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Post by lacypooh on Oct 4, 2010 18:51:07 GMT -8
Tonight, after my fun dance class, I jumped in the shower. As the water streamed down my body, so did they also stream down my face...............tears. I was crying, sad, soul hurting tears. Before the shower & the tears, my mother, ( who I live with) asked how was class, i told her great , fun & takes my mind off being lonely. She said she didn't know I was lonely, for some reason that hurt more than being lonely, you live with me, but yet, you still have no clue who I am. Sidenote: I know I should move out, and I want to, but now finances are blocking that venture, but when i did have the $ i was too scared to do ANYTHING by myself, I'm surprised i was able to tie my own shoes without assistance ( lol) but seriously.I'm grateful to rid myself of toxic friendships & relationships, but being alone, actually no one else around brings me the worse kind of pain, the typa pain I've been trying to avoid by keeping people around, even when i knew they were bad for me.
So as i cried, my HP reminded me that I may feel alone, but this is just temporary & something I need. I need this time to develop a sense of who I am, to let the inner me, the litle girl who's been hiding away come out. If he allows a bunch of people distracting me, like before, i'll be right back where i started, but worse. So knowing that this loneliness is temporary, I feel some sense of peace--- i know I need to learn to be alone , because I've never been to my self before. I must break being codependent. I must learn who I am, what I like, what I don't like. And stand strong on my own. Tomorrow, I must make myself drive 30 minutes to a local CoDa class, I must do this. I need to do it, I want to do it, but...I'm afraid I won't do it. We will see........................
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 5, 2010 8:39:04 GMT -8
Today is better! I stayed up to 4 am researching some things on the internet. This was very helpful to me and gives me more of a reason to over come co-dependency. Being co-dependent has destroyed my life in many key areas. The loneliness of recovery is severe for me, but I rather endure this pain then that of being tortured by loving an unaivalable person or enduring an emotional abusive "friend". Equating chaos as love is a very , very, very unhealthy trait, and hard to break, but I CANDO IT. ......as i continue to forcefully put myself out there & keep working on my self esteem, self respect & worth, i will begin to find new, healthy relationships. These things I'm saying may be redundant, but sometime si have to keep telling myself that this phase of recovery is worth it.
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 5, 2010 8:51:40 GMT -8
Thank you , that simple statement that I seem to be on a good path was very encouraging to me. The CoDa class is tonight, I do plan on going, it's way out of my comfort zone, which is probably the main reason I need to go !
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 5, 2010 9:04:40 GMT -8
prettywingz,
You wrote : " . . .but I CAN DO IT."
and I say "You dang right you can !"
If this ol 62 year old poop can do it, You Can Do It !!!!!
You know what I have 'experienced'
Being by ones self is not half as lonely
as
being lonely when your with someone that is physically present & emotionally distant !!!!!
(i.e. sleeps in own bedroon , doesn't share kisses & hugs, etc , and won't talk about why & how to fix)
When you are by youself....if you are lonely...it is up to you, and you alone, to take care of that feeling. TV, radio, book, knitting , dance class... your choice
When you are with someone, you (me too) rely on the other person to help fill the loneliness void . . .and if they don't, our lonliness gets worse ....and if they get in the way of us handling our lonliness, resentment and anger soon follows.
You Can Do It . . .exercise those PrettyWingz an fly girl , fly to your new and better future !
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 5, 2010 9:11:35 GMT -8
Lonely...I love it! You are absolutely right about everything you said here. especially about relying on the other person to help fill the loneliness. I can't tell ya how many times I've been in a room full of people, loves ones, friends, boyfriend , etc and still felt lonely, more empty. This empty/lonely feeling usually only happens with others around when they genuinely love me. I know, that's weird, but as another poster stated on a different post, I am used to drama, being alone and discovering healthy habbits is actually quite peaceful, which is weird and uncomfortable. I will keep working on not feeling odd about this stage of where I am in life, ...and kudos to you for taking charge of your life, some feel that once they get a certain age there is "no use" in trying to change anything.
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 5, 2010 9:28:53 GMT -8
I am also using this post to comment on my feelings regarding this without constantly starting a new thread, so bare with me .
When i met my narcissist POA, I was very confident in myself & completely unaware of any insecurities or 'flaws". This confidence came from overwhelming attention from the oposite sex, the attention I didn't get from then in school. I alsoo had many associates (thought they were friends at the time) but the point is that my life was very full. My POA pulled me into the most passionate & intense courtship I had ever experienced. I fell in love w/him through friendship before we ever became anything more, but I did not see him as a potential mate, so i kept him as a side line guy. ( horrible, i know) Anyway, after physical intimacy, i was completely hooked---so many unhealthy reasons 4 this though, mainly guilt, but also from a soul tie.
