loved feeling needed & without that feeling, i felt i had no use in the relationship.
I am very encouraging to others & often used this to my advantage in relationships, i knew guys loved the way i could make them feel about themself---but now i am trying so hard to end this cycle, to feel better about myself so i can start to date my ideal man--which is the exact opposite of the men i have been with.
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Post by coping on Sept 20, 2010 18:45:27 GMT -8
Personally, I feel it is that we repeat familiar patterns. Even if the familiar patterns are unhealthy ones. My personal experiences have proven time and time again to be the one giving until it hurts.
I like to think it is because I am a kind, nice, nurturing person. However when I search for a deeper motive I find that it is the worthiness that I have felt from childhood. If I could only be better at ( fill in the blank) then I would be good enough. Good enough to be loved and accepted. I could only gain acceptance when I did something very good or what I was told.
This is why I am here... I am trying to learn new patterns.
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Post by lonely1 on Sept 21, 2010 7:52:34 GMT -8
No better words describe what i was, and am recovering from : (a slight 'tweak' from Freeatlast's words)
They were broken in some way & I "wanted" to fix them up & make them mine. I also chose them because they "seemed" safe; since they are "broken", no one else really wants them anyway so there won't be much competition for them. My self-esteem is so low that I feel I can only hold on to a girl who was essentially "not good enough for better than me". Any girl in "good" condition was better than what i feel I deserved.
I'm over that . . .I am learning and feeling quite differently now . . .I am looking towards a brighter & better future....
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Post by coping on Sept 21, 2010 8:01:25 GMT -8
"I'm over that . . .I am learning and feeling quite differently now . . .I am looking towards a brighter & better future...."
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Keep thinking that way... it will be!
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Post by lonely1 on Sept 28, 2010 8:41:01 GMT -8
Thank You so very much I am in a relationship with a wonderful lady that is not broken or in need of repair. It took a lot of soul searching to 'accept' that this wonderful relationship does not require my skills, money, material . . . the lady only wants . . me. At the beginning I felt so unworthy of her.... . . .it is my plan for her and I to be 'we', forever
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