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Post by lacypooh on Oct 10, 2010 10:08:15 GMT -8
From being here I learned about people who seduce then avoid or pull away. Every boyfriend or guy I was into has done this and it has always sent me on a tailspin of chasing them. But, right now there are two guys doing this to me. In my mind I am afraid that this will always happen to me. That I will always attract or be attracted to men who will play tug of war with my heart. I keep telling myself that I just have to keep working the program, keep building my self esteem and set boundaries and it will stop, but I secretly fear that that isn't enough.
Anyway, right now I am being strong and not giving in to this manipulation. I've learned thaat real love & support isn't based on me being "good enough" and proving myself in order to gain their approval & attention. It's hard because it hurts my feelings, but I'm not going to be controlled in that way anymore.
Also I have been working on my boundaries with other wounded people. In the past, ppl have used me sorta like a sponge, soaking up my kindness and genuine compassion, then walking away or becoming distant when their "problem" starts to get better. Those experiences have reeked havoc on my self esteem, because in those "friendships" I was being myself, I wasn't going out of the way to be nice, I was just moved by their discomfort & wanted to show them love, but to discard me so easily....wow. So now I am careful not to be anyone's unpaid counselor, not because i don't care, but just because I am trying to protect myself. But this cycle is one I also fear I will continue to fall into, no matter what I do. I know these are just projected fears, but any reassurance will help.
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 10, 2010 10:26:37 GMT -8
My mother is the most controlling person in my life. As a child she used harsh looks, eye rolls, harsh tone of voice, and belitting comments to undermine me. As I grew up she used religion to control my natural impulses. When I was 19 i went to her to express my interest in sex. She basically called me a promiscuous & said I was naive and let some boy talk me into something. She told me how bad it was and compared me to my father's side who were all teenage mothers and very promiscuous. My V was taken from me years later & I felt such shame & guilt. I couldn't tell her because my being a V was the only thing she praised me on, so I kept up the image of "purity". Now, five years later, I can't enjoy sexual things. I have a huge mental block on it, I've only been with the guy who raped me, but other guys have tried to please me in other ways. I've never had an O!but faked them all the time. I can't even bring myself to that point. I'mnot sure if it was my mother or the sexual abuse from my past that has me this way, but I want to have a normal sex life. Despite the mental block on enjoying it, I have such intense cravings for it. I believe that I have a very high sex drive, I just feel such guilt whenever I come close to having it, so my desires are continuing to be repressed. I know this is unhealthy, but I don't know how to resolve this.
On a side note, my mother is now using religion to try and control my dance classes. It is on the night for Bible study & she said it is displeasing to God for me to be off dancing instead of at church. I find that complete BS because she herself hasn't been to Bible study in years. I have the strongest faith in my family, and she leans on me for spiritual support. I have to get my money together so I can move out & be on my own, but in the meantime, how am I supposed to endure her ultra controlling behavior? She doesn't understand how important this dance class is to me and what it does for me and my recovery.
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Post by lostandconfused on Oct 10, 2010 13:18:37 GMT -8
Prettywingz,
I am so very sorry. You are not alone!! So many things you said resonate in my life as well. Our mothers sound like they were brought up in the same house. I think the sooner you are able to get out on your own away from your mom the better. And when you do I recommend two books for you to read.
1. Toxic Parents: Overcoming their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming your Life, by Dr. Susan Forward
2. Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship, by Christine Ann Lawson
Continue to do your dance classes and any other thing that makes you happy. And DO NOT let anyone, even your mom, make you feel ashamed or wrong for being happy or doing positive things for yourself. God wants all of us to be happy. After I read those two books all I could feel for my mom was sorrow. I realized how wrong and distorted so much of her thinking was. It was almost like in order to be a christian in my mothers eyes you had to suffer, if you were happy you were doing something wrong. And she constantly used the Bible to condem me. But that is NOT what the Bible was made for.
Make your number one goal getting out of that house!!! And in the meantime i think you know what you need to do. Its okay to be afraid Prettywingz, but the support you desperately need is there for you, its just waiting for you to take it.
GO to the CoDA meeting sweetie. It will help you more than you can even imagine. And you might even find some really great life long friends....you never know I may be one of the people in the crowd smiling to see you walk in the room.