When he pulled away emotionally & whirwind of emotional tug of war, i was left shell shocked, I was unsure of myself, unsure of everything, the confidence i once had was completely gone, I was timid, insecure and severely depressed. This all happened months after losing my over indulgent father, so it was even harder for me to bear.
I must openly say to myself that this man took a piece of my soul, abused and battered it. It took me years to recover, but I hadn't really recovered, I just went on with life. I was left with feeling severely insecure, what little self esteem I did have before him was basically depleted. Confidence? What's that? I didn't even let go of him, I was forced ( by his marriage) to move on. And I did so, for three years, even with him emailing me( he would have kept calling had I not changed my number).........
But, in June, I caved, i gave in, he left me his number in my email & I used it.
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 5, 2010 9:42:33 GMT -8
I had no intention of getting back w/ him, or friends with benefits. When i was the most emeshed with him, he would stalk my dreams. As i said, I had a soul tie to him, so i could sense things going on in his life without being in contact with him. I could sense when he got his then gf/now wife( or ex?, depending on his lies) pregnant, i could sense when he was something wasn't right in his life. I could literally feel him. So i think me giving in was a combination of entitlement. I felt entiled to have him in my life. After all he put me through, and how I couldn't shake him, not even from my pysche.......I felt it was my right to know for myself, how he was doing, and to feel the satisfaction of him wanting to know how i was doing as well. But now I liken my situation to that of a woman who was raped or physically beaten , Side note:: he did rape me. He'll never admit that though, I was a virgin, i was naive with all the new attention i was getting, but i knew i wanted to remain a virgin, he however, had other plans. I never experienced many sexual things, for instance an orgasm, so i told him he could give me one without penetrating me, he was only suppose to "grind" or rub back and forth sort of like clothes burning without any clothes on, but.....he shoved himself all the way inside of me, without my consent.
For years I faulted myself, why didn't i stop it? Why didn't i force him off me? Well the truth is i never stopped anyone who hurt me, i always stood there and took their abuse, i was trained as a child to hide any negative feelings. So, because he devirginitzed me, i was determined to stay with me. I vowed to myself that i would stay a virgin until marriage. I felt horrible, horrible guilt that i was unable to keep this promise. ...........
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 5, 2010 9:44:19 GMT -8
Anyway, would a survivor of physical abuse want to be friends with the person who repeatedly beat them? Maybe, if they hadn't recovered their self esteem, but a whole person would not even want to see the person who caused them so much pain, so why have I been entertaining a "friendship" with such a monster as he? Oh....yea, loneliness.
As lonely1 ssaid earlier, it's worse being with someone who isn't emotionally there, and the narcissist only appears to be there. This guy, my ex POA, isn't a friend, he isn't even someone i should want to be friends with. I am writing this as a reminder to myself....and anyone else who has experienced anything like this.
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 6, 2010 8:55:07 GMT -8
A litle CoDep thing we share: better to have one crummy friend than no friends at all....
As for crummy friend,,,,we're not sure we really deserve anything better anyway....
While what the crummy friend does may bother us 'later' , at least for 'now' we are getting some attention...maybe even affection....
A phrase my mom would blast in my face "Be Glad You Have Anything At All ! "
I now see that as BULLCHIT !!!
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 6, 2010 10:55:32 GMT -8
lol that last line really made me Laugh out Loud! But you are right, it is "BullChit" !!!
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Post by runrunrun on Oct 9, 2010 4:04:19 GMT -8
Hi wingz and thanks for the update. I like to hear whats working for others and keep up with how they are healing. It helps me to hear of success stories. When you go to the coda meeting remember that all the others there probably felt out of their comfort zones at one time or another and totally understand how youre feeling. I have noticed that codependents and love addicts are pretty understanding people.
runrunrun
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 9, 2010 6:59:11 GMT -8
Thanks Run,
I must admit I didn't go to the meeting. I called the number listed but I never got an answer. I could have just chanced it and drove out there, but I'm not that found of long drives to unfamilar places so I just didn't go. I know I need to get into one, so I will keep trying.
I did find comfort in your words about they probably felt the same as I did. I can imagine that to be true!
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 11, 2010 8:32:38 GMT -8
wingz,
You will be welcomed at the coda meeting, , , ,the feeling of being a stranger, out of place, will fade as fast as you will let it.....
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 11, 2010 12:36:42 GMT -8
Lonely1,
I'm sure you are right. Even if I don't get an answer when I call I am going to make the drive anyway. The drive alone will be theraputic.
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 11, 2010 18:48:34 GMT -8
So dance class was great tonight as usual. I am feeling more comfortable being around the regulars and even more comfortable when my sister n law comes with me as she did tonight. When she is there I am able to be my complete seld, my true self, the way I was before the childhood trauma really set in and wounded me. I am able to be this way with her because we are so much alike and I can feel that her spirit is truly genuine towards me. She and my brothers are the main ones I am able to be this way around. My true self is witty, silly, slightly goofy, outgoing, outspoken, and naturally the center of attention. I am working to bring my true self out permanently. Anyway, in dance class there is one girl who walks around talking to everyone, but she has never talked to me before. That always made me feel weird, I wondered why she never spoke to me. But she did speak to me tonight, she laughed and joked with me about a silly dance i was doing. For some reason, I felt really good that she did that. My inner self attracts people, the fake me who emereged to protect myself repels people. I think they can sense my uneasyness.
