Post by mistergizzard on Jan 5, 2011 5:51:04 GMT -8
First of all, let it be said that I am a Christian, although a lot of my actions I list may not make it seem like I am. But I don't have a perfect past and all I can do is pray for the Lord's help and guidance. This needs to be said because it's an important factor in understanding my love addiction. And I apologize ahead of time for the long post.
I first met my P.O.A., we'll call her "Jana" (not her real name) on a Christian dating site. She lived 8 hours away, two states over, in a large city (I'm a small town boy), but I immediately felt a connection with her. When I saw her picture for the first time, I was amazed at what a striking beauty she was, with lovely dark hair and deep brown eyes. Her good looks were my idea of a perfect woman. But what really attracted me was how much we had in common with our faith, core beliefs, values, etc. Our personalities seemed to mesh together perfectly; we even liked all the same movies and books and everything. One big difference was that I always grew up in small churches, while she had spent her entire life in a giant 4,000 member mega church. Her family was high up within that big church...her uncle was a pastor and famous TV preacher and she was a lead singer at the church. She was like a famous singer; she would often sing solos in front of 4,000 people (something I could never claim to have the courage to do). She even had her own CD out. I really felt overwhelmed yet excited by the idea that I was talking to someone who was like royalty in my eyes.
The more Jana and I talked, the closer we got, and the more flirting we did. I was constantly showering her with tons of compliments on how beautiful/awesome/what a great singer she was. She would also tell me how hot or good-looking she thought I was, which was great because no girl had ever said things like that before. I ordered her CD and listened to it over and over again...she autographed it for me and everything, by my own request. We would send each other lovey-dovey texts all day. I remember the first time I called her, what a beautiful voice she had, like an angel. We would sometimes talk all into the night, on into 3 or 4 in the morning.
About a month, however, things took a bad turn when I confessed how I really felt about her. I told her I had strong feelings for her, and even that I wanted to meet her so we could get together. I thought for sure she would say it back, but instead she freaked out, saying "I just want to be friends! We live to far away! I don't NEED a boyfriend right now!" When I asked why she was on a Christian dating site in the first place, she answered that she wasn't there to find a boyfriend, but to just "meet new friends." We ended up having a huge fight and didn't speak for a week--I was SO mad at her. I felt completely misled, and didn't think I would even talk to her any more.
But after about a week we started talking again We sort of "made up"...agreeing to keep talking and be just friends. What followed was a very turbulent, confusing three months, to say the least. The texting all day resumed, and soon we were once again getting on IM or talking on the phone all night long, every night, on into the early hours of the morning. And eventually, the flirting and compliments and me telling her how beautiful she was resumed as well. As we started getting close again, I started learning more about her. She told me that she felt very alone in life...even though she was a wonderful singer who would do solos in front of 4,000 people and had her own CD out, and had aspirations of being a famous Christian singer, her family did not support her. Even her uncle, the famous TV preacher, would tell her to give up these dreams and to just "get a real job" or "marry a rich man." I couldn't stand this, so I told her I would give her all the support she would ever need. It got to where her family would get together at some event and beat up on her and discourage her about "wasting her life with this naive singing" and she would call me on the phone crying, and I would have to console her and tell her she was the most beautiful girl in the world, and the greatest singer that ever lived, and her CD was SO awesome, and I was SO proud of her...my job became to make her feel better and encouraged.
About 2 months into it, she confessed that she had feelings for me and asked me if I still liked her. I said that I never stopped. We started making actual plans to meet, although I'm not sure where it was going after that. She would tell me she liked me but was still adamant about being "just friends for now." It was a mixture of wonderful and confusing. We would stay up all night talking about how much we liked each other, and it would get so intimate, but then I wouldn't get to bed until 5 or 6 am and would get to work late. I would be exhausted all day, and be in trouble for being late for work. But then I once got a mysterious e-mail from her sister; it said "Hey, just wanted to say hey to you. Now don't you dare tell her I said this, but Jana really likes you; you're all she talks about and her face just lights up and she gets this big smile on her face..." which was great, but then i would get a lecture from Jana herself about how "this was going too fast" and we need to "just be friends"...so I would be so confused.