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 10, 2010 19:28:17 GMT -8
lostandconfused,
Thank you! I must have those two books and yes you are right, the Bible isn't there to make us feel dirty, and I must get out of this house and on my own. It's so hard to recover from my childhood when I am faced with it everyday. I have been afraid and unsure of myself my whole adult life. I am still afraid to step out and reach higher in my career, but I know I must if iI'll have any chance of being able to afford to move out. My dance class gives me a sense of myself that I've never had before. It's for me, it's all about me, it's the firs thing I've ever done that wasn't someone elses hobby or interest. I have a class starting in Nov that will be on that night so i'll only have a month left of dance class on that particular night , so I am not giving it up. I don't know what scares me so about the CoDa class, I guess the same hting that scares me about doing anything on my own..................it's on my own. But that's the whole point , to be able to do things on my own!
Thanks for your response, it was helpful and comforting =)
P.S I'm sorry we have such similar mother's. I already know the pain you must have endured.
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Post by lonely1 on Oct 11, 2010 8:19:16 GMT -8
"She doesn't understand how important this dance class is to me and what it does for me and my recovery. "
Use the God thing back at her... The Lord has inspired to be involved in an activity that lifts the spirit, mind and heart . . .and I have found that dance is the activity that was in the journey He provides...
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 11, 2010 10:49:43 GMT -8
I like that idea Lonely1,
I have dance class on two nights a week, in her mind I can give up the one that is on Bible study night, but even before dance I hadn't been going to Bible study, I really hadn't been going anywhere. She doesn't believe in any of this. When I cry or say I'm sad she rolls her eyes, when I said I needed to work on my self esteem, she walked away, I followed her & yelled at her I told her she may not understand that I have these problems but don't discard my feelings of discomfort that comes from them. She still didn't get it, but I could have punched her in the face that day. So there's no point in me telling her why having an acitivity that lifts my spsirit is so important because she doesn't think I have any need to have my spirit lifted. She thinks I am just a drama queen, someone looking for attention and I sure won't get it from her. I've asked her to go to family counseling with me, she refuses, she doesn't think there is a problem. She doesn't "remember" being emotionally or mentally absuive to me as a child. She thinks all I need to do is get up and stop making things up. And even if i did suffer as a child, I need to get over it. I told her I am TRYING to get over it, but I can't do it alone, I need my self esteem book, I need this online forum, I need my HP, I need to cry, I need to be angry, I need to allow myself to feel sad, and I need my dance class!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by dowop87 on Oct 14, 2010 13:27:27 GMT -8
Im codependent and my partner wants me to move out but not to break up... i do not know what to do. They claim that i am sucking the happiness out of them. All i kno is that i dont trust them, and if i have to leave then im taking this relationship and ending it. I WILL NOT BE PLAYED A FOOL OF AGAIN!!!!!
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 14, 2010 13:55:01 GMT -8
dowop, can u explain this a little further, is it multiple people?
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Post by rnurs74 on Oct 15, 2010 0:16:56 GMT -8
I'm sorry prettywingz, I know all to well about men (one in particular) seducing me and then pulling away. It's been 5 long on/off again yrs. It has run my self-esteem right into the ground. I often wonder what the motive is for them? Do they love us, or just use us? Do they know we will always be there? Maybe, we give them something they NEED without having to put to much effort on their part?
Its confusing and frustrating, always trying to figure out why we end up being doormats for others when we are kind hearted, sweet, give the shirt off our back kind of people!!
My prayers are with you, keep your chin up. Your on the right track!
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Post by lacypooh on Oct 15, 2010 7:47:27 GMT -8
Rnurs,
It does hurt, the back and forth, come here, go away tug of war that they put on our hearts, I think they actually have low self esteem themselves and they enjoy having someone ( like us) cater to them, but I think it's overwhelming because they didn't have that growing up so that's when they pull away, and make us feel like we completely made it up, they were never "into us" inthe first place, and so we go on trying to make it better, doing everything we can to get them back to the way they were towards us, only to have them pull away more, but eventually ( when we stop trying) they come back and it's like nothing ever changed. A vicious, horrible cycle that I'm glad I walked away from. But in the same token there is something familar about that cycle, it's oddly comfortable. But thanks for reading this post and commenting, I hope you find strength on your journey to health and recovery, my prayers are with you as well!
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Post by lessthanicanbe on Oct 16, 2010 6:11:26 GMT -8
I know this story all too well.....
The dance.....yes, what a nightmare! I am guilty of that.....though, I was right along with HIM on the ride. I said, "come here"......"no, go" and "forgive me for pushing you away".....to "well, you better go." Yes, as much my fault as his. I have been guilty of that for a long time.....only wanting them when they were on their way out. It is the dance of control...isn't it???
It is funny when you look at it through understanding eyes! Now......to avoid the dance, another story all together. It feels so good to know I am not crazy, well, not in this circumstance anyway! Best wishes ya'll!
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