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Post by shadow87 on Jan 23, 2011 22:20:03 GMT -8
I initially posted here : laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=loveintro&action=display&thread=8285but realized that there was a more specific forum thread here, hence i am updating my issues here instead. I am not getting the help i need imo, allow me to resummarize my story: I am addicted to a guy who is 8 yrs younger than i am (i am 23), i feel so much attached to him and only when he approves of me then do i feel really comfortable! Whenever i am around him i'll feel at ease, but even the slightest bit of apparent unhappiness that i cause him will start to trigger my anxiety and depression. For example, if we play an online game together and he seems to blame me for something i did (wrong - game wise), i'll start to be so scare if i'll lose him forever, or when he starts to tell me that i am annoying him alittle too much (through text), i'll go crazy thinking i must've angry him off. When i dont meet him i'll start to worry that he'll leave me and a sense of depression will just overwhelm me... those who know the two of us (quite close) will say that we r the best of friends and he can't possibly leave me for such a small reason! but in me i feel so insecure  i am sick and tired of feeling this depression every single day.. someone please help me....!!! =( |
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 24, 2011 8:51:16 GMT -8
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
To be clear - you're 23 and he's 15?
Are you seeing a therapist? This could get ugly legally.
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Post by love on Jan 24, 2011 10:01:23 GMT -8
Hi Shadow 87! Here I am again for you.
As I've said I can relate. My recent ex-POA is really younger too but in her 20's already.
And I treated her like a baby sister too. How she feels used to matter much to me.
I used to minimize my time w/ others and gave her all what I got. She used to be all that I wanted.
But you know what? It's totally insane and destructive! We can never please them enough and they don't really satisfy us too. (No one can fill us up except GOD). They are not worth our time. They are nothing more than us actually or even less than us. We don't need them!
Today I just started joining a club, doing something I really enjoy. It helps to get busy w/ something else we enjoy. It's for our own good and sanity. Go out meet other people. The "feelings" will just follow. I'm so glad I did and it gets me through the day w/o missing her!
We can replace our POAs little by little one day at a time. Try any other activity or hobby w/c you enjoy much it really helps!
Especially your POA is just a teen. Sooner or later he will really CHANGE TREMENDOUSLY! I'm shocked when my POA suddenly "grew up" and changed SO MUCH! She became less than before. She is not anymore the baby sis who used to "cling" to me and respect and value me much. Who used to ask and inform me anything that concerns her. She just became distant and independent doing things TOTALLY APART/AWAY FROM ME or ON HER OWN! THAT ALONE BROKE MY HEART SO MUCH! For the whole yr last yr, I had struggled much just to cope up w/ her changes w/c ended up destroying our friendship. So pls take care of yourself, KEEP DISTANCE FROM HIM! Take it from me who suffered tremendously in spite of my strong values and independent spirit BEC I STAYED TOO CLOSE TO HER w/c suffocated her only. It's a trap or a bait! Try praying and read something like Bible. You can try fellowship too where pure brotherly exists. LET US LET THEM GO AND LET GOD! There is no other way.
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Post by melodyrose on Jan 24, 2011 10:14:18 GMT -8
Your interest is in a 15 year old. This is not appropriate at all if you feel sexually attracted. 15 year olds should not be with a 23 year old. He is vulnerable and easily swayed. You could go to jail for this. If I was a parent of a 15 year old and I found this going on I would not think of this lightly.
If this is purely a friendship and nothing more then take a look at your codependent issues. Perhaps if this is causing you so much discomfort then you might need to stop this relationship. Keep posting here.
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Post by shadow87 on Jan 25, 2011 20:23:16 GMT -8
Hi all, firstly i would like to clarify that i am not sexually attracted to my POA  So no worries about that, so far all that has happened between us is that we are really close friends and i feel so dependent on him. (nothing sexual or anything that represents any form of romantic relationships!) I may have given you all a wrong impression that i am in a "relationship" with him, but ours is purely friendship ( i am addicted to a friend) As seen in my story in the other thread, what i really seek is a sibling in the form of a friend , not a lover . The thing that i didnt mention was i am dependent on people at large, i seem to have 2 POAs now (we 3 are all gd friends) and they are both 16 now . Sometimes i would feel dependent on one of them and the next moment i can be dependent on the other (emotionally dependent) , i need their approval alot and it seems that my sense of self worth is dependent on them alone! I would like to clarify again that i am not sexually attracted to them ( i am in love with a girl now ^^ but not totally dependent on her) . can i ask how does GOD fill us? I've been praying a whole lot recently.. do share your experiences with me. thanks! god bless. |
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Post by person on Jan 25, 2011 21:10:17 GMT -8
Whether you are sexually attracted to this person or not, he is 15 years old! You have no business to be his friend. I am sorry if I sound harsh. But you need to find friends of your age. As melodyrose pointed out, no parent would approve of any relationship between 15 and 23 years old people. Please find friends of your own age. And I encourage you to go to counseling. This is not healthy behavior.
