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Post by runrunrun on Aug 14, 2010 3:24:51 GMT -8
Now that I recognize my codependent traits I see more relationships where I am the codependent one and the giver. I am sort of cleaning house with my friendships too. I have several friends who take and never give. Now I recognize this.
I just removed one person from my life. I was the giver big time. I gave and gave and gave. But whenever I asked for something in return all I got was excuses from her why she couldnt help me. She is very unhealthy and suffering from her own addictions. I removed her from my life. I had to do it as much as it hurt to do it. Whenever she called I literally had to set aside an hour for just listening. She could talk constantly for an hour or more about her problems. But then had no or little time to listen to me.
Now I see that I have a few more codependent friendships. Not so bad as the above one. But still I am the giver and they are the takers. One I might have to remove from my life. One might be salvageable with a good talk with her. She does offer something in return and generally is a good person. The other really offers me nothing while I give and give. Plus he is a surface person anyhow. Wont talk about anything but small talk. Not even religion or anything semi personal (like dating or feelings).
Its hard and I dont like removing people from my life. But I really want to surround myself with healthy people.
runrunrun
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 14, 2010 4:47:21 GMT -8
I don't blame you. The healthier the people you surround yourself with, the healthier YOU learn to be.
Water seeks its own level.
I ended 4 relationships when I went into recovery-- these people were parasites and I never saw it when I was sick. Birds of a feather flock together. Looking back (it's been well over a year since I ended these relationships) I am glad I did what I did. Not only that but I have very little in common with these people. OUr whole relationship was based on shared misery in bad relationships. I'm not there anymore and they are. Time to move on. I have some great memories of these people, but for the most part, I am SOOOoOOOOoOOOoOOOo happy I made the choices I did.
Stick to what you believe in and raise your standards. There's nothing wrong with that.
T
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Post by mybestme on Aug 14, 2010 9:50:20 GMT -8
I have shared this story before...when I was in my early thirties I had a friend in my life who I'd known since sixth grade (we'd met in Kindergarten). We were ying and yang. And hung out ALL the time throughout jr. high, high school and any time I was home from college.
But, there came a point when I realized she was always there for me when things were bad or hard but when I'd had successes, joys, positive things happening for me she was never around. When I got married, got engaged, got new jobs, travelled, she was always too busy to be around to be a solid part of any of it. She didn't want to hear about it, couldn't be at my bachelorette party, too busy to help, etc...
As I grew and moved to a new town, she and I remained tight but I was depending on her to be there for the rest of my life. My crutch, my anchor. But, she was talking behind my back. I tried to fix us, fix the friendship, fix the relationship but it always made me feel weak and desperate.
It transferred to my other relationships at work and with other friends. Something was off, I was accepting poor treatment from someone but was afraid there weren't any other friends like her in the world (life long, together forever) and couldn't let go. Plus I though I'd lose the other friends who were in our circle as she was a very influential type of person.
Finally, after a bad incident with her husband and a contracting job I had had enough. I called her one day and said no more. That I needed a break from her and we needed to end our friendship for a while.
It was HARD for a few months. I had to work hard on making new connections and sometimes they felt right and natural, other times they did not. It took a while. BUt then it was like my karma shifted and I started attracting all kinds of healthy and interesting people in my life. AND, I actually formed stronger and more authentic bonds with people whose friendships I thought were going to be casualties of my BFF and I breaking up.
My point is that, sometimes you cannot blossom until you cut back the stem a little. Suffer the pain and leave room for growth.
Getting rid of bad friendships is a gift to yourself.
Couldn't agree more that "water seeks its own level".
- MBM
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Post by runrunrun on Aug 15, 2010 10:27:14 GMT -8
THanks for the advice. I prayed today and spent some time with God. The message that came into my head was that it was ok to 'clean house' and remove myself from the lives of unhealthy people. Then I just now got an email from the person I removed from my life. She is trying to make me feel guilty for no longer being her friend. She is blaming things on me and using excuses such as, "I am too exhausted to help out my friends" as reasons for not being there for her friends. Which is the reason I no longer want to be her friend. I gave and gave (in my codependent way) but whenever I asked for something in return all I got was excuses why not.
