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Post by nvr2late on May 2, 2011 11:56:29 GMT -8
First let me thank Susan Peabody (butterflygirl) for her excellent book Addiction to Love! I'm about halfway through and it's helping me SO much.
So I'm zeroing in on the parts of me that are broken and trying to sort through all the recovery information I have from here, from other books, and RN. In order to make the most headway, I guess knowing which L or SA I have is a good idea.
For now I think I'm best plugged into the Relationship Addict peg.
I've read and understand the PoA idea and was sort of thinking...gee, that just doesn't really sound like me so much.
Now I know why. I was/am more addicted to the RELATIONSHIP/marriage than to him.
You see, I didn't love him when we married. Charmed, yes. In love, no. He looked "good on paper" and I'd been single and dating as a divorced mother of one for about 8 yrs when he walked into my life.
He was the third guy in the space of about a month, who wanted a serious relationship with me. The first two just didn't have what I wanted (sounds like Match.com or something doesn't it? LOL). I knew what I wanted: marriage to a stable non-addict, a loving, financially secure Christian man who didn't have the sexy Bad Boy attributes I always fell helplessly in love with over and over again.
My motto when I met my husband back in 1988 was "Love Sucks" and I meant it. I'd just completed group therapy lasting about 6 months of "Women Who Love Too Much". I knew the "type" I needed to avoid, so when T. came on the scene, and was the opposite of every man I'd been involved with AND was clearly and very quickly in love with me (so I thought), I convinced myself that at last, my prayers had been answered.
He proposed to me within 2 months of us dating, although we'd been "sort of friends" for about 4 months at that point.
I wanted what he offered so badly (financial security, a caring dad for my daughter and he treated me like a queen) that I didn't much care that he didn't ring my chimes. He was nice, kind, gentle, caring, and crazy in love with me. So we married.
When things began going bad within a month's time (another story for another time), I was shocked and scared. I couldn't believe I'd made yet another bad decision. But I was determined to work it though. I mean, how many times do you get married and divorced, really?? This was husband #3.
Turned out he was an alcoholic with MAJOR communication issues and things never really got better. We had major family issues around his son (they were recently widowed/orphaned by a double murder suicide of mother and oldest son by the son) and severely traumatized. The remaining boy, my new step-son, developed some very bad issues, needless to say. And my husband, his dad, wasn't very good at handling them.
Anyway, I could write a book on what's happened in my marriage the past 22 yrs...as they say "you can't make this stuff up!".
But at any rate, I'll admit that inside my head many thousands of times I had this conversation:
"OMG!!! I can't stand this another minute. I have to get out of here!"
"What will I do for money? What if I can't afford to live alone and pay all my own bills?"
"Strike 3, you're out. What will the relatives and our friends at church at church say?"
"I hate being alone. I don't know if I can handle being alone...night after night after night...." <insert note here: I was raped one night back in 1987 so had that PTDS going on for years>
"Why should I be the one who has to pack and leave and go into financial ruin just because HE has issues and won't work on them?"
"I'm just going to stay here and make the best of it. I'll get my close friends to pray harder that something turns around soon before I lose it..."
And so I'd stay. I couldn't give up financial security, couldn't face friends and family if I divorced yet another guy. I wanted the security and comfort of my home and someone to take out the trash, pay the bills and cut the grass and let me play with my own income the way I wanted to.
Did I love him? Sometimes I did. I grew to love the good side of him. He wasn't a monster, although the older we've gotten and the more I've done recovery work on myself, the more disordered he and our marriage appear to me to be.
Way too much of the time, I didn't feel love for him at all. I actively hated him too often, and it was tearing me apart. It's gotten so bad in the past couple of years that I just was holding out for him to die so I could finally just be a respectable widow, rather than a divorcee again.
And that's why I think I'm a RA.
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Post by LovelyJune on May 3, 2011 2:09:05 GMT -8
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on May 3, 2011 4:47:14 GMT -8
Hello Nvr2late,
I was not in any kind of a relationship except a booty call with a guy for 6 years and a really abusive 2 year 'thing ' I was mostly miserable in.