I am so blessed to have found this board!
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 12, 2010 8:13:27 GMT -8
Hey wingz,
I presume, from 'reading between the lines', you live in same place as you mom
....how hard is it to just ignore her...."in one ear and out the other" ?
...flat out say "I respect your right to an opinon, but I do not have to agree with it"
(here's a big one, take a deep breath, ease the air out and say)
. . "It is MY life, and I am going to take it where I want it"
(and if you get some static about "you'll be making a mistake")
. ."it is MY mistake to make, it is MY opportunity to learn from it"
( and if you need to push back hard....)
. . "You will not always be here...I have to learn, think and act for MYSELF "
Hows that for placing boundaries :-)
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 12, 2010 11:17:11 GMT -8
"You will not always be here...I have to learn, think and act for MYSELF "
Very well said Lonely! I do ignore her, but she is so over bearing. I tell myself not to be effected by her responses, I tell myself I don't need her approval( I'd bery much like it) but I don't need it. I really want to gain my autonomy, so I do ignore her, but it still angers me inside. I wish there was a way I could shut her up or stop her eye rolls until I am financially able to move out. I know there isn't, but the main thing I'm not going to do anymore is deny myself to pacify her and try to gain her approval. I'll just have to live with her dissapproval, which is ok because it's time for me to do what I need to do for myself, and I won't let her stop me, not anymore.
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 12, 2010 18:35:32 GMT -8
Just wanted to post that I finally went to a CoDa meeting and it was great. It is a good feeling to push past my internal fears. Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to go.
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 13, 2010 8:09:33 GMT -8
main thing I'm not going to do anymore is deny myself to pacify her and try to gain her approval. I'll just have to live with her dissapproval, which is ok because it's time for me to do what I need to do for myself, and I won't let her stop me, not anymore.
> wonderful, , , , congrats , , ,you go girl ,,,yippiee
> you have made the most important decision you'll make, that is:
> You First !!!
I finally went to a CoDa meeting and it was great
> I'm so gald you went
> I go too....
> when I present a coin / medallion to welcome a new meber . .
> one of the tings I say " You Are The Most Important Person In Your Life"
> and i can see you have taken the steps to recognize you are....
> "Welcome to the journey into your new and better future"
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 13, 2010 9:52:10 GMT -8
thanks Paisley!! =)
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Post by runrunrun on Oct 19, 2010 23:19:02 GMT -8
Yeah I am glad you went too. I had a feeling you would be welcomed and like it. It works if you work it....
runrunrun
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 28, 2010 8:13:24 GMT -8
> It works if you work it....
Why ?
Because We Are Worth It !!!
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 28, 2010 15:59:59 GMT -8
main thing I'm not going to do anymore is deny myself to pacify her and try to gain her approval. I'll just have to live with her dissapproval, which is ok because it's time for me to do what I need to do for myself, and I won't let her stop me, not anymore. > wonderful, , , , congrats , , ,you go girl ,,,yippiee > you have made the most important decision you'll make, that is: > You First !!! I finally went to a CoDa meeting and it was great > I'm so gald you went > I go too.... > when I present a coin / medallion to welcome a new meber . . > one of the tings I say " You Are The Most Important Person In Your Life" > and i can see you have taken the steps to recognize you are.... > "Welcome to the journey into your new and better future" I just saw this post from you lonely1 and the coin thing you do is awesome! I am learning to put myself first. It is akward at times, but I just keep pushing through, I must overcome these hang ups, I must!!!! |
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 29, 2010 11:48:27 GMT -8
You will . . .
It is a journey....yes, every now & then there will be a puddle in the path...but you already know you can just jump in and handle it....
With the comfort you have of surmounting the puddles, you'll be able to enjoy the scenery instead of worring about the next puddle....
God Bless ya girl !
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 29, 2010 12:17:07 GMT -8
I just pictured myself splashing around in a puddle having so much fun! Thanks for that image, it made me smile just thinking of doing that.
God bless u too!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 31, 2010 14:07:10 GMT -8
I just pictured myself splashing around in a puddle having so much fun! Thanks for that image, it made me smile just thinking of doing that. |
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Post by lonely1 on Nov 4, 2010 8:14:34 GMT -8
Yup
wingz before she jumped
And to anyone else out there....by ther 2nd or 3rd puddle,,,,you will have learned (with HP guidance and love) how to just walk across the puddle and barely get your feet wet , , ,it is awesome.
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