Post by LovelyJune on Mar 20, 2011 5:22:40 GMT -8
Now that I've been in recovery for quite some time and have learned what boundaries are and have practiced using them, it still AMAZES ME to see others who have no boundaries.
This weekend, for example, a friend of mine invited his ex to a party. Keep in mind that no one feels comfortable around this woman, she's verbally abusive to him, uses him for money, dumps the kids on him incessantly, and is just a purely toxic person, doing things like lying and setting up pranks that have the ultimate goal of hurting someone else.
And yet, he tells us, "he feels sorry for her" that she has no friends. Or that "she is the mother of my children, and so I should extend the olive branch." And so she shows up to this party, bad-mouths my friend, tells him she needs a couple hundred dollars for food for the kids, and then proceeds to go out and get an iPad the very next day.
My friend then admits that he feels "betrayed," "hurt," and "used." And YET...where were his boundaries? Why did he invite her to his party (boundary # 1 broken); why did he give her money outside their child support agreement (boundary # 2 broken) and why did he answer a call from her the very next day only to hear her brag about her new iPad (boundary #3 broken).
Love addicts (and I'm not so sure this friend of mine is even a love addict--probably co-dependent) have this sick, unhealthy belief that if we cut someone off, ignore them, block them, refuse to talk to them, that we are doing something wrong. We're not being Christian. We're not being neighborly or caring. And yet, by letting them in, we are essentially hurting ourselves, emotionally and otherwise.
There is nothing wrong with having boundaries or blocking someone from your life. It's called protection. It's called having a filter system. If Charles Manson walked up to your door step, would you let him in?
I would hope not. ANd yet, we do it every day with the people in our lives.
People have to EARN the right to be let into my life. Because I care about myself I make sure that not just anybody can come in. It's called a boundary.
It pains me to see other people who do not yet realize that boundaries are a great way of protecting oneself. So, once again...I'm spreading the word: keep up those boundaries! It's not about letting no one in; it's about only letting good, kind, caring people in, who share your same values. And if you cannot yet tell who's good and kind as opposed to who isn't, it's time to learn (but that's a future post!)
This weekend, for example, a friend of mine invited his ex to a party. Keep in mind that no one feels comfortable around this woman, she's verbally abusive to him, uses him for money, dumps the kids on him incessantly, and is just a purely toxic person, doing things like lying and setting up pranks that have the ultimate goal of hurting someone else.
And yet, he tells us, "he feels sorry for her" that she has no friends. Or that "she is the mother of my children, and so I should extend the olive branch." And so she shows up to this party, bad-mouths my friend, tells him she needs a couple hundred dollars for food for the kids, and then proceeds to go out and get an iPad the very next day.
My friend then admits that he feels "betrayed," "hurt," and "used." And YET...where were his boundaries? Why did he invite her to his party (boundary # 1 broken); why did he give her money outside their child support agreement (boundary # 2 broken) and why did he answer a call from her the very next day only to hear her brag about her new iPad (boundary #3 broken).
Love addicts (and I'm not so sure this friend of mine is even a love addict--probably co-dependent) have this sick, unhealthy belief that if we cut someone off, ignore them, block them, refuse to talk to them, that we are doing something wrong. We're not being Christian. We're not being neighborly or caring. And yet, by letting them in, we are essentially hurting ourselves, emotionally and otherwise.
There is nothing wrong with having boundaries or blocking someone from your life. It's called protection. It's called having a filter system. If Charles Manson walked up to your door step, would you let him in?
I would hope not. ANd yet, we do it every day with the people in our lives.People have to EARN the right to be let into my life. Because I care about myself I make sure that not just anybody can come in. It's called a boundary.
It pains me to see other people who do not yet realize that boundaries are a great way of protecting oneself. So, once again...I'm spreading the word: keep up those boundaries! It's not about letting no one in; it's about only letting good, kind, caring people in, who share your same values. And if you cannot yet tell who's good and kind as opposed to who isn't, it's time to learn (but that's a future post!)