So at 30 when I met myex husband I thought it was a perfect timing.....After a month or so I saw Red Flags...and kept thinking I could fix them. Fix them on my own because he was a narcissist that "never did anything wrong or needed to change"
I was so angry all the time!It was Like i had an an internal volcano and I would just erupt on myself... (I became pregnant within 3 months and became feeling dependant on him)
He left me at 6 years together... Within a year I could see what a gift that was.
So I'm glad your out of it now. It's never too late to have a Happy Life!
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Post by tizzy on May 3, 2011 5:50:28 GMT -8
nvr2late, I can relate to so many of the things you said would go through your head during your marriage. I had many of the same thoughts when I was with my most recent ex. I was a single mom, he made good money and took care of a lot of the bills. H wasn't abusive and seemed like a good guy on paper. But he had another side that wasn't so great. I was torn. Life with him was very financially comfortable for me, and I figured, well things could be worse, at least he doesn't cheat (that I knew of) or beat me. But he did drink a lot and was hard to communicate with. He got very mean and disrespectful when we argued. We weren't compatible with a lot of things (ie going out, visiting family, spending habits, etc). I loved him, but he said he didn't love me but he thought that with time he would. So I figured well why not just stay until he falls in love with me. I was with him 2.5 yrs when I finally saw the light and realized nothing would ever change and he wasn't worth any more of my time.
Walking away from these kinds of people and relationships is the best thing we can do for ourselves. It gives us freedom to handle our own life. I now realize that I only stayed with him b/c I was so scared of having to take care of myself, even though I'd done so just fine in the past and was more than capable of providing a good life for me and my child. It's like I let my addiction to him and the relationship paralyze me and bulldoze my self-esteem. THank God we're out of our situations, nvr2late.
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Post by tizzy on May 3, 2011 5:52:20 GMT -8
Wanted to add that I too despised my ex at times. When I would see the downright ugly side to him (like the utter disrespect and hate he had towards his mother and sometimes women in general it seemed), it was so disgusting to watch. But then things would get a little better and I'd be all love and butterflies again, with my brain totally glossing over the ugliness it just witnessed from that man.
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Post by tizzy on May 3, 2011 5:52:35 GMT -8
It's amazing how powerful our minds are.
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Post by reinventmyself on May 3, 2011 11:43:01 GMT -8
Thank you for reposting LJ,
Since my divorce 10 years ago I can see with clearer focus now that I have tried to force myself to care for someone more than I honestly did, just for the sake of getting to be IN a relationship.
When I began to feel the ambivilance I would stir up drama so I would end up in an insecure position and then in turn want him more.
I can see how doing this over and over reinforced not only my bad behavoir , but the relationship as well.
I was in love with the relationship or the idea of it.. not the man.
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Post by nvr2late on May 4, 2011 14:15:45 GMT -8
LovelyJune, that blog post is SO right on. There are a few of the latter traits that we had, and I guess that's how this marriage lasted 22 yrs. But most of the first list were there, for sure. Interesting point about the breath thing!
To be honest, my feelings would jump back and forth between those lists. So I guess I was REALLY ambivalent, LOL!!
Tizzy, my goodness....we had so much in common didn't we?
Healing Ku'uipo, "internal volcano" - very apt description! I used to have arguments inside my head all the time. It was never safe to tell him what he was doing to hurt me so I had to content myself with stuffing my feelings and having Fantasy Fights.
I ended up with cancer, and I truly believe all that stuffed emotion over the years contributed.
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Post by nvr2late on May 4, 2011 14:18:02 GMT -8
I also wanted to say that he just came by a little while ago to pick up the lawn mower (we are currently sharing custody). He called first to let me know he was coming over to get it. I really was *sorta* busy, but I didn't go to the door to wait for him, and now I see that he has been here. I didn't see or talk to him.