Still, our feelings were obviously growing more, and after about 4 months, I finally broke down and confessed that I was in love with her. Not surprisingly, she freaked out again. "How can you love me!!?" "We've never even met!!'' "People can't fall in love over the internet without meeting! You live 8 hours away!!" I sort of withdrew, and then we sort of awkwardly got into our regular talking again, and it didn't come back up. Until about a week later, when she brought it up and said the most shocking thing..."I really wanted to say it back!" She told me she was in love with me too, but we could never be together, and...I'm not making this up....she told me "I was praying about whether or not you were the One, and the voice of God came down and said, 'No he isn't.' So we can never be together and we must stop talking." She was crying and everything, and she seemed sincere...I just didn't know what to make of what she told me. But I accepted it. We parted ways, and our last words were "I love you" to each other.
Some months later, still in a lot of heartbreak and having a hard time moving on with my life, I suddenly got an e-mail from her asking me how I was doing. I was still yearning to get her back but my mind knew better, but I cautiously wrote back and we struck up another conversation. After a few days of e-mailing back and forth, she invited me to Instant Message. I wasn't able to at the time (I had deleted my IM account), but told her I could re-download it. But then, she vanished. I sent her several e-mails asking if she still wanted to chat...no answer. Kept e-mailing, even asking why she wasn't answering. No answer.
A few weeks later I sent her an angry e-mail--I was SO mad. I asked her why she teased me like that, why she wouldn't answer any of my e-mails. I asked her if she hadn't caused me enough pain already. I mean, WHY?? Since she had ignored my last e-mails, I didn't expect her to answer, but she did. And it was NASTY. She flamed me to a crisp, calling me "creepy cyber stalker." She brought up our entire 4-month relationship, but rewrote it, making me seem like I was some kind of horrible monster. She said crazy stuff about "I told you 20 times I just wanted to be friends!" and "You wouldn't stop making advances on me, even after I begged you to stop flirting!" But the most hurtful thing of all, the greatest dagger I've ever felt in my heart, was when she said "I NEVER loved you!! I never liked you or even had any feelings for you at all!" Almost as painful was when she said "Your friendship was nothing but a huge burden to me!" And then she concluded with a smarmy "God bless you...goodbye." And it was over.
Fast forward even more months...I still wasn't over her, that last hateful e-mail had just fueled my depression. Perhaps unwisely, I thought perhaps after all this time, she had cooled down and maybe would forgive me. I sent her an e-card with a sincere apology, saying I was sorry for what I everything I said. She answered...THREE MONTHS LATER. And all I got for my sincere heartfelt card was a brief flat response. "'Thank you for the card...that was nice. I wish you the best in life--Jana." And that was the last I ever heard from her.
Today, I'm still obsessed with her. I have never gotten over this painful rejection. And now for the real kicker, the shocking twist. I RECENTLY GOT MARRIED.
Now don't get me wrong...I love my wife with all my heart. I knew she was the one when I first met her. She's the opposite of Jana...she is a sweet, shy, ordinary girl with short blond hair and glasses. And bless her heart, she can't sing worth anything. I don't obsess over her, but I've learned that obsession and love aren't the same thing. She knows the Jana story and how much I obsessed, but she doesn't know I'm STILL obsessed. I wasn't as obsessed with Jana while I was dating her and was close to saying that I'd moved on, but around the time I got engaged some things happened that triggered the obsession and brought it back (I accidentally found her CD, still autographed, buried in all my stuff). The wedding date was already set, and I thought it was just temporary and would go away by itself...but it's only gotten worse. I will say that on my wedding day, God blessed me with total freedom, and the obsession was completely gone...for a few days.