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 25, 2011 21:25:26 GMT -8
As much as it's great that you're not sexually attracted it strikes me as odd for a 23 year old to be close to people so much younger. You may want to really consider counseling.
What keeps you from connecting with people your own age?
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 26, 2011 3:51:05 GMT -8
I think you need to listen to the comments from members here. I agree with them. Whether this is a sexual relationship or not (and believe me, it's GREAT that it isn't), it is still an inappropriate, unhealthy relationship. It signifies an unwillingness on your part to grow and mature. This is a situation in which you really need to force yourself to forge relationship with people your own age, even if it feels weird or uncomfortable. Little by little you will adapt and grow by it.
But the truth is, I cannot advise you on how to maintain a relationship with this person. In fact, I strongly suggest you end it and move on.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 26, 2011 8:22:28 GMT -8
Very, VERY strong points Paisley. I am 100% in agreement.
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 26, 2011 9:42:27 GMT -8
another thought - in terms of him pulling away, etc.
He's 16, this is sort of typical for the age.
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Post by love on Jan 26, 2011 10:38:24 GMT -8
"can i ask how does GOD fill us?"
Once you surrender your life to GOD and receive JESUS as your personal LORD and SAVIOR, HE will fill you up as you abide in HIM and HE will give you the HOLY SPIRIT once you put your faith in HIM. : )
You can do it anytime on your own sincerely. You don't have to keep praying it. You only have to pray for your salvation or the "prayer of acceptance" ONCE.
Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life. " - John 4:13-14
You can read New Testament such as the Gospels and the Epistles. You can read Romans and the Gospel of John. (From the Bible)
If there is any Bible-based fellowship you can try attending and see for yourself too.
GOD will help you as you call on HIM in faith.
HE UNDERSTANDS YOU PERFECTLY AND CAN MEET YOUR NEEDS. So you don't have to rely on your friends or anyone else to make you happy or satisfied. JESUS CAN SET YOU FREE! : )
"So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free." - John 8:36
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 26, 2011 10:48:05 GMT -8
or you can find other things that represent god. It doesn't have to be jesus at all. Jesus is great for some people, not for others. If I was told I had to accept jesus and only jesus early on I would have bolted and may still be an addict today. But if Jesus does it for you, that's great. Accepting jesus is certainly not necessary for recovery or finding god.
I find a lot of help with buddhist ideas though I am not a buddhist. I hear a lot of "god" when I get advice from the right people, listen in meetings, etc.
When I am in a quiet mind and can get deeply honest and vulnerable. When I allow myself to truly feel what I feel when I strip away my addictive behaviors- when I see the why? Healthyme is right- the sincerity will get you everywhere. Keeping an open mind and not just praying for what you WANT. I am sometimes so grateful that I don't always get what I want!
I quietly ask for help in a prayer-like way. If anything I get focused and some positive/hopeful energy around me.
There are many "Spirituality in recovery" themed 12 step meetings. I go to an AA one once a week and hear every type of spirituality possible. People who have been around a long time, they're the ones to listen to.
Obviously something in your gut knows that something is off in this situation. This is a good thing. Work with it.
I really enjoy reading the books of Pema Chodron. She is a buddhist nun but her books are non-denominational.
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Post by love on Jan 26, 2011 11:19:12 GMT -8
My dad was a Buddhist and my mom was a Catholic.
They never got mad at me nor scolded me except when I surrendered my life to JESUS initially until they saw how much my life has changed and they ended up trusting JESUS as LORD and SAVIOR too. : )
I tried many religions they all are good in helping people.
