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Post by Freetolive on Jun 1, 2011 18:26:44 GMT -8
Where did you start when you decided to change and started to love yourself and not seek out a relationship or one night stand, etc?
I feel like somethings wrong. I mean, I don't know where to start to start enjoying my life. Heck i get lonely. I think I have to have someone special in my life. It's sick thinking I know. I can a few people I know and see how they are doing, I go see friends, but when i get home, it's like, "ok, what's next?" I know this sort of thinking is what drives me to looking for someone to spend time with.
It pisses me off to be this way. It's like I say "f*ck this sh*T." I ask myself "But what am I gonna do?"
I'm in my third semester of Radiology Technician and that doesn't give me any excitement either. It's more like a shore. I've had friends tell me God has placed you in this schooll, he will help you through it. I don't know.
I can get along with folks at school. But when I get home, by myself, all these doubts start. Then i start thinking about acting out, how good it would feel to go to bed with someone. But I know the hell that will follow emotionally. I tell myself, just keep things in order. LOL. That's never been possible.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jun 2, 2011 8:56:25 GMT -8
I can relate with what you are sharing....we also made a thread on the same day called self-love..there no co instances.Don't be so hard on yourself...i do my best to stay on these boards and read and learn....journa...l write ... make calls....go to meetings...and now i am walking in the park...going to the gym and enjoying the water....i bought some plants yesterday and i will take the time to nurture me and my plants and God is with me.....all at the same time...i do give myself breaks from my homework,,,recovery...dating sites...and just do other things...that make me feel good...i ironed a dress that i am going to wear today....little tiny things...will grow bigger and bigger...and more and more...Sun )) keep posting on here....
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jun 2, 2011 10:24:16 GMT -8
Patience has never been my strong point...but I am learning to love my life as is. Right now. And if I am the only one in the room...Right now... then I get my attention. Try to keep it simple.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 2, 2011 11:10:55 GMT -8
freetolive, I've felt like that too. I started recovery back in late Jan/early Feb, and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that the urge to hang out w/ a man started to go away. I've posted on here about it. I used to get this intense urge to just be around a guy, smell him, have him hold me, go out, get all cute for one.
What's helped me is setting goals and working on them. I've found that by the time I'm done focusing on me and my child, and spending time with loved ones and friends and doing things I enjoy, I have very little time and energy left to devote to some random guy.
And funny enough, the urge to be around a guy started lifting as well. Two months ago I was looking forward to the end of my 3-month countdown to my self-imposed man hiatus. I thought I couldn't wait to date again! Now that those 3 months have come and gone, I'm actually extending it, probably at least another 2-3 months. I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm enjoying focusing on myself and getting my self straight. Building my self-love and my self-esteem, and working on being the embodiment of the values and boundaries I've set for myself.
I do still have slip-ups in my thoughts sometimes, but I have the willpower to not act out, and I haven't. I haven't acted out in over 3 months. The more you resist those urges, the easier it becomes to fight them. Whenever I would get the urge to call a guy, I'd go kiss my baby goodnite instead, or find something good to watch on tv. Or I'd come online and read this site or one of my other favorites-Baggage Reclaim (that site is a true mood-killer! but in a good way lol) I'd do whatever I could to distract myself from feeling horny and lonely. And I also try to remember the HALT acronym referred to on here (Am I hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?) Usually it's one of those 4 things, and if I can nip the underlying trigger in the bud, I eliminate the urge itself.
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Post by Freetolive on Jun 2, 2011 12:59:05 GMT -8
talked with a friend (from NA) today about all that I've been going through. She said lately I've seemed to obsessed with myself and getting better. That I ought to get involved with more service work. That it takes time to get better. I guess I agree, but i also know that i need to keep the focus on me. I know that I'm very impatient. She thinks I'm trying to rush things. But I know I have to start loving myself better.
I have to be honest. Today, before I knew if, I asked a lady to the movies. After that I realized it may not be a good thing at this time. She already seems obsessed. I guess I can cancel it. Oh well.
Thanks for all the replies. i need to focus on my school, keeping my house clean, working in the yard, if I want to go to the movies but not alone, I can take one of my friends kids.
I guess I still want to be held or have sex. It's sick. I must love myself and not give into something like such. Quick sex usually causes me to not trust.
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mambo
Full Member
Posts: 111
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Post by mambo on Jun 2, 2011 18:46:37 GMT -8
freetolive, definitely keep the focus on yourself. Its good to get involved in things as long as you don't lose yourself in activities. One thing I'm learning about myself is that I've used other things such as sports and hobbies etc to avoid myself.
