Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Jun 3, 2008 3:37:55 GMT -8
I have struggled with low self esteem all my life..I was never given the tools to build it up..
I always thought if only I were thinner, smarter, richer then the self esteem would follow.
I have come to see it doesn't matter how thin smart or rich I am, the feelings of worth need to come from within..
In the past I would chose those people who undermined my self esteem thus confirming my beliefs of external forces determining my worth..
I believe that I am on a road to acceptance and yes we all have flaws but that doesn't mean I can't stand up strong and proud...
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Post by londonlibby on Jun 4, 2008 1:34:41 GMT -8
" One thing to keep in mind is that to be in an addictive obsessive love relationship, as awful as it is and as naive as it is--takes guts. "
Yes - it does, it takes 'guts' for us to continually harm and belittle OURSELVES - Imagine what we could do then, with those guts if we applied the same life force to :
being kind to ourselves by letting go
being loving to ourselves by allowing health in
being warm to ourselves by nurturing our talents
being loyal to ourselves by maintaining NC
being wise to ourselves by reading, thinking, writing healthy words
being with ourselves by befirending and loving in a way s/he never could/would/did
...sistah - we could change the world.
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Post by jonny on Jun 10, 2008 11:49:39 GMT -8
Boy is the above so true !!!
Yes with the power of all that obsessive love with could move mountains !!!
yes i really agree and see what you mean boy do we waste a wonderfle vast amount of energy on it all !!!
We get and feel so weak yet really we use and have so much power and grit in our body and hands !!
Then we channel it all in the wrong direction !!!
Especially when we are in an addictive obsessive love relationship !!!
jonny xxx
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Jun 10, 2008 12:02:07 GMT -8
I hope that one day I can channel it in a positive way and feel proud and strong...
I feel like it is now a possiblilty and won't be subject to making the same mistakes again in the future...
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Post by winnie on Jun 10, 2008 12:29:45 GMT -8
I think you will be able to channel it in a positive way sooner than you think.
I certainly feel that for me obsessive love has been a means of NOT getting on with other things . A twisted form of procrastination . By pouring myself into someone else and doing it with guts I was still just not facing up to what i WAS or was not able able to do with the rest of my life , oh the time i have wasted, I just didnt want to face it.
has anyone else found that procrastination is part of LA for them?
winnie
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Jun 10, 2008 12:54:54 GMT -8
I agree with that totally!!! it was a means of avoiding my reality..
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Flash
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Post by Flash on Jun 10, 2008 16:40:28 GMT -8
I think I developed a comfort level with thinking I was worthless.
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Jun 11, 2008 3:10:43 GMT -8
Something interesting I have come upon is that with my last POA and my ex H I always bolstered their self esteem, by saying kind words and saying how wonderful they were..in reality they were not true.. I projected what I wanted to hear from them..
Well I am realizing no one can make you feel good about yourself, they can add to your feeling but they themselves have nothing to do with your self esteem, that comes from within..
Slowly I feel it building, my whole life has been consumed with making others feel good about themselves starting with my mom who had many mental disorders and committed suicide when I was 27...
This is a foreign concept to me that I need to be able to embrace.
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Aug 12, 2008 6:21:47 GMT -8
Well I am starting to embrace myself and my self esteem is staring to build..
I am realizing that I am worthy-that I am inherently a good person..
Not only that,I see that it is ok to get that from myself, that I no longer need to depend on others to provide that to me.
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Post by bluebird on Aug 12, 2008 17:36:02 GMT -8
hi chrissy,
it takes time. at least it does for me. first awareness, then the actions.
i've been putting effort into thigs lately and i am tired. Today I had to practice opposite action and go to the gym anyway. Since i had NC I've gained over 20 pounds.
so enough of that. Off to the gym when I really want to go to bed.
post when I want to daydream. and walk the dog instead of watching tv.
what are you doing? I'd love some ideas.
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Post by bluebird on Aug 12, 2008 17:40:33 GMT -8
I've just re-read Susan's suggestions on how to build self esteem. I am practicing those things, situation by situation. are you? sometimes I slip up but then back to it.
hope your summer has had some beauty. I know you have worked so hard on this stuff.
b.
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Post by Judy on Aug 12, 2008 18:41:16 GMT -8
hi bluebird - well, I got a little shot of self esteem today. My car is in the shop for the umpteenth time so I took my new (used) bike and drove to work - about 6 miles - a good number of hills - in about 40 mintues. I LOVED it. And I thought "good for me" at 54, pedal to the metal. I might just sell that naive car. Also, and this is vain but at this age who cares, I work out a lot and it was great seeing the muscles in my arms out of the corners of my eyes as I sped up those hills.
