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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jun 22, 2011 19:15:02 GMT -8
I got a ping the other day...from my x bf....this is the one that wanted to move in with me...after us being together for 3 months....with the help from these boards...i told him...i wasnt ready.....and i could tell he wasnt happy about my answer....and eventually the communication was breaking down...and he was telling me about problems with his health....when he shut me out for like 5 days in row...i called him a few choice words....and he got even madder at me...anyway...when his lease ran out...i guess he lived in his car like he said....we stopped talking....so he emails me the other day and says....i just got back from some clinic far away and he was being treated for testicular cancer..now sure how it went from migraine headaches to that...but he said if i cared this is what has been going on....and if i wanted to talk with him great and if not he would understand...and that he hasnt found a place to live yet but he is still looking...i cried after reading the email....and then i said...no freaky way am i going to talk to him....after reading his email....it was narcissistic....it was all about him...not a word about me.....not even how r u...notta...i deserve better....and one day...God willing it will happen....I am not even interested in talking with him.....right before he hung up the phone in May of this year sometime...he said...have a nice life....i took his advice.....I can see alot of recovery....from feeling that and thinking that....thank God.....
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jun 23, 2011 6:34:26 GMT -8
thanks Paisley....it does feel awesome to know i made the right choice....as i read his email i could read the words and feel the words of lots of red flags...i think i cried...because...the addict wanted to believe it...and that he wrote this because he still cares about me....funny ....i 'll say...not a word about me....and yes very manipulative...i was really picking up good recovery signs from that email...and it was only a few words...as i step back away from this relationship that i though once existed....it was all for him to get exactly what he wanted from me....and i totally didnt see it before....and i thank God these boards were here for me...cause i could of destroyed more of my life if i had him move in with me....I really do love be alone....right now....because...i really need to recover and really be in touch with myself and love myself....i use to say that i would rather be alone than in a unhealthy relationship....and i finally mean those words....110%....Sun  |
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Post by Bo on Jun 23, 2011 8:03:15 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing your strength Sunlwrs4evr, This is exactly what I needed to read after falling for a ping from the PoA that brought me to this board. He now says he wants a new start. I hadn't talked to him since November 2010....Nothing at all, until 2 nights ago when I was the one who ping him after having 2 glasses of wine.
Now I'm going to meet him for dinner. I know it's sick, but last year, I really wanted a relationship with him. Could it be possible now? I doubt it, but I can't stop myself from going.
My answer to your subject line would be: Do Not Reply.
Easier said than done. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by overcomer on Jun 23, 2011 9:47:28 GMT -8
Good for you Sunflwrs4evr for handling it well! ; ) Yes I agree w/ Bo > "DO NOT REPLY". In my case, once I reply it's hard to get back to NC again.  |
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jun 23, 2011 10:07:58 GMT -8
thanks ....and there is no way ...i am going to reply to him....You know why.....and i truly feel this way today....i never did before...and now i can say i do.....I will not respond because...it was not him that i wanted....in the first place...since being on these boards....reading the awesome books...on love addiction and going to therapy and working with my sponsor and the 12 steps.....omg its not about what i wanted from him....because its a paradox...of me....it was me that i wanted....and all i was doing was repeating my whole entire life....as dysfunctional as it was....i can now see and recognize the truth....Bo please stop yourself...you deserve to fall in love with yourself first...what i have learned and still learning,.is the unavailable man is the illusion...especially when we are still sick and we cant stop ourselves....we can do this together...please go and do something nice for yourself....and keep posting....Are you willing to stop yourself just for an hour and then maybe 2 hrs....and then maybe just for today....let us know...we are all here for you....Sun |
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Post by Bo on Jun 24, 2011 3:53:24 GMT -8
OMG Sun, I'm in tears reading your last post. I'll try, but I don't think I can or want to back away from the PoA that brought me to this board. He said he honestly wants a real relationship, and I really believe him.
Maybe he's missed me so much since November that he'll do anything to sleep with me again...I don't know, but he seemed really sincere last night, saying he wants a real relationship. I don't know how to "test" him, and I'm always the one running away from love. I want to stop running and "be" in it for once. I want to be in real love, but I don't know what real love is.