I'm normally okay while I'm at home, but while I'm out in the public working, the obsession rages on, even though I know that I'll never be with Jana. I replay conversations I had with her in my mind over and over and over again. I constantly think about what I could have done to make things different. What COULD I have said to make her love me? What could I have done differently? But then it's hit with cold hard reality that I'll never be with her, followed by guilt over the fact that I'm married but fantasizing over someone else. My obsession with Jana has affected my health and life is terribly deep ways that I want to stop. Everywhere I go, I see her, and EVERYthing is a trigger. I work in the public a lot, and if I see a girl who even looks a little like her (same hair color, or whatever), it's a trigger. If I hear about the city she lived in on the news, it's a trigger. Everything. I can't pray like I used to, because I used to talk about prayer with Jana so much, and it reminds me of her. I can't read the Bible as well as I used to, because Jana and I used to have long deep discussions about the Bible, and it reminds me of her. I used to love to listen to gospel and Christian/praise and worship, and now it's almost unbearable to me. The agony of everything reminding me of her has its grip on every aspect of my life, and I know it's only going to get worse unless something happens soon.
As much as I've been praying for deliverance, I discovered this website, and I believe it was a Godsend. I never knew I was an Love Addict, nor a Torchbearer, until I read this site, and now it all makes perfect sense. This has happened to me before...when I was a teenager I was rejected by a girl I adored but barely knew, and I obsessed over her for 6 years. In High School, I obsessed over love and relationships but had a tendency to avoid them. For some reason I would only like the most beautiful and popular girls in school, none of whom I stood a chance with, while avidly avoiding shyer or less popular girls who wanted to date me. Then I would wonder why I wasn't in a relationship.
I believe that understanding what's wrong is the first step, now I intend to take action. It's a new year, and for the sake of my marriage, spiritual walk, and overall health and well-being, I intend to enter this web forum, and its 12-step recovery program, that I can finally get out of fantasies and ALA/torchbearing, and my obsession with Jana with finally dissolve and become a thing of the past. Despite it all, I am totally confident and believe in what I can do, and what God can do for me.
I first met my P.O.A., we'll call her "Jana" (not her real name) on a Christian dating site. She lived 8 hours away, two states over, in a large city (I'm a small town boy), but I immediately felt a connection with her. When I saw her picture for the first time, I was amazed at what a striking beauty she was, with lovely dark hair and deep brown eyes. Her good looks were my idea of a perfect woman. But what really attracted me was how much we had in common with our faith, core beliefs, values, etc. Our personalities seemed to mesh together perfectly; we even liked all the same movies and books and everything. One big difference was that I always grew up in small churches, while she had spent her entire life in a giant 4,000 member mega church. Her family was high up within that big church...her uncle was a pastor and famous TV preacher and she was a lead singer at the church. She was like a famous singer; she would often sing solos in front of 4,000 people (something I could never claim to have the courage to do). She even had her own CD out. I really felt overwhelmed yet excited by the idea that I was talking to someone who was like royalty in my eyes.
The more Jana and I talked, the closer we got, and the more flirting we did. I was constantly showering her with tons of compliments on how beautiful/awesome/what a great singer she was. She would also tell me how hot or good-looking she thought I was, which was great because no girl had ever said things like that before. I ordered her CD and listened to it over and over again...she autographed it for me and everything, by my own request. We would send each other lovey-dovey texts all day. I remember the first time I called her, what a beautiful voice she had, like an angel. We would sometimes talk all into the night, on into 3 or 4 in the morning.
About a month, however, things took a bad turn when I confessed how I really felt about her. I told her I had strong feelings for her, and even that I wanted to meet her so we could get together. I thought for sure she would say it back, but instead she freaked out, saying "I just want to be friends! We live to far away! I don't NEED a boyfriend right now!" When I asked why she was on a Christian dating site in the first place, she answered that she wasn't there to find a boyfriend, but to just "meet new friends." We ended up having a huge fight and didn't speak for a week--I was SO mad at her. I felt completely misled, and didn't think I would even talk to her any more.
