maybe
Junior Member
Posts: 95
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Post by maybe on Jul 31, 2010 6:39:36 GMT -8
it is so repulsive for me right now to see my attibutes a codependent person. i feel like i can't stand that anymore. i grew up with 2 codpendet parents who put each pther and us through hell.
i am tired of bein the one who always put other people first and always trying to please them so they don't reject me, i am tired of remaining scarce and unseen just to make others happy and in the center of attention, tired of needing other people's aproval, of being needy, of having a hard time doing and wanting things for myself, having self-defeating behaviours, masking my feeling to avoid confrontation, being th "good girl" who never gets upset and never expresses anger, of feeling inferior and having to justify my being... being insecure and not trusting myself and my gut feelings...
feeling overly guilty, taking too much responsabilty... and the inventory goes on.
i just want to be free and ask god to remove those charachter defects...
i hate being the sucker. obidient victim. i want freedom.
anyone relates? thank you may
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oldendances
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
"Go Placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"
Posts: 228
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Post by oldendances on Jul 31, 2010 15:31:37 GMT -8
Hello Fellow Enabler,
I fit your description, always in the background trying to please.
My sister is the opposite from me, very strong. She has watched my struggles through the years. I finally admitted to her that I realized I was a love addict and an enabler. She told me that that word has too much negativity connected to it.
She told me that persons like us also tend to have an overabundance of empathy. We can really feel another person's need. We will place other's needs above our own. Sometimes it is to please and be liked. Often it is more.
I have seen other people post here about wanting to help others, and often feeling helpless. They are concerned about poor people, homeless children, animals etc. The world needs people who care. We here need to learn to set limits so that we protect ourselves.
Please see that what you are is also beautiful. If everyone was a giver, imagine how nice the world would be. I would not want to not care about others, and be a user.
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Post by lonely1 on Aug 4, 2010 8:36:54 GMT -8
Caring for and about others is not a problem . . .
It is "why" we do that . . .
To care because it's the right thing to do . . .is quite correct / Christian / humane, etc.
To care for others so we: - avoid facing ourselves - derive a sense of purpose - derive a sense of value - "earn" the friendship that follows caring is a 'not good' position.
You can recover, you can change, you can take your future where you want it.
Recovery is not 'one pill - done', it is a growing , learning, discovery process....
Not directing you away from this board (please stay, LA / SA / RA are manifistations of CoDep behavior ) , but add CoDA . . .serch the I'net....
It does work !
After decades of donating my life, money, tools, time, etc, etc so I could feel like I'm worth a tinker's darn... I've learned that it's OK to gentely offer help, and if it's not accepted it doesn't mean WE are not wanted....maybe the other person just wants to tackle their problem....
Hang in there . . .you can change . . .when you're ready . . .
not lonely 1 anymore
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 4, 2010 9:31:20 GMT -8
maybe,
You're in luck. CO-dependency is fairly easy to correct. One of the biggest lies we (co-dependents) tell ourselves to go on being co-dependent is that our actions and our perpetual help of others makes us ALTRUISTIC. It means that we care about the world and like to help people. And while many of us do have a great amount of sympathy for those who suffer, we are NOT being altruistic by helping others, if we do it to be taken care of in exchange, or if we do it in hopes of changing the other.
Learn the difference between selfish behavior, narcissistic behavior, selfless behavior and truly altruistic behavior. Know too that most of the people we want to take care of are ADULTS. They are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
Bottom line: If your help of others interferes with your own growth, then you need to step back and stop helping.
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Post by candee on Aug 5, 2010 2:42:24 GMT -8
There is growth in this department.I have attained some sort of balance in helping others.I still feel the guilt,etc.Its liberating and there is so much time left to do things for myself.
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Post by lonely1 on Aug 5, 2010 8:38:36 GMT -8
Not wanting to 'argue' perse, but I take difference with telmita's " . . ..farily easy...."
recovery ease & rate will be tied to how deeply ingrained are our disbaliefs in self . . .the relationship we are in and can't seem to get out of...how supportive are those around us.
"my" experience . . .drying up was easier...I had an epiphany and basically just stopped. My revovery in CoDep....is like trying to quit smoking . ..while still married to a smoker....slow, tough, lots of backslide...but I am making great progress....
But like any journey . . .starts with first step . . .and continues one foot in front of the other . . .
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 5, 2010 12:07:26 GMT -8
lonely1, you're so right. Change, recovery and progress is all relative. It depends on the individual. WHat I guess I meant was in the big scheme of things, statistically, co-dependency is easier to overcome than say narcissism or addiction to a person or food. Nonetheless, it's HARD WORK and takes lots of perseverance and support.
