I've had NC with my POA for almost nine months now including indirect contact like cybersnooping. I still think about him everyday but it doesn't really affect my life too much anymore. I know torchbearers have to pass the torch, but I want to pass the torch to my husband, not a phantom lover. Things are good with hubby except for some sexual anorexia (as they call it in SLAA) lately. It seems to be the one thing blocking real intimacy with him. If I can get over my fear of sex, I wonder if thoughts of POA will go away finally. As it is now, I still get the urge to to cyberstalk, but when I get the urge I google myself instead and that seems to work for some reason.
Lotus ... this is exactly what i am trying very hard to do. If i can pass the torch to her, in theory ... it wall make all aspects of my life and family happy. That being said, we cant just fool ourselves into passing the torch to a statue. The issues that were there that led to the EMA or to the arms of your POA remain. Intimacy is a HUGE struggle, at least for me because it was SO lacking before. Now ... I think about my POA when we do come around to having sex or when i am using other forms of media to pleasure myself.
I am driving myself to reconnect, fix the communication issues within our relationship now to ensure that when i pass the torch to her, its stays with her forever and for the right reasons.
There is also no reason that you cant have your HP hold on to that torch until you are ready to commit it to someone.
I don't believe you need to pass any torch. I was a torchbearer for many years and just ended up mentally thinking about things in a different way. I certainly went from one man to another, but never again held a torch for anyone.
What is at the bottom of your sexual fears with your hubby? Did you have those same sexual fears with PoA. There's a reason for everything. You don't have fears and phobias out of the blue. Search for the answers.
Post by LovelyJune on Aug 20, 2010 10:01:57 GMT -8
I hate to add this, because he seems so counterproductive to what most people strive for (a happy, perfect marriage), BUT, keep in mind that you were probably unhealthy when you met and married your partners to begin with and that EMA arose out of a need to either get out of your marriage physically or emotionally. And why would you want to get out of a marriage? Most people have valid reasons. They simply do not love their spouses, or their spouses ignore them or treat them poorly. Whatever the case, when you RECOVER, and give up the EMA you realize that you STILL have the same problems as before the EMA. There is STILL the debilitating question of whether to save the marriage or move on. So remember to ask yourself two things when you think of reconnecting or trying to save your marriage: Am I holding onto my marriage out of fear of having no one (is my Love Addiction keeping me in this marriage?) OR do I honestly love this person because he or she is good to me and I want to be grateful for marriage?
The trouble with love addiction is that it flairs up everywhere. Not just from a PoA. But within a marriage as well. The healthier you become the clearer this idea becomes to you.
Post by EmoUnavail on Aug 20, 2010 10:06:20 GMT -8
telmita, you are absolutely right ... The I think most people have EMA's, go back to their spouse and then have EMA's again .... its bouncing back and forth between the LA and what we think is healthy (our marriage). Most times, the problems dont go away and if you do have an EMA its because there is something fundamentally wrong at home.
I think most married people will say, I love my spouse, but i am not "in love" with them ... cause the Limerance is gone.
Post by LovelyJune on Aug 20, 2010 12:33:41 GMT -8
I agree Emo, but that is all the more reason to fundamentally realize that the problem needs to be resolved from WITHIN. Passing a torch to someone else will never solve the problem. It will drag out the problem for all time. Learn methods to avoid obsessing. Learn how to place more value on healthier things than the PoA. Learn the art of thought-stopping. Build self-esteem. These are things which resolve problems.
My husband is the only person I've had a sexual relationship with and to be honest, I've had fear and avoidance about sex the whole time we've been together. It was worse when I was on the birth control pill, but there is still some issue there when I'm off it. The bottom line is that I'm afraid of intimacy for some reason (thus the escaping with fantasy relationships) and I have to figure out how to resolve that. Is my husband the one for me? Such a hard question to really know the answer too, especially when you don't have any other serious relationships to compare too. I do know that my husband is my best friend, he makes me laugh, and I have romantic and sexual feelings for him, so I think we have a good foundation.
I'm working with a therapist that deals with sexual issues; we'll see how it goes. I guess I'm afraid of the loss of control that comes with sexuality; it makes one really vulnerable. What if I enjoy sex and feel connected to my husband and he leaves me? I have to get over this subconscious fear. With POAs it was easier to have sexual feelings because it was all fantasy. As soon as it started to become real and I started to get hurt, I got out of there and moved on to the next fantasy. I've stopped the process of transferring the fantasy, so last POA is going to be stuck there for a while.
I've learned from therapy that thoughts about POA is coping mechanism that I use when I want to escape a problem. I'm witnessing it on a daily basis. I think the more I use my power to resolve issues in a healthy way, the less I'll think about POA. I guess I don't want to pass the torch on to hubby; I just want to have a passionate relationship with him.
Post by melodyrose on Aug 20, 2010 17:45:11 GMT -8
Well said Telmita..I couldn't agree more with asking yourself those questions...So many people take the path of least resistance. Thank the Lord that I'm not one of them. I'm not afraid to be alone and will not stay in a relationship that is not fullfilling to me. It's not to say I would run at any cause but I will be with my partner for the right reasons or not at all.