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Post by runrunrun on Apr 5, 2011 20:40:07 GMT -8
Posting this here and in the withdrawal forum because I feel like this forum is my home forum, if that makes any sense.
In a train wreck sort of fashion I broke up with him tonight. It wasnt planned that way. I first tried to talk to him about how we can get things back to the way they were when they were good. He was not receptive. All the things I wanted changed he argued about. All the reasons I explained for how I felt he invalidated.
Turns out he is not one of those people who you can ask to do things differently because in his eyes he is doing everything right. I was up against a brick wall. So I gave up. Its just as well though. I wanted out. I want time for myself and my kids. I dont want to get married and I am not ready to have sex with someone yet.
He is not what I want and it doesnt make sense to try to change him.
Let the withdrawals begin. I am hoping they arent bad. I had pulled back so much in this relationship anyhow that he wasnt really much more to me than someone to hang out with. We had no emotional connection left.
RUnrunrun
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Post by tizzy on Apr 6, 2011 6:15:11 GMT -8
Sounds like you did the right thing. He sounds emotionally unavailable as all get out. No use trying to work with that. We cannot change or control people, only ourselves. His loss!
*hugs to you*
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Apr 6, 2011 6:55:03 GMT -8
It was great to hear how well you took care of yourself. It's great that you recognized this and you new it wasn't something that you could tolerate. This is so recovery.....hugs to you.....
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Post by melodyrose on Apr 6, 2011 9:37:07 GMT -8
Hi Run,
I felt compelled to write to your post. I have been following your struggle with this relationship and I wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you. I know you have been on the fence for quite some time and you took action which takes courage. He really did give you all the answers you needed such as his oblivion against hearing you and his inability to look within to help "you" his partner thrive. If you stayed you would continue receiving exactly what he is capable of giving and you realize that isn't enough. That is growth and recovery and standing on your own.
Please don't second guess yourself. Sometimes relationships have expiration dates. Take care and feel your feelings that come up. Don't be surprised if "Now" he decides to hear you and try to change but it usually will only be temporary. Take care of that sweet girl inside until then and love your kids now.
Your Friend,
Melodyrose
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Post by brooklynberry on Apr 6, 2011 12:44:03 GMT -8
good for you. It must be breakup season.
I have a lot of friends in recovery in break ups.
There is nothing more impressive, more strong, than a sober, sane, breakup.
It's SO inspiring.
congrats on putting you first!
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 6, 2011 13:21:20 GMT -8
I think it is breakup season too. I know a few people going through it too.
THank you all for your replies and support!
When I intended to break up with him I wanted to keep him as a friend as I still respect him and enjoy hanging out with him. Right now I am not sure that can happen. Maybe in the distant future. As for now I just need time for my kids and to destress.
The more I think of it the more unsuitable he is for me. Now that i am out of the relationship my thoughts are clearer and I can see more reasons why this had to end.
Melody, I understand what you say about 'giving what he is capable'. Thats all he has to offer. I once read that a relationships going bad will never be better than it was when it was at its best. When we were at our best there were still issues. But because i was in full fledged addiction I ignored them.
My 15 year old daughter will be greatly relieved when I tell her.
Runrunrun
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 6, 2011 13:28:36 GMT -8
RRR : - Well done! Don't look back. It's done. It's over. Your life has just begun. Listen to the dawn chorus - it is the most wonderful sound you will ever hear, the best orchestra in the world.
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Post by reinventmyself on Apr 6, 2011 15:30:24 GMT -8
I once read that a relationships going bad will never be better than it was when it was at its best.
Thanks for reminding me of this. .I read it in that book `too good to leave, too bad to stay'
I needed to ask myself `if at it's VERY BEST was the relationship ever that good? If the answer is NO then you can't expect it to be any better than as it was at it's best.
I almost dropped the book. . because honestly . . it never was that good.
I had a moment when listening to my son vacilate about his relationship at the time. They continuely had the same issues come up over and over. I gave him some advise about waiting for someone to change.
Too bad I couldn't even act on my own advise. .
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 7, 2011 3:46:24 GMT -8
reinvent, that was the same book I read. Even though I answered No to that question I went on and read the remainder of the book. It helped me figure out two relationships that were going bad. THis last one I got all the way to the end and it asked if we had two different life plans. And that answer was yes. I plan to move to my home state. He plans to remain here forever. I hate it here and have very little family here. And he has kids and grandkids here so he will never leave.