But as for me and others who also tried other religions, it's having a PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP W/ JESUS that is THE ULTIMATE ANSWER. : )
You can ask GOD to reveal to you the truth and if you seek HIM w/ all your heart you will find HIM.
"This is God's Message, the God who made earth, made it livable and lasting, known everywhere as God: 'Call to me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.' - Jeremiah 33:3 (The MSG)
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jan 26, 2011 11:56:43 GMT -8
Hi All,
I don't want to get too off topic but Brooklynberry---- Have you read the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach ? Awesome book! After I read it I started giving them away as presents .She also has meditation tapes.. I highly recomend it, and now that I am getting sober I'm getting more from it...
And I am with Paisley on this post too Shadow... Do you know the concept of emeshment? Understanding that might help you....
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 26, 2011 12:15:37 GMT -8
There is no one answer, no one single path to follow. There are many answers to recovery and "salvation." You need to find or create the one that feels right to you.
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 26, 2011 12:18:15 GMT -8
ooh I have not.
thanks!
sorry but Jesus ain't never gonna come my way. It's REALLY REALLY important in the 12 steps to emphases that the steps call for a god as we understand god.
3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
telling newcomers there is only one way or their god is wrong is VERY dangerous. It can push people away who could gain a lot from program. If they come to jesus, that's great if not, that's great too. whatever works!
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Post by shadow87 on Jan 27, 2011 7:23:47 GMT -8
Dear all,
i agree with all of u that i should give him space and act more as a mentor to him rather than being so dependent on him - i agree.
and i am looking for ways to do that..
i am currently seeing 3 counsellors and 2 psychiatrist , my situation has improved alot since i accept christ a month ago =)
I have great support from ppl who loves me to overcome this.
Our friendship looks normal on the surface, it is the deep emotional turmoil that i suffer that keeps me from enjoying our friendship fully..
can anyone enlighten me on how i can be "Addicted to jesus" instead?
thanks.
if i left out anything do let me know.
thanks
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Post by love on Jan 27, 2011 7:40:26 GMT -8
"can anyone enlighten me on how i can be "Addicted to jesus" instead?" Hi! Shadow! I'm so glad to hear that about you! ; D You can be addicted to JESUS by spending more time talking to HIM in prayers, ask the HOLY SPIRIT to guide you, reading the Bible, attending fellowship, listening to Biblical teachings, and you can subscribe for email newsletter at www.insight.org etc. They got a lot of helpful materials too. I wish you well! keep going on even just baby step at a time! ; ) |
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jan 27, 2011 8:11:42 GMT -8
I'm pretty new here.... and I'm seeing a "Red Flag" with your wish to be addicted to Jesus. Why would you go from addicted to a friend to addicted to Jesus?
Where is the focus on you?
I hear the need for a Higher Power... Great. But addicted?
Do you think it's okay to be addicted to Jesus because he is a Religion and your replacing your addiction with your friend with something"higher/healthier?".
I think I read that torchbearers need to do that... Is that what you are?
Glad to hear your doing therapy! Good luck.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 27, 2011 9:12:15 GMT -8
I agree with Healing. It's not exactly healthy to be "addicted" to Jesus, let alone anything else. Remember: addiction is NOT love, it is NOT healthy devotion. Addiction is "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, such as narcotics..." Addiction is a way we avoid ourselves and hide behind something, anything: food, alcohol, love and religion. Addiction denies us a healthy relationship with whatever it is we are addicted to.
However, in order to stop obsessing over a PoA, I have always suggested putting your energy into something healthier: exercise, recovery, dancing, singing, a healthy hobby, etc. Trouble is, when you start to use that new obsession as a way to avoid your responsibilities and your life, you've fallen once again in to the trap of addiction.
BALANCE. Everything in moderation, including religion, food, love.... That is the key to profound happiness and recovery.
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Post by love on Jan 27, 2011 10:23:09 GMT -8
Hi! Brother! Actually I consider it a "passion" or devotion more than anything else.
And our faith in JESUS is NOT a religion as well. But a PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.
So HE will reveal HIMSELF to you "personally", just keep praying and reading the Bible.
When I was at my lowest it is JESUS WHO turned my "mourning into dancing".
I never felt true unconditional love except through HIM.