This all started with a ping. (my ping to him) I feel sick right now. Thanks for sharing your kind words. I feel blinded to my own illness...ugh. Am I really this sick and cannot see it?
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jun 24, 2011 5:13:34 GMT -8
hi Bo....they say that those who fail the most succeed the most....i can tell u how many times...i have done the same thing over and over and over again...and always getting the same response.....if i want different i have to do different....Only time will tell...if he really wants a relationship or not...and if he does with you...then he will wait for you...and he will understand that you are taking care of yourself .....I have believe the lies of men wanting to be in relationships for real too..Guess what....Actions Speaks Louder Than Words....words mean nothing to me anymore....i am a show me girl....I know u can....you dont even have to...ask your higher power to do it for you.....You are missing yourself Bo... "I don't know how to "test" him, and I'm always the one running away from love. I want to stop running and "be" in it for once. I want to be in real love, but I don't know what real love is". Here are your words...this is your test.....this is your answer....I do the same thing...We run away from ourselves....we dont know real love...we dont know what real love is because we have never fallen in love with ourselves first...we cant give what we dont have....and that is what recovery is all about...giving to ourselves...and then in God's time not ours it will happen when its supposed to happen....for me when the sex happens ....everything else is erased....i lose my self in the love addiction...and its never enough.........You asked Am I really this sick and cannot see it.....I know you are feeling it.....just sit with it and feel it....you will and u can walk though this ....we will not die to feel our pain....keep posting....Sun |
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Post by melsoul on Jun 24, 2011 5:51:39 GMT -8
I just have one question for Bo: you refer to this person as your POA. If you have that awareness, that it's an addictive relationship, can you really go backward? You can try, but that awareness won't go away...
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Post by Bo on Jun 24, 2011 7:55:37 GMT -8
OMG, who's thread is this that I've hijacked? I'm so sorry.
This has been a breakthrough for me. I almost literally want to vomit. Sun, these words did it for me:
"We run away from ourselves....we dont know real love...we dont know what real love is because we have never fallen in love with ourselves first...we cant give what we dont have....and that is what recovery is all about."
Will I get it and keep it this time?...sob, sob, vomit, vomit! I feel so sick! Sick of me, sick of this addiction, sick of it all, sick of men, sick of M, J, and sick of O the singer! Sick sick sick!
June 24th NC begins again for me. Absolutely 100%. I'll go out on my Birthday ALONE to celebrate and start the clock over again! I actually had another "date" with the PoA tomorrow. I'm going to cancel and tell him I'm just not ready. What I won't tell him is that even if he were the right person for me to be with in a "real" relationship, I'm not ready because I don't have a clue how to love myself, much less love him.
Thank you Sun for helping me with this one! I'm back on the wagon!
Yes, Melsoul, I still felt my "addiction" when I was around the PoA last night, but somehow, I figured I could control it or something crazy and sick like that was going on in my head.
I can't do it, I was actually planning on spending the night with him tomorrow, and basically that would have pretty much flushed my recovery right down the toliet! It's not going to happen now, because I'm going to call him and cancel, Then I'm going to do what Sun, Tizzy, LJ and others have been mentioning all along...I'm going to "sit with it".
I'm going to go back into NC and I'm going to sit with me!
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Post by dorkestbeforedawn on Jun 24, 2011 8:08:30 GMT -8
Bo, you have a lot of outstanding qualities. It sounds to me like this guy doesn't remember those until you're not around. He probably DOES miss you! For now. =(
I don't think this is going to change. You know what the truth is, intellectually. Now you just have to believe it and stay cognizant.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 24, 2011 8:13:14 GMT -8
sunflwrs, your recovery is just awesome! That guy sounds like a total dirtbag. Good for you for not falling for his antics. Can you block his email address and delete it from your contact list? Perhaps that'll curtail any future emails from him.
