|
Post by hurt2heal on May 9, 2011 19:16:14 GMT -8
I think the hardest part for me since my breakup was the feeling of rejection. I question myself, sometimes daily, on how some one could be so cruel and mean. I was in a relationship for several years, then out of no where was told I'm not happy so I'm out. I have never got any other clearer answer than that. He will show up from time to time and still I get no emotion, almost treated as if I am just a name more than a person who played a role in his life for so long. On top of all of it, I was blamed for being needy, and I am a firm believer that you are not needy unless you are not getting what you need. Hence I was in a unhealthy relationship. I have tortured myself for things I could have done different, but in the end I do not think it would have ever changed. He has moved on to a new relationship and all the things he said he did not want he now does, which makes me go back to questioning myself. How do you stop the questions, realize it does not matter what others think, and think of yourself as a great person? They say water seeks its own level and at times I'm jealous because he hasn't changed and is still doing very naive things but has found a good person. UGGG...Ok I know that I need to not worry about him. Another step that has been hard for me. How does everyone else deal with a sense of rejection?
|
|
|
Post by dorkestbeforedawn on May 9, 2011 19:53:37 GMT -8
For me, the act of breaking up, whatever the reason isn't what hurts. It is being without her and all of those times that we had so much awesome fun. Right now, we would normally be drinking beer and watching something funny, or playing games on her wii
Instead, I am here at my place, pondering the fact that her heart is completely closed to me forever, and that I was never in it and never would have been. The rejection, for me, is what goes on inside that person when they just don't care, and for me it took place every day for the last couple of weeks. I guess I am glad that I don't have to face it directly anymore, but in my mind it is just as sharp.
|
|
|
Post by spiritofjoy on May 9, 2011 20:01:02 GMT -8
Check out www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/. I found this site and the baggage reclaim site with its almost daily emails along with it to be immensely helpful. You are questioning yourself because you knew something was wrong. You know the answers are already within you. I know a lot of help that does right now. I was rejected left by my husband of 15 years. It is easy to turn it into a victim story but mine isn't that. I see it as a new chance. My POA was someone from high school. I thought I loved him for the past 25 years, turns out he was an ass clown and only contacting me for an ego stroke or because he knew I was available. Strength comes from within. There are so many good resources here and baggage reclaim and if you are brave enough to find a 12 step group it might help. I felt so rejected I couldn't sstuffe myself off the floor with a spatula. It is a daily process. I am better than i was in February but the pain is still there just not as much.
|
|
|
Post by hurt2heal on May 10, 2011 12:14:46 GMT -8
Well I can relate to contacting you to stroke their own ego. That is exactly what my ex has done. I need to learn strengthh from within. I agree that I always knew something was not right in the relationship but choose to always try to fix tbings. You cant change people, that is on them. I have had to learn that tbe hard way though and will continue on this path if I do not change. Thank you for the website!
|
|
|
Post by brooklynberry on May 10, 2011 12:16:08 GMT -8
words from someone who has been at this for a while= give it time. forever is a big word. I thought I was going to die when my husband left me. I attempted suicide, I couldn't function. I Moved across the country to live w my parents.
5 years later I am getting married to the most awesome guy ever and our relationship is better than I could have ever imagined. THANK GOD we split!
So you know, you can't see the bigger picture here.
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on May 10, 2011 13:16:45 GMT -8
On top of all of it, I was blamed for being needy, and I am a firm believer that you are not needy unless you are not getting what you need. Hence I was in a unhealthy relationship. We stay in unhealthy relationships because we simply don't think we can do any better for ourselves. And to compensate, we start demanding that they change or give more. But they can't. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you and he just didn't work out. Not because there's something wrong with you, not because there's something wrong with him. You two didn't work out because you both probably work out much better with other people. I am one way with person A, but I am another way with person B. It's the same in love. You can love someone; they can love you, but it still won't work. There's no deep mystery. And he may not exactly have found a better person, just a "right" person. You were not right. And let's be honest, HE WASN'T RIGHT FOR YOU EITHER. Stay focused on that. Here's some reading too, because the same happened to me: thelovelyaddict.com/2008/10/16/falling-a-part/thelovelyaddict.com/2008/10/17/goals-after-the-break-up/(anything around Oct, Nov. Dec 2008 is good reading on this topic)
|
|
|
Post by dorkestbeforedawn on May 10, 2011 13:43:53 GMT -8
So, you are saying that just because this girl doesn't want me, doesn't mean that I am a stuffpy person. I can be awesome and we are just a bad fit.