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Post by lonely1 on Aug 9, 2010 8:24:11 GMT -8
Something else about recovery & being CoDep that 'sucks . . .
When something nice, really really nice , happens, . . I get 'concerned' shall I say . . .
. ."Wow, this is great....what did I do to deserve this?"
If I can't figure out what I've done to deserve, then I get concernd it will go away . ."oops, life gave the prize to wrong person (me), life will take it back"
Life awarded me a wonderful prize . . .it took me a long time to realize "I deserved just because", "don't have to EARN " . . .
I feel I almost lost the prize . . .as in didn't beleive it was real . . . . .and when the prize is love . . . and you show signs of doubt . . . . . you just might loose it . . . . . . because you offended the person away.
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Post by EmoUnavail on Aug 9, 2010 10:37:19 GMT -8
I could not agree with you guys more. I have been COD for so many years, i am now faced with trying to change into something i am completely unfamiliar with and the threat of losing the only person i have come to know.
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Post by lonely1 on Aug 10, 2010 7:59:01 GMT -8
Dear EmoUn . . .
Yes, it is unfamiliar terratory . . .'to me', like walking into a darkened room. . . .fearful of walking into something...hurting my self...breaking whatever I walked into....
But just like walking into a darkend room....after a while, the eyes (of the heart & soul) obtained their night vision....so awesome the view illuminated by the moon & stars of friendship & love.
> threat of losing the only person i have come to know
Referring to the "you that you know", you will find that you will like the new you so much more and so will everyone else . . .
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Post by EmoUnavail on Aug 10, 2010 10:32:44 GMT -8
Thanks lonely ...
Its so scary that at this point in my life i am understanding the whole codependency thing. I almost cried when i realized how much i fit into that bucket. I hate myself and i that i am so "defined" in that way. I am reading so much to try and change myself but it feels so hopeless right now. I have no doubt that my CoDeependency led my to my EMA, the relationship with my POA and the complete loss of control and power that followed. I keep asking myself "how could i have not seen this" How was i so naive .... and i have Zero answers.
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Post by lonely1 on Aug 11, 2010 8:47:34 GMT -8
The 'answers' will come in time . . . . .as you work your way thru CoDependency, the 'whys' will slowly become apparent; the 'solution will too. patience, brother, patience . . it takes time for the eyes (of the heart & soul) to obtain their night vision . . .you will find your way to the doorway of freedom & happiness.
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Post by runrunrun on Aug 14, 2010 3:11:49 GMT -8
May, thanks for starting this thread. I can relate to all the posts here. Instead of growing up with 2 codep parents I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents. Result was a codependent me.
"She told me that persons like us also tend to have an overabundance of empathy. We can really feel another person's need. We will place other's needs above our own. Sometimes it is to please and be liked. Often it is more."
I agree with this. I truely do care. I just dont know when I am caring too much or helping too much. I am taking on a new motto. 'I am not going to do for others what they can do for themselves.'
I run a kayak club and get asked to do so many things for members that they can just as easily do for themselves. The codependent in me would normally go out of my way and give them what they want. The healing me now will just point them in the right direction to get them going finding their answers.
I too look at the traits and read the posts and think 'yep thats me' but instead of beating myself up about it I think 'well at least now I know and have some tools to correct it'.
recovery recovery recovery!
runrunrun
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Post by lonely1 on Aug 23, 2010 8:22:54 GMT -8
Run^3
Your are making progress !!!
I fel I am to, I can also feel the occasional 'slips': run to help someone before they even know they need help :-)
Now that my grandson is back with daddy (with me for 2 yr), I can say, from experience, having an 6, then 7, then 8 yr old around made recovery extremely difficult....kids can play " helpless" so well....darn kid learned me in seconds and had me wrapped around his finger (I think much like my kids,,,and maybe even the spouse....) I guess to be more correct : I allowed my self to be wrapped....
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Post by runrunrun on Aug 25, 2010 12:50:18 GMT -8
Lonely1, but I can feel how that would easily be done being a grandkid and all.
I think knowing what we are facing is half the battle. Now that I got me figured out I can at least take steps to correct me. At least now that I know my issues I can find help and work on me. Not knowing was holding me back.
runrunrun
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Post by lonely1 on Aug 31, 2010 8:37:10 GMT -8
Hi there run^3,
I hope you are still progressing well . . .
I feel my live has improved . . .a lot
I very much agree . . "I know my issues I can find help and work on me. Not knowing was holding me back:
As I found the anchors, one-by-one I could address them and cut the shackles....
Later
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