Bo, I'm proud of you for making difficult but healthy decisions for yourself. You're focusing on YOU!! That's what we need during recovery, a total complete focus on US, no distractions. I know it's hard but you can get through this Bo!
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 11, 2011 6:23:47 GMT -8
How is it going Bo ...since that email....not why i havent come back to response to it....thanks tizzy for your feedback...i re read what i wrote and yes my recovery sounded very strong. Months later i Unfortunately i emailed him and we got back together briefly ...my mom passed away aug 3rd 2011 and i reached out for him...and then again when the hurricane irene hit us in the east coast....i just handle being alone and scared when my mom died.... Same guy....i had him test my car to see if he thought it was running funny and not starting up right...he does know cars....i had just spent over 800.00 on car repairs....and i didnt like the way it was starting up in the morning anyway.....he drive it and started it up and we went to a few places...we went to the park and as we were coming out...he swiped a large rock and did damage to my car....he told me he was sorry and he never in his 56 yrs hit anything....and he would pay for it....just go get the estimate.....and that is what i did and i mailed them to him ...cause after that we havent seen each other...i havent wanted to see him because ....to me he is unavailable...and i am not going to fall into that anymore...the problem is he said he wants to hand me the money and be my rent a car...and i said no....and he said i want total control and i want to make all the terms .....i said...look the facts are you damaged my car ..you said you would pay for it....so send me the money to pay for it....and he never did...and i still continued talking to him....and now i am pisssed because he is not sending me the money for my car.....i dont want this to continue anymore because its bothering me....we havent talked for several days...he is calling me and leaving nice messages....and i am not returning his calls....he told me he knows he lost me.....but i guess he really doesnt want to pay for the damage if he cant have me too....i know i have to walk away from this....the more days i dont talk to him the better i feel.....but i do want my car fixed the damages and rent car come to about 800.00 dollars....do i tell him one last time....or you think he will figure it out....not sure how to handle this anymore...and i really dont want to handle it....i had no damage to my car before this incident....thanksssssssss Sue |
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 11, 2011 7:28:48 GMT -8
sun, if you have insurance and can just pay your deductible and get your car repairs fixed that might be the best route. And then you dont have to ask him for anything, he should be a man and do the right thing, but ask yourself, is he really going to do that? or hold you hostage to manipulate you into getting what he wants from you. Is that really what you need for your recovery? Just giving you something to think about. Chalk it up as a lesson learned. Im sorry your hurting over this. Hugs to you Sun.
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Post by happyberry on Oct 11, 2011 7:39:21 GMT -8
I hate to say this but you will very likely never see this money.
Like Carolyn suggested, do what you can and chalk it off to a lesson.
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lostandhopeful
New Member
You'll See. Everything Will Be Ok.
Posts: 35
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Post by lostandhopeful on Oct 11, 2011 8:23:21 GMT -8
[quote author=tizzy board=bourdaries thread=9401 post=67574 Can you block his email address and delete it from your contact list? Perhaps that'll curtail any future emails from him. [/quote]
Just FYI the easiest thing to do is to set up a filter to automatically delete all mail from a certain email address. You can do this in Outlook, Gmail or most others very easily. You will never even know if that person tried to contact you. It feels great!
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 11, 2011 11:13:21 GMT -8
I'm with HB. You need to walk away and fix the car yourself.
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Post by jujube on Oct 11, 2011 18:37:09 GMT -8
Sun, you wrote:
We run away from ourselves....we dont know real love...we dont know what real love is because we have never fallen in love with ourselves first...we cant give what we dont have....and that is what recovery is all about...giving to ourselves...and then in God's time not ours it will happen when its supposed to happen....for me when the sex happens ....everything else is erased....i lose my self in the love addiction...and its never enough.........You asked Am I really this sick and cannot see it.....I know you are feeling it.....just sit with it and feel it....you will and u can walk though this ....we will not die to feel our pain....Sun
Just wanted to thank you for that. I'm printing it out to reread. It was great.