|
|
|
Post by reinventmyself on May 10, 2011 14:32:00 GMT -8
having been through the same thing.. . your self esteme takes an incredible hit. It literally feels like you crawl back out of a hole. And no matter how much I knew intellectually that his not wanting me was not a reflection of who I was it was close to impossible to make that sense of painful personal failure go away. 4 1/2 mo's and counting. My esteme is intact. .or at least where it was before him, yet alittle bit better, alittle bit stronger. You never can imagine it in the moment but you may be thankful for the lessons learned. It shouldn't have to hurt so darn much but it you are sure not to forget it. I honestly thank him now for doing what I didn't have the courage to do. (however I don't appreciate the way he handled it ) We were not right for each other and I told my friends and my mother this long before he ended it. With time you will gain objectivity and some clarification. It never seems to come as fast as we may want it to. Happyberry is right. . it just takes some time. In the meantime be kind to yourself.
|
|
|
Post by hurt2heal on May 10, 2011 20:06:29 GMT -8
I do see that the hurt is something that I need to handle and deal with my self esteem issues. My counselor asked me "If he were to come back and say he was so sorry for everything and he really screwed up, would it really make you feel better?" I would love to think so, but really would it? Probably not. That's why my focus needs to stop on what was done to me, let go of the hurt, guilt, rejection, etc. Wasted emotions that only hurt ME. I know it won't be an easy road, but this is my best option that will lead me to great things and the right person for me! I feel so great about the process when I have people on here who have been through those things and have recovered. I have to ask though, during those "dark times" what is the best piece of advice you can give?
|
|
|
Post by brooklynberry on May 10, 2011 20:40:49 GMT -8
check out the withdrawal postings. go to meetings, start sharing. focus on YOU. Not the you ruminating on this break up but the you one level deeper. what is REALLY missing in your life?
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on May 11, 2011 2:28:15 GMT -8
@dorkest: YEs. That's exactly what I mean. hurt2heal: It's your ego that says "he did these horrible things to me," but in reality, nothing was done to you. People move away from other people and break up for the simple fact that they tried, but failed and know it's the best thing to do. Don't take this personally. As for getting through the dark times, it's hard. You have to keep busy. You have to force yourself to reign in dark thoughts. When you start to move in that direction, quick, catch yourself. WATCH LOTS OF COMEDY. You are control. You can make choices: wallow in mysery, or work it out. Your success is based on your ability to readapt to the world and make the best of your current situation. Read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. There are people that survive concentration camps where all their families have been put to death and they go on to live viable, positive lives. You can do it too.
|
|
|
Post by hurt2heal on May 11, 2011 5:15:14 GMT -8
Unfortuently I live in a small community that does not have meetings but I have started to go to a counselor. I think I've allowed myself to be in these dark times for a long time, and is almost always there. LovelyJune - How do you get your ego to shut up!? Lol Thank you for the comments. I am going to now put those things into action. HappyBerry - I think I've wanted a "family of my own" so when the relationship ended I threw that dream away with it. Which is not true, but I was being dramtic for lack of better words. I want positive relationships in my life (any relationship does not mean romantic). I at times feel more alone or with people who truely bring me down.
|
|
|
Post by brooklynberry on May 11, 2011 8:16:32 GMT -8
Hurt- great! So you're really mourning the lack of family. I get this, totally. The problem was I was chasing totally unavailable people, etc. It was really my own doing.
So what are POSITIVE steps you can take towards working on you so that in the future you can have your own family.
BTW I have a friend who is having a child on her own at age 42. It's totally amazing and inspiring.
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on May 11, 2011 8:18:42 GMT -8
Hurt2Heal, Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy books. They will help you A LOT address negative thought patterns in your head, and fighting your ego
|
|
|
Post by Loving My Life on Aug 10, 2011 4:57:59 GMT -8
Myself I hate being rejected, it makes me feel like I have failed, this stems from childhood also. But iam learning as painful as it is sometimes, its for the best. I knew in my gut my POA was not good for me. I guess I wanted to play the victim role. I had to start saying to myself when someone rejects me, "God did not want those people in my life, and he will put 5 more in there place". So Iam trying to turn a negative into a positive. ;-)
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Oct 27, 2011 13:34:04 GMT -8
I try not to compare. His life has nothing to do with yours now. It reminds me of a very wise quote I read here. 'when I compare I despair'.
RRR
|
|