But after about a week we started talking again We sort of "made up"...agreeing to keep talking and be just friends. What followed was a very turbulent, confusing three months, to say the least. The texting all day resumed, and soon we were once again getting on IM or talking on the phone all night long, every night, on into the early hours of the morning. And eventually, the flirting and compliments and me telling her how beautiful she was resumed as well. As we started getting close again, I started learning more about her. She told me that she felt very alone in life...even though she was a wonderful singer who would do solos in front of 4,000 people and had her own CD out, and had aspirations of being a famous Christian singer, her family did not support her. Even her uncle, the famous TV preacher, would tell her to give up these dreams and to just "get a real job" or "marry a rich man." I couldn't stand this, so I told her I would give her all the support she would ever need. It got to where her family would get together at some event and beat up on her and discourage her about "wasting her life with this naive singing" and she would call me on the phone crying, and I would have to console her and tell her she was the most beautiful girl in the world, and the greatest singer that ever lived, and her CD was SO awesome, and I was SO proud of her...my job became to make her feel better and encouraged.
About 2 months into it, she confessed that she had feelings for me and asked me if I still liked her. I said that I never stopped. We started making actual plans to meet, although I'm not sure where it was going after that. She would tell me she liked me but was still adamant about being "just friends for now." It was a mixture of wonderful and confusing. We would stay up all night talking about how much we liked each other, and it would get so intimate, but then I wouldn't get to bed until 5 or 6 am and would get to work late. I would be exhausted all day, and be in trouble for being late for work. But then I once got a mysterious e-mail from her sister; it said "Hey, just wanted to say hey to you. Now don't you dare tell her I said this, but Jana really likes you; you're all she talks about and her face just lights up and she gets this big smile on her face..." which was great, but then i would get a lecture from Jana herself about how "this was going too fast" and we need to "just be friends"...so I would be so confused.
Still, our feelings were obviously growing more, and after about 4 months, I finally broke down and confessed that I was in love with her. Not surprisingly, she freaked out again. "How can you love me!!?" "We've never even met!!'' "People can't fall in love over the internet without meeting! You live 8 hours away!!" I sort of withdrew, and then we sort of awkwardly got into our regular talking again, and it didn't come back up. Until about a week later, when she brought it up and said the most shocking thing..."I really wanted to say it back!" She told me she was in love with me too, but we could never be together, and...I'm not making this up....she told me "I was praying about whether or not you were the One, and the voice of God came down and said, 'No he isn't.' So we can never be together and we must stop talking." She was crying and everything, and she seemed sincere...I just didn't know what to make of what she told me. But I accepted it. We parted ways, and our last words were "I love you" to each other.
Some months later, still in a lot of heartbreak and having a hard time moving on with my life, I suddenly got an e-mail from her asking me how I was doing. I was still yearning to get her back but my mind knew better, but I cautiously wrote back and we struck up another conversation. After a few days of e-mailing back and forth, she invited me to Instant Message. I wasn't able to at the time (I had deleted my IM account), but told her I could re-download it. But then, she vanished. I sent her several e-mails asking if she still wanted to chat...no answer. Kept e-mailing, even asking why she wasn't answering. No answer.
A few weeks later I sent her an angry e-mail--I was SO mad. I asked her why she teased me like that, why she wouldn't answer any of my e-mails. I asked her if she hadn't caused me enough pain already. I mean, WHY?? Since she had ignored my last e-mails, I didn't expect her to answer, but she did. And it was NASTY. She flamed me to a crisp, calling me "creepy cyber stalker." She brought up our entire 4-month relationship, but rewrote it, making me seem like I was some kind of horrible monster. She said crazy stuff about "I told you 20 times I just wanted to be friends!" and "You wouldn't stop making advances on me, even after I begged you to stop flirting!" But the most hurtful thing of all, the greatest dagger I've ever felt in my heart, was when she said "I NEVER loved you!! I never liked you or even had any feelings for you at all!" Almost as painful was when she said "Your friendship was nothing but a huge burden to me!" And then she concluded with a smarmy "God bless you...goodbye." And it was over.
