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Post by runrunrun on Jan 7, 2011 6:23:52 GMT -8
I feel like I am being tested in my recovery. Like my daily challenges lately are far harder than they have been in months. I feel like God is testing me to see how well my recovery is coming. How well I can stick up for myself and not act out and get my needs met. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I feel like its too early. Like I want to take baby steps and I am getting huge steps instead.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Runrunrun
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Post by reinventmyself on Jan 7, 2011 9:22:21 GMT -8
oh yes. . I feel that way everytime I get into a relationship. It feels like navigating land mines. I wish I had a great solution for you. I am probably not the one to give dating advise at this time.  My therapist used to encourage me to date after my divorce (10 yrs ago) He said `you can't learn to be a great hitter if you only stand outside the batting cage and watch. You need to get in start swinging' I would argue back that I needed to be OK with myself before I had anything to offer anyone else. If I went into dating hungry and trying to fill a void I wouldn't make a good decision. He finally agreed. But I think there is something to be said about each arguements. . .It's a personal choice. |
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Post by runrunrun on Jan 7, 2011 9:44:53 GMT -8
Yeah I am feeling the same. Like I am not yet healed and have no business being in a relationship. Like my relationship is a fake because I am working on me. He knows about step meetings and being codependent. I think he and I ought to have more conversation about what i am going through now too.
I realized today that I cant chose my challenges in life. I cant yell at God for them either. But I can use all the tools the program has given me to get through these challenges and I know I will learn a lot and come out of this a stronger and better person. So today I posted here. I read some. I called my sponsor (very helpful) and I am reading more. My intuition and my sponsor both pointed me in the direction of reading The Four Agreements again. So far its was a good move. I should get to a meeting soon. Whatever tools are out there available for me I am going to have to use to get through this.
I am here in this place in my life for a reason. I wont balk at it and will do my best to go through it doing whats best for me and taking the consequences in stride.
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate all that you and the others have done to help me on this board.
Runrunrun
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Post by love on Jan 7, 2011 16:07:05 GMT -8
Yes. Same here. The more I'm in progress, the harder I get tested or the more temptations arise.
Like today I started so fine and was celebrating bec my new friends are also healthy and we are having good times. Then suddenly my ex-POA texted me and I ended up emotional and texting her much! After realizing that I sort of blew it, I have had darker thoughts and became down.
It's really part of the process for growth. We learn and face battle daily.
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Post by person on Jan 7, 2011 18:52:05 GMT -8
I feel this too.
My POA is not contacting me after my ultimatum.
My bone density scan showed osteoporotic range in my left hip. The doctor told me today that the report says there is some scar on it and I have to get X-rays. I have never had any injury to my hip.
I just started a new job in the end of November and already am unhappy there. I had a terrible luck with the job the last 7 years.
I am totally, utterly alone, have nobody to talk to.
I am very depressed today.
What else could be wrong?
This sounds like a test to me.
Of course, I could turn it around and count my blessings. But I don't feel anything except what this life is for. Very depressed.
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Post by runrunrun on Jan 8, 2011 4:20:15 GMT -8
Well the only advice I have right now is to focus on whats going well in your life. Find anything. Even if its just a article of clothing you like. Focus on it and only it. I did this and it really worked. I woke up one day. My leg ached (injury), my asthma was acting up and my heart condition was acting up. My relationship was causing me stress and I hate my job. I was miserable. But I focused on the few things in my life that were good (financial and my relationship with my daughter). And just thinking about those things changed my day. It went from doom and gloom to a really good day.
Runrunrun
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Post by runrunrun on Jan 8, 2011 4:25:54 GMT -8
Oh and I did get an answered prayer yesterday which I thank God for!
Runrunrun
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Post by reinventmyself on Jan 8, 2011 9:45:37 GMT -8
Run. . .good news. . for sure!
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Post by person on Jan 8, 2011 14:06:23 GMT -8
Thank you, run for your advice. I will try to do that. It is difficult to do today.
Yes, your situation is difficult too. I am glad your prayer got answered.