Part of me wants to defend my decision. To argue back. But I know I am not going to do any good by arguing or defending myself. So I think the best response is to say, "I am sorry but this friendship isnt working out for me". Then leave it at that with no reasons why.
I am not sure. What do you all think?
All I know is I have known her for a year and its been me give and her take the whole time.
runrunrun
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Post by love on Nov 23, 2010 8:08:42 GMT -8
Interesting! I can relate so much in this particular subject! I'm glad you are doing well run3x! Keep it up! ; )
I learned something from Telmita and Mybestme too! Thanks for sharing! : )
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Post by Susy25 on Nov 23, 2010 9:44:14 GMT -8
I can relate to this SO much. When me and my POA split a few months ago I also had to cut out 2 other friendships. I saw how they were not helping me become a better person but bringing me down. When everything hit the fan with my POA they to ran and could not be there for me. Then when they had problems came running back into my life. One of those friendships I had for 10 years. But I came to realize she had been a very destructive part of my past. It made me very alone in those first weeks but I have found a few great people since then that want to help me grown and become a better me!
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Post by lacypooh on Nov 23, 2010 21:25:05 GMT -8
I'd removed every toxic relationship from my life prior to joining this site and beginning recovery. All I knew is that my life was very messed up and i knew the people in it weren't contributing anything good. I too had the friends who would talk & talk & talk for hours on end on the phone, I'd hate it, i'd zone out and sometimes place the phone down & they wouldn't even know I wasn't there because when I'd pick it back up they'd still be talking and then when I wanted to talk they'd have to go or have nothing to add, just vague responses.
I began to feel like people were just using me for my "kind heart" because I also attracted a lot of people who were going through problems & suffering from pain. I am very compassionate and hate to see others in pain, but i also hate feeling taken advantage of. So anyway, long story short, I entered in recovery without any friends except an online buddy who've i've never met who seems to have some neediness issues himself. Although I came into this virtually alone, I rather be alone then a bunch of blood thirsty snakes around, like the "friends" I'd aquirred in the recent years, but of course there are the few who I do miss.
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Post by lonely1 on Nov 24, 2010 9:06:28 GMT -8
Throughout my life, there were many relationships where the other person didn't have time for me . . .
Seemed, however, later on in life, I made time for others....and did not ask for their time....
. . not sure if it was because "Why ask, they won't"
. . .or "I don't want to burden them with my mundane problems"
. . . . . . which is a symptom of 'low self esteem' "My Problems Are Not Worth Asking for Help"
I'm working my way through it....recovery is slow, but 'serenity' does grow as recovery progresses
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Post by Susy25 on Nov 24, 2010 9:34:33 GMT -8
I had a very interesting conversation with a very close friend of mine last night. She said she doesn’t know why I do this, but the people I seem to trust the least are the ones I let walk all over me. She thinks maybe I choose bad people in my life and think if I “fix” them then they will love me more than anything. Wow! What a breakthrough that was. I would love to work on loving me for me, so I attract stable and healthy people in to my life. I am very grateful for this friend as I lost many when me and my POA split.
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 24, 2010 14:49:04 GMT -8
Its interesting how healing helps many facets of life. Just as love addiction affects many parts of life. Healing does too.
Runrunrun
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lauren
Junior Member
Posts: 68
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Post by lauren on Nov 25, 2010 21:12:33 GMT -8
Like a lot of folks, I totally relate to what you've shared.
My codependency is most marked in romantic relationships, and what drove me to CoDA. But after spending some time in meetings, reading literature and beginning to work steps, I slowly began to realize that the same codependency pervaded all my relationships. It's much more subtle in friendships, but the patterns are the same: I seek out unavailable people and/or enmesh with unhealthy people, in order to avoid loving and healthy intimacy.
I'm learning to practice my new tools (ie, creating healthy boundaries, not taking on guilt for other people's behavior, etc) on my friendships first. I'm still a looong way from being ready for a romantic relationship!
Thanks so much for sharing!
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