People are surprised where I get all these strength as I face many GIANT battles in my life,
I have to say JESUS is my HELP and STRENGTH.
HE IS A COMPASSIONATE GOD. HE KNOWS HOW YOU AND I EXACTLY FEEL.
NO ONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND US BETTER THAN GOD.
AND HE IS EVER-READY TO HELP US. HE NEVER EVER FAILS.
YES I LOVE JESUS NO.1.
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Post by soulseeker on Jan 27, 2011 17:12:25 GMT -8
Hi! Brother! Actually I consider it a "passion" or devotion more than anything else. And our faith in JESUS is NOT a religion as well. But a PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. So HE will reveal HIMSELF to you "personally", just keep praying and reading the Bible. When I was at my lowest it is JESUS WHO turned my "mourning into dancing". I never felt true unconditional love except through HIM. People are surprised where I get all these strength as I face many GIANT battles in my life, I have to say JESUS is my HELP and STRENGTH. HE IS A COMPASSIONATE GOD. HE KNOWS HOW YOU AND I EXACTLY FEEL. NO ONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND US BETTER THAN GOD. AND HE IS EVER-READY TO HELP US. HE NEVER EVER FAILS. YES I LOVE JESUS NO.1. Please think about when you use CAPS, it seems like you are yelling. I get that you love Jesus. It says so in your name, your quotes. I wonder how you would feel if I yelled at you about my personal relationship with the Divine Beloved. I don't want to discourage you from being part of this great group. But I ask that you think about the fact that we all have our higher power. But we are not using our HP as a personality or identity. I don't want to seem disrespectful, but sometimes this comes across as trolling. |
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Post by Loveanimals on Jan 27, 2011 21:57:47 GMT -8
There has to be some underlying emotions that you are either unaware of or trying to hide from with this.
As a high school coach I would counsel my students to not be friends with someone older like that, it just could lead to other things and not be healthy. Because of my job I have learned to maintain strict boundaries with anyone under 18, whether they go to my school or not. Perhaps you should do the same?
Meanwhile do your counselors and psychs have to say about your addiction? Do they know of details from your past that could be manifesting itself into addiction?
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Post by love on Jan 29, 2011 5:45:20 GMT -8
soulseeker: Lol! No offense meant! It's ONLY MY PERSONAL style to put CAPS to EMPHASIZE. You can do whatever you want and I won't mind it if it's your business. ; )
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 29, 2011 11:17:24 GMT -8
@healthy, I think her point is that you talk about god so much that we don't even know what you're talking about - there is only so much one can read about jesus until it feels like someone's trying to convert us rather than just be a recovering person among recovering people. We understand what your faith is. But it's sometimes hard to find YOUR words in between the jesus talk (I know you are going to say it's god talking through you or something but this board is about us and recovery, not becoming christian). Your faith is awesome but you're heard more clearly, in every situation, when you speak in moderation! |
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Post by love on Jan 29, 2011 12:53:44 GMT -8
Lol I got you Brooklyn loud and clear! ; D
I think it's ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS my POA has changed w/ me and has been avoiding interacting w/ me. : S
But in this particular thread, Shadow87 ASKED FOR IT TWICE so I JUST GLADLY RESPONDED! ;-p
(Shadow87 Q#1 > "can i ask how does GOD fill us? I've been praying a whole lot recently.. do share your experiences with me..thanks!"
Shadow87 Q#2 > "can anyone enlighten me on how i can be "Addicted to jesus" instead?")
At least, I answered his questions WILLINGLY! : D
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Post by soulseeker on Jan 29, 2011 13:07:22 GMT -8
I think it's ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS my POA has changed w/ me and has been avoiding interacting w/ me. You are making fantastic progress. I know how painful it can be to find out we were living in addiction and we ruined a relationship. Good work. |
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Post by love on Jan 29, 2011 13:12:39 GMT -8
Oh thanks a lot Soulseeker! I appreciated your words! :' )
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Post by overcomer on Mar 22, 2011 7:06:10 GMT -8
Shadow87, how are you doing?
I hope and pray you are ok and in recovery.
GOD is our HELP.
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i am sick and tired of feeling this depression every single day..
So no worries about that, so far all that has happened between us is that we are really close friends and i feel so dependent on him. (nothing sexual or anything that represents any form of romantic relationships!)