I consider this progress :-)
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Post by melsoul on Jul 15, 2011 15:50:15 GMT -8
Somehow with my last POA I was a crazy mix of RA, avoidant and now torchbearer. I still have trouble finding the "slot" for it. My feelings of limerence were limited, but my attachment to him was strong. I genuinely cared for him and loved many of his qualities very much, but I wasn't attracted to him physically. But we bonded like two people clinging to each other for life support, and became extremely emotionally close quickly. My feelings were somewhere between friendship and full-fledged romantic love. I had deep attachment feelings, great admiration, and we were very compatible in our interests and values. I used to imagine us together as a married couple, but not having sex, can you believe that? The whole thing was so weird. And I had some of the signs that LJ described in her blog about ambivalence--sometimes I was repulsed by him, and other times I desperately wanted to be around him. I felt weaker in his presence, like a child, but safe and warm sometimes and suffocated sometimes. And now that we haven't seen each other in two years, I've become some kind of torchbearer, believing in a fantasy that we were soul mates. Looking back, i can see ways he tried to manipulate me into a romantic relationship, did some "fast forwarding" and showed signs of being a raging love addict himself, setting the stage for me to be avoidant and conflicted and eventually run for the hills. See how this whole thing defies categories? I've just about given up trying to define or understand because I don't. I'm just trying to face my feelings, be in my current reality and turn it over to my Higher Power.
Just wanted to explain because it still confuses the heck out of me.
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Post by nvr2late on Jul 16, 2011 7:19:50 GMT -8
 WOW Melsoul, our stories are so similar it's eerie! I seem to be moving into a whole new phase of being, for me. I don't want any men around, period. I don't mind spending some light and comfortable time once or twice a week with my Ex, but even that, the last couple of times has left me feeling like "What IS the point?" I dabbled lightly in some online dating, went out on a couple Meet & Greets with a couple guys who just totally turned me off. I don't know if I'm looking for something that doesn't exist, or if I'm not really looking, or if I'm not ready, or if I just haven't met a good man lately. Or a combination of all the above. At any rate, I'm done with that for a while. Back to pulling in, working on my 12 Steps and reading everything I can get my hands on in terms of self help, recovery, healing from emotional abuse, and etc. I read something a couple nights ago that has further enforced this feeling in me. Actually, I seem to keep running into descriptions of my Ex (in S-Anon literature, in a couple of other places like Baggage Reclaim) that are just appalling! They are so true. And I'm realizing that he just cannot be in my life in any significant way now. I can only suppose that this is part of recovery. Maybe my withdrawal phase is mostly over, and that I can finally see this man for who he really is? I'm beginning to think HE is RA too the way he's acting lately. 
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Post by melsoul on Jul 16, 2011 13:25:10 GMT -8
@nvr: really? Somebody can relate to my convoluted story and weird experience?? Wow! I have felt like such a weirdo sometimes. Was it like that with your ex?
Whenever anyone can relate to any part of my experience, it really helps.
Reading your story above, I can relate to quite of it, and tizzy's too. I really am not alone!
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RoseNadler
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Post by RoseNadler on Apr 25, 2019 6:51:34 GMT -8
Thank you for reposting LJ, Since my divorce 10 years ago I can see with clearer focus now that I have tried to force myself to care for someone more than I honestly did, just for the sake of getting to be IN a relationship. When I began to feel the ambivilance I would stir up drama so I would end up in an insecure position and then in turn want him more. I can see how doing this over and over reinforced not only my bad behavoir , but the relationship as well. I was in love with the relationship or the idea of it.. not the man. This could be a perfect description of my first marriage. I was recently out of a live-in relationship with an emotionally abusive bf, when a friend introduced me to a man who would become my first husband. I had been through hell, and I was also nearly 30 and afraid I’d be alone forever. Ex-H was stable, good-looking, and devoted to me. I wasn’t quite feeling it for him. But at that point, I didn’t trust my own judgment about men. I actually felt rather bored with him; we didn’t have many common interests and couldn’t have a good conversation. But he treated me so much better than the guys I was usually attracted to. So I got married, and within a year, I was involved with a POA online. This man was intelligent (had written a book) and a good conversationalist. Those things were very much lacking in my marriage, because I underestimated how much those things mattered to me. I ended up meeting this POA IRL and I slept with him. My H found out a few years later (our marriage was already rocky by then) and he was devastated. I’m still ashamed of this. But mostly I regret marrying him in the first place. We just weren’t a good match, but because I didn’t want to be alone forever, I married him anyway. |
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WOW Melsoul, our stories are so similar it's eerie!