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Post by love on Jan 8, 2011 14:07:33 GMT -8
yeheeey! I'm glad to know that! ; )
We really ought to count our blessings and live one day at a time in GOD's strength! : )
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Post by mgb on Jan 9, 2011 4:28:40 GMT -8
Yeah I am really feeling that too, guys at the moment,being tested I mean,
It is like god is saying to me, this is hard do you really really want recovery???
Because I am feeling like it is not the easiest of roads at the moment, but........
I am answering god by saying today that I don't have a choice, and that recovery is my only option!
I am going to pray tonight for a bit of relief....
mgb.xo
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Post by runrunrun on Jan 9, 2011 4:37:32 GMT -8
Its easy to say this now that I have no challenges facing me today (at least so far), but how I got through those hard days was by using all the tools available to me. Everything I learned in recovery, my higher power, my sponsor and my gut feelings and intuition. Things worked out well too. I am very grateful for that. Thank God.
Runrunrun
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Post by mgb on Jan 9, 2011 4:45:19 GMT -8
Run run,
I want to share and tell you some good news..........
I asked god for a sponsor recently and I am happy to say that today I now have a sponsor I am so so grateful ad thankful for this, I know it will make my recovery much easier and deeper knowing I have this support system in place.
So this is another answered prayer!
mgb.xo
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Post by runrunrun on Jan 11, 2011 3:53:10 GMT -8
Yay MGB. Sponsors are worth their weight in gold. So glad you got one. My recovery made leaps and bounds when I found a sponsor. I should probably call her now.
Runrunrun
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Post by reinventmyself on Jan 11, 2011 9:22:08 GMT -8
phew. . .I need one of those! I seem to get so far into recovery and then hit a plateau.
I am such a chicken to walk into a meeting. .
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Post by runrunrun on Jan 11, 2011 19:19:51 GMT -8
reinvent, it might help knowing that everyone in the meeting when you step in was in your shoes once. I have heard it said many times at meetings that they finally got up the nerve to drive to one but were to scared to get out of the car. Only to go home and try again the next day.
I was too. I put on my 'tough girl' image. The false me that comes out in scary situations. I wore jeans, t shirt and sneakers. It wasnt the true me. But it got me through it and into the meetings and I have been going since.
Runrunrun
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Post by mgb on Jan 11, 2011 19:42:35 GMT -8
yeah reinvent,
Wow its the most amazing experience, I have ever had, its so lovely knowing these people have problems too and they are admiting them and being responsible for their recovery. They are so understanding, because as run says everyone who is there has been in your shoes.... I am so thankful I started meetings, its the best thing in recovery I have done so far........ someone in my group said to me the otherday think of NC as your last drink as in (AA) and it is not untill you walk into those meetings that you get the support and tools you need to really give up your addiction whatever that maybe........I live in Australia so there is not much choice of meetings where I live, I opted to go to an AA meeting and by the grace of god ended up in Al anon( friends and family of alcoholics) which is perfect for me because my issues are centered around trying to control my environment in order to feel secure and safe, because I grew up in an unpredictable and alcohol fulled environment. I cant tell you how much this has given me hope for my future and for healing my wounds.
I hear there are other meetings out there like SLAA(sex and love addiction), CODA(codependents) and ACA(adult children of alcoholics) and all are twelve step based and a welcoming and safe environment to share your troubles and recovery process. Try them you might be surprised, In my first Al anon meeting I felt like I had found my home.........snif snif.
Belssings and I hope you find your way to a meeting that is perfect for you....
mg.xo
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Post by reinventmyself on Jan 12, 2011 9:48:07 GMT -8
Thank you Run and MG. . . I really need a push. I'm typically pretty good at pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Lately I'm alittle fragile and not having the confidence to put myself out there. Your support means more than you know |
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Post by reinventmyself on Jan 12, 2011 11:05:13 GMT -8
Im in self flagellation mode. . what did I do wrong? . why wasn't I enough?. . what could I have done differently?. . why didn't I see the signs? (though honestly I did, duh). . .
I liked it a whole lot better when I blamed him for everything.
Elch. . it's all so hard some days. .
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