I'll be hurtin' tomorrow!
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Aug 13, 2008 5:52:04 GMT -8
Thanks BB.. for so long I relied on others to give me the self esteem that I should have inherently..
I was always feeling inferior, not good enough..
I guess humor helps me..to laugh and be spontaneous..
I have been working out some..not by any means thin but working on feeling better.
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Post by Sobrietythirst on Aug 13, 2008 8:42:59 GMT -8
My self-esteem seems to be shaky to me lately because the foundation of my entire character and self-esteem was based on the addiction to other people or the lies I told myself and when I isolated myself to work on my issues I found myself wanting to find someone to help, someone to cope with or give advice to. My self-esteem issues manifest themselves in the weirdest ways; I'm starting to resent other women who are extremely beautiful or if I am talking to someone and a woman who is seemingly attractive comes in I start to feel insecure, I don't even trust my prety friends around guys I like for fear that they will steal them.
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Post by Judy on Aug 13, 2008 11:32:15 GMT -8
Sobrietythirst - it's so interesting what you wrote about self-esteem issues manifesting themselves in the weirdest way. I'm feeling that about money.
I've lived a rather nomadic "artistic" life, so basically lived pay check to pay check. A lot of my money issues in the past decade have been tied to the love addiction. I am thankfully debt free, and am getting better with the love addiction - and all of a sudden I HAVE to be making a 6 figure salary by next year.
It's bizarre!!! I am coming off years of this love addiction kicking my butt and needing some rest and calm - but no, I'm going to make up for all the years I should have been contributing to a 401K!
Ugh. I just keep telling myself to act out of calmness. And not get down in the dumps by comparing my insides to everyone's outsides.
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Post by bluebird on Aug 13, 2008 11:39:19 GMT -8
sobrietythirs,
I read your other post recently. I find that for me, as i get closer to the core vulnerabilities my percieved need to protect myself heightens.
being aware of it helps me to not act on those internal chatterings.
I know what they are related to and I can acknoledge them and let them pass.
It is very difficult for me to stay present an do it though when I am also working on the core things. How do you do it?
judy - by all means if you know how to increase your income by that many figures let the rest of us in on it!
b.
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Post by Judy on Aug 13, 2008 11:49:03 GMT -8
bluebird - I certainly will! And I'll make a big donation to the board!
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Aug 13, 2008 12:04:57 GMT -8
My self esteem was at an all time low the last few years of my marriage-my ex H would tell me it wasn't his fault I didn't have friends..that I was fat...that I had a poor paying job-he said fear and and laziness were my issues..
I was convinced that he was right ,that I was lazy and scared...I hit an all time low...I had been married for almost 20 years and when he left I thought that was it for me..
I see that when it is not fostered its a strange concept...I was not given kudos and praise and told to feel good about myself..
My mother gave me diet pills and laxatives when I was eleven years old so I would stay skinny, talk about dsyfunctional...
So here I am learning about self esteem..being good to myself and defining my own worth..
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Post by bluebird on Aug 13, 2008 21:20:56 GMT -8
OMG - same age -
I got 1/2 cup of leanest ground beef, 1/2 cup of canned green beans, and nothing else 3x daily. at the end of the day if I was good and didn't eat beyond that I could have 1/2 cup of sherbert.
not to be fat. I asked her for help when a boy in school called me a fat dog. she never ever said he was a creep or teach me to stand up for myself - only how to control my hungers.
so here I am with you learning about self esteem etc.
we didn't get here by accident
we will leave here on purpose
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Post by Sobrietythirst on Aug 14, 2008 18:54:23 GMT -8
Chrissy,
That's great that you're defining it for yourself...I'm learning that if you've never been taught how to build your self-esteem you often look to others or other things to define it for you. I'm a competitive person and I am realizing that a core of that is feeling the need to prove myself.
Bluebird,
I stay in my head alot..analyzing, critiquing. I have also written for all of my life which has made it increasingly difficult to stay present when you apply a misty haze to the past. I try to find some peace...or direct my attentions to the fact that I can't find it. I pray for my focus if that's what i'm lacking or try to call for a prayer that demands focus. I am slowly learning not to give the addiction its power..but trick it.
If it wants my company..it can have it (as long as it makes room for my serenity, prayer and focus)...
Judy--that makes complete sense. I completely compensate and do things for what I didn't have or do in the past. It's an exhausting way to live-not playing catch up. I guess i am trying to learn how not to regret, or acknowledge and bad decison thne move on.