Hugs,
jules
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 11, 2011 19:27:44 GMT -8
hi carolyn...............it happened in September of this year...and i had him temporarily sand it and he used some white paint i had in the house...so its looks better....but its the first thing i see as soon as i open my door....I guess i could report it but...then my insurance will go up...then a police report will have to be made....sounds like alot of trouble..i am going to turn it over to my hp.....i really do feel better not talking with him....i hope it lasts this way.....i also think that if he was going to do the right thing he would of done it already.......
hp,....Lesson learned....no one will drive my car again but me...
lj...thanks and i am walking away...thanks
jujube....glad u re pasted it on here.....i think i will print it out too...its so my truth....you are very welcomed....i am glad it helped .....sometimes when i print it out.....and read it all the time..it helps to remember...
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 11, 2011 20:07:17 GMT -8
sun, ur probably right it might make ur insurance go up, so maybe u can save a little money @ a time and get that part painted...who knows ur HP might out a body mechanic/painter in your path, stay positive. glad ur doing ok. have a nice evening. ;-)
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 12, 2011 21:16:47 GMT -8
thank u Carolyn.....yes i agree maybe my hp will do that....the past couple of days....things have been turning around for me...and i am not doing anything....God is in charge...on monday....i really had a rough day so many things were happening and i had no idea ....how i was feeling or anything..i compulsively overate...and it been way over 3 years since that has happened....i did talk with my sponsor....and i got right back on track....
I did take many action steps to correct some of those things that were bothering me....
I wrote a food slip inventory....and wrote about what was going on with me before this incident...what was going on during this incident and where was my higher power...and then i read it to my sponsor....
I called the exterminator
My friend didnt ignore me in class again tonight
I started walking more and drinking....lotsssssssss of water
i am in touch with a nutritionst and wellness coach
i am back to my oa meetings....
I havent been taking calls from my xbf.....
I turned it all over to my hp...and i let him take care of it and he did...
the xbf is the one who damaged my car.....so tonite i went on my face book page and he left me a message ...something like...this...well since u are not responding to my calls....we are not a couple anymore...good luck....happy hunting.....and have a great day.....and dont call me....lollolol...see God did for me what i couldnt do for myself...
I was missing my sons and my grandson's...
and my youngest called me tonight and said he missed talking with me..and he is coming over tommorrow....
My oldest hasnt texted me back...his girlfriend said he is in rehab and its taking longer than it was supposed too...
then i see new pictures of my grandsons on face book.....
i am amazed how all of this has worked out.........
the roofer finally left me a receipt in my mailbox..
wow this was alot.....and i didnt have to do anything other than let it go.....i feel awesome...and i will not worry about the small stuff anymore..........
Oh the best thing that happened was my brother got a certified letter from my mom's bf.....and he said we can pick up my mom's stuff outside on nov 5 at 12 noon .....it does work if we work it....and that is the hardest part...but look ...here it is.......i had nothing to do with it all it was my hp...........
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Post by sweettgirll on Oct 12, 2011 23:38:43 GMT -8
i am glad that every thing turned out for the better sun! |
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 13, 2011 3:08:46 GMT -8
sun, it is hard to get out of the middle of the chaos sometimes, but when we do and just let things happen the way they are suppose to, it always works out for the best. it is about balance, and it takes time....keep up the good work. Im go glad you and your brother are getting some of your mom things, see it all works out. keep us updated on how that goes also. have a good recovery day. ;-)
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 13, 2011 19:19:38 GMT -8
thanks sweetgirl..i just have to keep trusting in my hp.....yes carolyn....its exactly true what u said...we will have to wait to see what the lawyer says.....yes i believe that too...its all about balance...
Today was very emotional.....would u believe that my brother textes me and asks me to google my mom's name and then hit images...and omg...i freaked out....there were pics posted of my mom getting some skin cancer off of her face....a couple of years ago...i went over to the drs office and he wasnt there anymore...i did find him and spoke to someone....and hopefully they take those horrible pics of my mother off of the internet....i couldnt believe that....there were 5 pictures..and it the only way i knew that was...because i went with her to get it done...watching the dr...put a scapbull to my mom's face was a nightmare in itself...and now to see pics of it...omg
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