Fast forward even more months...I still wasn't over her, that last hateful e-mail had just fueled my depression. Perhaps unwisely, I thought perhaps after all this time, she had cooled down and maybe would forgive me. I sent her an e-card with a sincere apology, saying I was sorry for what I everything I said. She answered...THREE MONTHS LATER. And all I got for my sincere heartfelt card was a brief flat response. "'Thank you for the card...that was nice. I wish you the best in life--Jana." And that was the last I ever heard from her.
Today, I'm still obsessed with her. I have never gotten over this painful rejection. And now for the real kicker, the shocking twist. I RECENTLY GOT MARRIED.
Now don't get me wrong...I love my wife with all my heart. I knew she was the one when I first met her. She's the opposite of Jana...she is a sweet, shy, ordinary girl with short blond hair and glasses. And bless her heart, she can't sing worth anything. I don't obsess over her, but I've learned that obsession and love aren't the same thing. She knows the Jana story and how much I obsessed, but she doesn't know I'm STILL obsessed. I wasn't as obsessed with Jana while I was dating her and was close to saying that I'd moved on, but around the time I got engaged some things happened that triggered the obsession and brought it back (I accidentally found her CD, still autographed, buried in all my stuff). The wedding date was already set, and I thought it was just temporary and would go away by itself...but it's only gotten worse. I will say that on my wedding day, God blessed me with total freedom, and the obsession was completely gone...for a few days.
I'm normally okay while I'm at home, but while I'm out in the public working, the obsession rages on, even though I know that I'll never be with Jana. I replay conversations I had with her in my mind over and over and over again. I constantly think about what I could have done to make things different. What COULD I have said to make her love me? What could I have done differently? But then it's hit with cold hard reality that I'll never be with her, followed by guilt over the fact that I'm married but fantasizing over someone else. My obsession with Jana has affected my health and life is terribly deep ways that I want to stop. Everywhere I go, I see her, and EVERYthing is a trigger. I work in the public a lot, and if I see a girl who even looks a little like her (same hair color, or whatever), it's a trigger. If I hear about the city she lived in on the news, it's a trigger. Everything. I can't pray like I used to, because I used to talk about prayer with Jana so much, and it reminds me of her. I can't read the Bible as well as I used to, because Jana and I used to have long deep discussions about the Bible, and it reminds me of her. I used to love to listen to gospel and Christian/praise and worship, and now it's almost unbearable to me. The agony of everything reminding me of her has its grip on every aspect of my life, and I know it's only going to get worse unless something happens soon.
As much as I've been praying for deliverance, I discovered this website, and I believe it was a Godsend. I never knew I was an Love Addict, nor a Torchbearer, until I read this site, and now it all makes perfect sense. This has happened to me before...when I was a teenager I was rejected by a girl I adored but barely knew, and I obsessed over her for 6 years. In High School, I obsessed over love and relationships but had a tendency to avoid them. For some reason I would only like the most beautiful and popular girls in school, none of whom I stood a chance with, while avidly avoiding shyer or less popular girls who wanted to date me. Then I would wonder why I wasn't in a relationship.
I believe that understanding what's wrong is the first step, now I intend to take action. It's a new year, and for the sake of my marriage, spiritual walk, and overall health and well-being, I intend to enter this web forum, and its 12-step recovery program, that I can finally get out of fantasies and ALA/torchbearing, and my obsession with Jana with finally dissolve and become a thing of the past. Despite it all, I am totally confident and believe in what I can do, and what God can do for me.