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Post by dorkestbeforedawn on Jun 2, 2011 18:51:00 GMT -8
Yeah. I inadvertently set up 1 date before I joined here and 1 after. And flirting? It's my first language. English is a close second. When I am not in obsession mode, anyway. I don't even realize I'm doing it! My sis says I get "love eyes" when I meet an intriguing woman. Gonna have to judge reactions every time I talk, to eliminate that stuff? Lol
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Post by Freetolive on Jun 3, 2011 2:03:30 GMT -8
freetolive, definitely keep the focus on yourself. Its good to get involved in things as long as you don't lose yourself in activities. One thing I'm learning about myself is that I've used other things such as sports and hobbies etc to avoid myself. I agree. Service work is great stuff, but I see so many people hide behind it. I used too. Today I want to be able to love me. I have thought about going to the county jail here and taking a NA meeting, but that's about as far as I have taken it so far. Thanks guys. I'm glad i found somewhere to post where others understand my struggles, to you guys, I'm truly grateful! "Yeah. I inadvertently set up 1 date before I joined here and 1 after. And flirting? It's my first language. English is a close second. When I am not in obsession mode, anyway. I don't even realize I'm doing it! My sis says I get "love eyes" when I meet an intriguing woman. Gonna have to judge reactions every time I talk, to eliminate that stuff? Lol" So true, so true! I'm a flirt just waiting to happen! LOL I must be careful. Read more: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=loveesteem&action=post&thread=9230"e=65747&page=1#ixzz1OCpFnrkk
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Post by tizzy on Jun 3, 2011 5:48:40 GMT -8
freetolive and dork, I found writing out my bottom line behaviors helpful for me in terms of avoiding them. I'm at a point now where I think about them in my head whenever I feel the urge to act out. And I also wrote out what happened in my life as a result of me acting out in the past. I think about that too when I want to act out. That usually nips it in the bid b/c I so do NOT want to go there again. I just try to keep focusing on my light at the end of the tunnel, which is living an emotionally healthier, more balanced way of life. When I think about the emotional turmoil and chaos acting out could cause me, it makes acting out seem much less appealing.
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Post by Freetolive on Jun 30, 2011 15:09:08 GMT -8
I did some self love today. Went to therapy. Hoping for the best!
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jun 30, 2011 15:28:28 GMT -8
All VERY HELPFUL thank-you for sharing. It IS hard to just focus on getting well, and that seems like one of the clues that trying to meet someone from that place is not a good idea. Because if I was healthy it wouldn't feel hard to be alone. In the past whenever I read about people who loved to spend masses of time on their own I would be absolutely stumped about how they could really enjoy that. Now it's one of my recovery goals. What I'm aiming at is whenever I realise that I'm feeling lonely, instead of filling it up with something, or someone, to take a moment to just feel it. I've found that sometimes I can just suddenly connect with this ball of grief in my stomach and it comes rushing up and I burst into tears. It must be odd to watch this from the outside, because it's so sudden. then it's gone and I feel completely different. More whole and loved.
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Post by Freetolive on Jun 30, 2011 18:48:09 GMT -8
Good stuff guys. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jun 30, 2011 19:30:35 GMT -8
I had to sit with all of those feelings....it was very scary ....cause all i wanted to do was run from them...and find an unavailable man.....i have been off of the dating sites for alittle over 2 weeks....and every day it gets better and better....i am doing so much more for me....finally....dont worry what u need to do next...God will direct you.....believe me..you dont have to do a thing....it will just happen .....i feel so alive again....I feel happy...i feel loved...and i feel so beautiful....and for the first time in my life..i am feeling it all from me....from God and from me...thats a miracle for me...saturday i will be going to a yoga class on the water...it will be my first time to do that....i am excited....i am taking a brief break from my studies....and i want to spend some time with my grandbabies.....and maybe i will take a ride to the shore.....what ever i want to do...someone asked me out on date...and i told them...i am dating myself....and falling in love with me...i dont want to date anyone but me.....i do have a few man friendships which is the first for me....and we go out here and there....and thats it...that feels good too.....no dysfunctional thoughts about them... i guess this is called recovery....i love it...i dont have to worry about anything...i dont have to expect anything...and i dont have to be let down.....i love ittttt........i promise u.....its guaranteed.....it will get better....just let it go...and let God....turn it over and it will turn out.....I will be going to therapy tommorrow and i will be raging .....i feel like i want to explode...wish me luck....i wish u luck....
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 1, 2011 20:58:51 GMT -8
Good luck sunfwrs4evr! I love your sharing here. I really want what you have. Freedom!!!! I have just hidden my profile on the dating site I was on.
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Post by Freetolive on Sept 5, 2011 4:13:46 GMT -8
Thanks freetolive for posting this. LOL You guys are right, it takes time. Thanks for your post.