Last night was rough. I felt good all day. Then I found out he changed his facebook status. That was no big deal. The big deal was it was posted on his facebook, of which we have many common friends, who are now asking me whats going on. I was not prepared to answer these questions yet or to announce the breakup. Now I am forced into it. Facebook is so damaging. People dont think about the far reaching damages of their posts before they post them.
I hope today is better. I just need to get him off my mind.
Runrunrun
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Post by reinventmyself on Apr 7, 2011 8:27:16 GMT -8
Keep up the good work Run!
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 7, 2011 15:30:25 GMT -8
days are good. I keep busy and keep my mind off of it. Nights are slow and my mind wanders and I start regretting my decision to end it. Then I start wondering what he's doing and if I should call him. I am online now keeping myself busy so I dont call him. Or so my mind doesnt wander off into forbidden areas. This sucks.
On top of it my stomach hurts and my daughter is sick. I sound whiney. Sorry. Just venting.
Runrunrun
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Post by soulseeker on Apr 7, 2011 19:53:48 GMT -8
dear runrunrun,
oh run, I am sorry you ended your relationship. I do support your decision completely. It was the right one. You will struggle to find out that you can take care of yourself and family, but it will be a healthy result. It sucks to be a love addict, but you are too smart to stay with the wrong person. You may even begin to feel relieved of the role you were playing and feel free and joyful again. I did.
You are in my thoughts.
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Lolita
New Member
"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path"
Posts: 24
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Post by Lolita on Apr 8, 2011 9:50:34 GMT -8
Good for you for being strong!
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 8, 2011 13:28:08 GMT -8
Thanks you guys. No contact starts today.
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 10, 2011 13:28:05 GMT -8
Keep it up RRR. I´m off my addictive energy sucker for 29 complete days now. Yes, it is painful, but, I have kept notes and the association with her simply fails to add up. Instinct tells one a lot. Often though, the addiction tricks us into ignoring the correctness of our instinct.
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 10, 2011 15:41:45 GMT -8
Thanks Brainhealth. What ways does it not add up? I feel similar. All these reasons for breaking up keep coming into my memory. It makes sense that I left him. Wish I wouldnt obsess about what he is doing.
Runrunrun
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 11, 2011 12:59:48 GMT -8
RRR 1)This is s (close ) Friendship . I must have been in her house at least 20-30 times at this stage. Not once has she been in mine.
2) She calls - I talk with her - I call, she can rerely talk
3) Often when she calls - she has been drinking (at 10:30) at night
4) She rarely returns calls, texts from me.
5) Most of the communication from her is "Dumping"
Need any more examples. Still,after all that, I luv her to bits!!!!! Im a junkie!!!!!!!
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 11, 2011 18:19:36 GMT -8
Brainhealth, sounds like a narcissist to me. These lists do help. I was in a really bad relationship once and not sure if I should have gotten out. So I was advised to make a list like yours. One whole page of why I didnt like him and one or two lines of what I liked about him. That was an eye opener in black and white right before my eyes. Sometimes seeing it on paper helps our brains work it all out.
runrunrun
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 12, 2011 2:43:56 GMT -8
RRR: not the first time I have labeled her narcissist - perhaps a mix between narcissist and seductive withholder. Still, on day 31 of NC. Is that not just wonderful!!! I think my list would be 1 page bad and a few lines good.
Keep the faith RRR and never look back - keep forward focussed..
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 12, 2011 2:58:31 GMT -8
Good job Brainhealth with your NC. And I just have to chime in here. I think in the beginning stages it kinda helps to analyze the PoA and figure out what they are (narcissist or SW), but in the long run, it only matters what they are in so much as helping you recognize who you are. Water seeks its own level. If we are attracted to narcissists, it's because we're either narcissists ourselves or we feel as though we have no identity. Do either of those apply to you? And how can you address them at this time in your life?
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 12, 2011 12:27:44 GMT -8
Lovely June: that´s quite a challanging statement. Am I a narcissist? Have I an identity? I got a ping when I read what you asked. Yes, I do have an identity issue - yes, all my life. Im not quite sure who I am. I constantly reinvent myself. Am I narcissist? I must review the definitions.
Lovely June; thank you for escalating the challange to me. I am in counselling at present and whilst I will raise this in my next session, the questions you asked can only be answered by me and me alone.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 12, 2011 13:15:44 GMT -8
So true! Only you know the answer. But sometimes you have to ask.  |
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