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Aug 27, 2008 6:49:53 GMT -8
Okay the self esteem issue is starting to get better for me...for so long I valued what others thought much more then what I thought..
I have made the mistake of staying in my head too, replaying, analyzing and thinking of a different outcome..
I see myself know as good as anyone else and that is a big step...
My body image has always sucked...but lately ( even though have some weight to drop) I can look in the mirror and say " hey not too shabby for a 42 year old.
Starting to hold my head up high..not comparing myself to others..
I know I still have aways to go..
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Post by Sobrietythirst on Aug 30, 2008 21:49:50 GMT -8
I need help with my self-esteem. I don't know how to build it. I find myself at a critical phase as ppl tell me I'm beautiful and I don't believe it. I get rejected and I think if i'd lost the weight or did this or that. I am still searching for validation. If I think not even know that someone doesn't like me...I will go through several different things in my head, play the victim and talk about their ignorance, then try to get them to like me. When will I stop caring what people think of me?
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Post by bluebird on Aug 31, 2008 0:33:28 GMT -8
99 people in the room love you, adore you, want to know you and be with you.
1 person doesn't like you at all.
which matters to you?
3 people like you, one does not.
3 wait for you while you do all you can to get the one to see you
3 people get tired of waiting and find someone who appreciates them. -
*how many of us have gone for the one (lol)?
Ok flip side -
100 people in the room. How many do you like? tell the truth.
when you give yourself permission to not like everyone, in the process you will give them permission to not like you.
it is OK to not like everyone. that goes for anyone.
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Post by Judy on Aug 31, 2008 4:14:05 GMT -8
hi sobrietythirst - I find I build self-esteem one experience at a time. It does not come all at once. Or because I all of a sudden realize I have no self-esteem.
One experience of walking away. Of speaking up for myself. Of a kind gesture. Of minding my own business. Of letting people NOT like me, and being OK with that (as bluebird wrote). Of working out. Of paying my bills. Of calling a friend in need.
It just builds. It's constant vigilance, though. My sense of self-esteem does not come naturally. I believe I will always need to be aware. That's why I have needed to slow down in life. Take time to know how I feel. What I believe. What I want to choose.
Organically, I still react to life like a teen-ager. My self-esteem builds when I can keep that teenybopper at bay and act like the adult I want to be. It's a challenge!
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Aug 31, 2008 15:26:49 GMT -8
Yes we do need to build it one experience at a time..Mine does not come naturally it is painstaking sometimes...but as of late I can look in the mirror and say hey not so bad for a 42 yr old..what I see is someone with a kind face..a nice smile and a booty to stop traffic..lol..
Inherently all of us want validation and to be liked...however it does not need to define us and truth is we will never get it from everyone..so we need to seek out those we like and that like us and forgot about everyone else..
In Gods eyes we all have worth we are all precious..
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Oct 3, 2008 15:17:15 GMT -8
Been a while since I have added to this thread...I am starting to see that my self esteem is slowly but steadily increasing...
I always fought to be liked and would be hurt if people said negative things about me..this affected every aspect in my life.
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julie
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Post by julie on Nov 8, 2008 11:46:00 GMT -8
has anyone else found that procrastination is part of LA for them?
winnie [/quote
I have been looking around at my house and my business and thinking about this idea myself lately. What is the connection with the LA and procrastination? Is there a link there? I find it difficult to do things that I know need done because I just do not have the motivation. (I have been dealing with the separation from my husband for 5+months now - but even when we weren't separated I tend to be a procrastinator. This is interesting. I'd like to know what the psychology may be behind this.
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julie
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Post by julie on Nov 8, 2008 12:03:17 GMT -8
I think my biggest reason for having low self esteem all of my life is that I have a disease called PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) - which has caused me a lot of self hating. At age 12 I began to develop abnormal hair growth on my face. But it's not like the occasional little moustache or a few stray hairs that many women experience. It is very severe and grows basically like a man's beard would. This has been so devistating and embarassing to me for my entire life. I have been so ashamed that this is the way I am. I've spent thousands on laser hair removal but it never helped. It has kept me from spending nights at friends, camping, and other activities I enjoy because I do not want people to know about this issue. Initially I had to spend an hour each morning plucking, which had to be done in secret. Now I shave it every morning instead. But it is something that is not going to go away. I don't know how to like myself and have confidence and self esteem when I have to hide this embarassing problem from even close friends and family. My husband knew - he loved me anyway - and now there is a good chance he is going to divorce me. but it has held me back my whole life. I don't know how to overcome this. What woman wants people to know she has a beard that she has to cover up every day? I do think this is what keeps my self esteem low in addition that I was always trying to be "good enough" for my parents.
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