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Post by Freetolive on Sept 5, 2011 6:55:09 GMT -8
Seems like if I could get enough sex or validation from people, I thought I would be cool and accepted. Like I wasn't good enough as who I was. I don't even know who I am at this point. It seems everything I might have done, was to get approval from people outside of me. It's like I couldn't approve of myself. All the pain from childhood carried into the teens years, so with drugs I tried to create a new me which was still seeking acceptance. Then those behaviors rolled on into my adult life and into the present. I keep telling myself I loved my ex, but a friend stated last night, that my obsession is not love. Obsession is about me. That hurt. I was like, well now what do i do? If I didn't love her! So I prayed this morning asking God for his help. I needed his guidance on how to heal and live a healthy life. I started reading my SLAA book as well. The first three steps. I hope to be able to go to a meeting tomorrow night. I thought about my ex before writing this and it actually scared me. I realized how addicted I am to her and having sex with her. I could never get enough. So scared of being around her maybe is a healthy fear. Because every time I start a conversation with her, I usually start all those obsessive thoughts. How, what, where have you been. Not the kind of man I want to be anymore. Well back to my school studies. That's one way I can show myself some love. Also by asking God for his help and guidance is very healthy for me too.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 5, 2011 7:13:30 GMT -8
thank u Jacarandagirl....for your post....i must of missed it before....the only way for me to have that freedom was to delete myself from the dating sites....its been almost 3 months...since i have been totally taken myself off of them....i think for me that if i would of hidden my profile...it would of kept me continuing to check....for me that would of been denial....so i totally got off of both of them...So how has it been working for u.... ftl....i can also relate with your post....the more i got the more i wanted....i also was very codependent and i got my love for myself at one time....threw other people....Today i can say...i get my love threw my hp first and then threw me and then everyone else....its not a 100%...but its gets closer and closer all the time....they say its not perfection....just progress....one day at a time... I have to back into the school studies...i have been putting it off all week....i didnt realize that was a way to show love to me..too.....thanks for that...i ask God also for his help and guidence and my angels...too......
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Post by Havefaith on Sept 5, 2011 7:19:58 GMT -8
I had so mixed up the feelings of love and obsession (and throw in a little compulsion, intrigue, neediness and sex into the mix) that I could no longer discern between the two. I still struggle with it -- thought I fell in love with someone -- but as I gain clarity, I ask myself was that love or was that love-addicted obsession? Again, throw those other components into the mix, and I had a mess on my hands. ONLY by stopping addictive behaviors (an absolute must, otherwise the fog cannot lift) and focusing on myself through a lens of truth and self-love am I able to heal and lose the obsessive mindset.
HaveFaith
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Post by Havefaith on Sept 5, 2011 7:24:10 GMT -8
By the way -- obsessive mindset is a classic hallmark of the love addict.
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Post by Freetolive on Sept 5, 2011 9:09:44 GMT -8
I going to try and go clean of all sexual arousal activities. See what happens. Withdrawal. Here I come.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 5, 2011 9:27:59 GMT -8
freetolive, good luck on your journey, it is hard but you have plenty of support with your 12 step group and on this forum. Obsessive thinking is creeping in my mind off and on, b/c i cant forget darn it. Withdrawals are not easy either...but we have to get thru this somehow. I feel like sometimes im trying to make myself hate my poa, and i dont hate him...i just want to stop thinking about him so much. We have to lean on God for comfort and guidance. stay busy with positive things. Being with others gets our minds off of ourselves for a minute. thx for sharing. ;-)
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Post by frenchroll on Sept 5, 2011 11:22:08 GMT -8
I am new here. I posted my first introduction on the other thread. How come I can see and understand objectively but can't help myself very well? I seem incapable to love and be there for myself. I go to yoga. I go for long walks and runs. I flyfish. On the outside I look 'normal' but I feel so alone.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 5, 2011 12:03:18 GMT -8
cfrenchroll, im new on here also, but i think it b/c we are trying to fill a void in our life, i know at times im just lonely...i hve lived with this man for 25 yrs, (sexless for 20 yrs), i lonely..but iam also a little scared to leave, and the though of dating again is also scary b/c of trust. so im going to keep sharing and posting b/c this forum has helped me alot. welcome keep posting.
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Post by sunshine on Sept 5, 2011 14:05:41 GMT -8
cfrenchroll: I'm pretty new here too. I am having a hard time loving myself also. I didn't realize that I didn't love myself until recently. It's a tough road to get to a place of self love and I am learning that it doesn't happen overnight - I wish it did, because I'm impatient Keep doing the yoga and try journaling and meditation. Those things have helped me. Be selfish and really focus on YOU during recovery.
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Sept 5, 2011 14:53:59 GMT -8
The Twelve Promises 1. I have a new sense of freedom because I am letting go of the past. 2. I am hopeful about my future relationships. 3. I can be attracted to someone without falling in love overnight, and I can fall in love without obsessing. 4. If love does overwhelm me I do not act out in addictive ways. 5. I can tell the difference between fantasies and reality. 6. I do not have to control the ones I love nor let them control me. 7. I experience relationships one at a time and I do not get involved with “unavailable” people. 8. If my basic needs are not being met, I can end my relationship. 9. I can leave anyone who is abusing me either verbally or physically. 10 I do not do for others what they should be doing for themselves. 11. I love myself as much as I love others. 12. I look to my Higher Power for strength, guidance, and the willingness to change. © Love Addicts Anonymous, 2004 www.loveaddicts.org/laahome.htmlI find lots of self love and respect in the LAA 12 Promises...
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Post by jaz1327 on Oct 3, 2011 14:34:02 GMT -8
Self Love = a Good Day; no obsessing, no self pity, no negative thoughts... the day is young, but I'm on track.
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