oldendances
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
"Go Placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"
Posts: 228
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Post by oldendances on Sept 11, 2010 18:57:00 GMT -8
Can others please post suggestions on the best ways to say "stop", or "no" or "you're crossing my boundaries" or "I don't want to date you" in ways that are easily accepted by both parties? Ways that will cause the least reprisals or hurt.
I doubt that I am the only one to struggle with this so honest suggestions would be helpful and appreciated.
It's not as easy as it should be. Some of us have been brought up to always be respectful or take care of other's feelings. I am practicing with my daughter in law to be more assertive in my personal life. I realize that I am not good at it at all.
In my professional life I can be assertive without any problem.
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Post by freedom4me on Sept 11, 2010 20:14:15 GMT -8
I learned one... I just used it the other day.
I said," I need to think about that. Let me sleep on it and I will let you know how I feel about that tomorrow.". Buys you time to give a response instead if be reactionary. Just food for thought. Smiles
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 12, 2010 6:01:55 GMT -8
Using boundaries is like learning to ride a bike. You MUST keep doing it in order to learn. At first it feels very awkward but eventually, the more you use boundaries, the better you get.
If you're looking for ways to soften a blow then always start your sentences off with "I feel..." or "I believe..." As in "I believe this relationship is not in our best interest at this time." Don't use accustory language like "You aren't my type," etc.
MOre importantly, if you're looking for reasons to use boundaries, you must first know your values. Read here--http://laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=loveintro&action=display&thread=7379
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Post by runrunrun on Sept 13, 2010 15:35:45 GMT -8
I need to come out and tell a coworker that he is crossing my boundaries. I need to just come out and say it and not beat around the bush. He is asking too personal of questions and putting his nose in my business (looking at my personal books and telling me I should not be reading them). Plus a few other things he does that does not work with me. He teases my kids. I hate that. I have a special needs kid (aspergers) who doesnt take teasing well and takes things literally. I told him point blank 'do not tease my daughter when she visits me at work today'. As she is walking into my work space he offers my 15 year old daughter a Dora the Explorer chair and says, 'here Ali have a seat'. I could have hit him right then and there.
It was a special event at my job with all the families there. My daughter sat silent and confused throughout the whole event and was eager to go home and left prior to the main event. I was angry.
I brought it up to him a week later. He offered no appologies and many excuses. And then tried to smooth things over by saying that all 3 of my kids turned out really good and saying many compliments. Thats not what I expected to hear.
So I need to come up with a way to tell him to treat me and my kids with respect and decency. No teasing. No personal questions. No looking at my personal property. Just a professional relationship like it should be. He is an older man who has some issues and sees himself as an upstanding person who everyone should love.
Any help would be appreciated. My former codependent self would just seethe inwardly and smile outwardly while putting up with it. Matter of fact I have put up with his antics for 6 years and now I have hit my tolerance level and I am trying to become more aware of my boundaries and not let someone cross them.
runrunrun
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lauren
Junior Member
Posts: 68
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Post by lauren on Sept 13, 2010 18:02:44 GMT -8
I recently had to remind an ex of a boundary I'd set, no contact. I'd told him to stop calling, texting, FBing, emailing, etc. He did for awhile, then started up again, slowly at first. I just ignored it for awhile, but then it got to the point that it felt really invasive and manipulative.
This is what I did. It was like magic and I can't believe it'd never occurred to me before. All I said was: "I need to maintain no contact; it's what I need to do to take care of myself." That's it. No more, no less. I didn't blame him, because it's ultimately not about him; it's about me taking care of myself. And I didn't (this is big for me) try to explain WHY I needed no contact, so as to reassure him and make sure he didn't feel butt-hurt and rejected. That's not my responsibility. Managing his reaction to why I don't want him in my life is not up to me. All I need to do is state my boundary. It's up to him to accept it.
And here's the beautiful thing: you can't really argue with "I need to take care of myself." In the past, I've let guys (it's always exes with me) spin all sorts of elaborate trips about why I really did need to engage with them, why I owed to it them, why they needed me, etc. What are you gonna say to "I need to take care of myself"? "No, don't"? I haven't yet dealt with someone that blatant in their dysfunction (not saying they're not out there).
It worked great---I felt good, not sucked in or guilty; I stated my boundary without engaging. And he responded: "Totally understood." It was great!
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