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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 9, 2012 16:14:40 GMT -8
mb, I have not been to a womens shelter either, I know they have alot of resources to help us too recover, and I know some in my aa groups take meetings into these shelters. So we just have to do whatever we can too recover.
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karensheart
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Post by karensheart on Dec 12, 2012 0:08:03 GMT -8
Hello, I'm new here and I came across this post... I too was married to someone that had strong narcissist tendencies. Although I knew he was narcissist, BUT I did not realize that that he too was a narcissist love addict. All of the signs were written on the wall but back then, I didn't realize I too was a co-dependent love addict. Just thought I was co-dependent. BIG DIFFERENCE... lol. Now I'm beginning to understand why I stayed when I should have run for the hills... I was so wrapped up in my addiction that I "couldn't leave". I felt my only option was to step outside of the marriage (big mistake). Once the affair was exposed, that and I just gave him a license to to my master and I his slave for 2 years. Cause I felt like I had to do whatever he said so that I could still be in a marriage with him and I would not be alone... Man... how sad. Finally 2 years of he**, on a bright sunny Sunday afternoon, I was all smiles and ready to do whatever he wanted... he sat me down looked me straight in the eye and and said "I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce." I totally lost it, but eventually was relieved I no longer had to succumb to him any longer.
Now, the reason why I'm here... Is a whole other chapter in my life.. lol I won't post it in this topic. Too long.. lol
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Post by Mb123 on Dec 12, 2012 0:35:08 GMT -8
karensheart...I believe I am a co dependant love addict and he is a narcissist love addict too...but sometimes i wonder...could I be a narcissist? How did you come to realize these things? Did you go to coda meetings, LA meetings or both?
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Post by karensheart on Dec 12, 2012 0:59:31 GMT -8
I'm very new to the whole idea of me even being an addict, it's just been maybe a month. It was a very large pill to swallow. I haven't had the courage to go to a meeting yet... but I'm very close...
Through my therapy sessions I'm seeing things through my addicts eyes. Maybe I'm too quick to pigeion hole him by calling him a narcissist love addict but from everything I've read sure points to it. And my previous therapist I was seeing at that time also saw him for a short time and had referred him to see her husband who was also a therapist. She told me he was a narcissist and through a couple of years of physotherapy she made me see he was soooo wrong for me. But I have to say, from reading these posts in the this topic really put the puzzles pieces together.
After my seperation / divorce I had stopped seeing her since I had moved and taken a different job so my hours didn't work with hers... unfortunate, cause I really liked her. I fell back into my addiction and thought I met the man of my dreams! And as it turned out 3 years into our time together I found by means of a police officer showing up at my door that he was a sex / love/alchohol addict. I knew about one prior encounter with the law that had happened 10 years back and his alcohol issues...(red flag) and knew that he had been abused as a child but I did not know he had been acting out in libraries and then after that issue was under control he had been sleeping with countless women since that was not against the law. He is very active in working in his recovery, he goes to 3 meetings a week, has sponsor, and has quite a few slips along the way but gets right back to it. I'm very proud of that for him. We want our marriage to work, but I'm so confused. My current therapist, does not think it is a good idea. And thinks I need to NOT be with anybody and to work on myself. This is where I'm so confused, when is it really love and when is it love addiction?? My feelings with him are soooo different than anyone I've been with, my actions and how I see things are so different. I have a warm loving feeling with him when I'm with him. Nothing like I had with my past husband. But I do see how my addictins has played a role in this relatinship.
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Post by Mb123 on Dec 12, 2012 1:48:03 GMT -8
I don't know karensheart....your therapist may be right...I know in any recovery it is always advised not to be in any relationships for a year until you are in recovery for a year....I suppose it is for a variety of reasons to focus on yourself, etc..
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karensheart
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Post by karensheart on Dec 12, 2012 2:19:09 GMT -8
Thanks MB123, and that's where I struggle. Since last july, we have seperated and gone back together 7 times... And this past weekend was the 7th. It was also the longest stretch of seperation. I was and I guess still am more comfortable with the idea of being on my own then I had been before. He worked out of state for 4 -5 months. But up until a few weeks ago he moved back home due to no more work out there. We still live together in a little 1 bedroom apt. and have slept in different rooms. I work nights so it helps a little bit. But now we rekindled things. I think he has feelings for me and I do for him but I don't know if it is just old addiction impulses blinding my judgement. He says for him it is not wrong for him because we are married and he is in a commited relationship... ok, fine and dandy for him but what about me? And I told him that he is not good for me and that my therapist said he was not good for me and he dosen't get that because he sees us as being the same. like he's controllinig the reigns of our relationship. And I know what I need to do is to say "whoa" but I can't because I can't tell if this is real love and if it is is this real love going to hurt me in the end? I think what I'm going to do is try this but with set needs and boundries. And if those aren't met then I can feel good about myself about trying and then walk away. Mmmm :-)
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Post by Mb123 on Dec 12, 2012 4:01:26 GMT -8
I don't know...it's hard to walk away...I know..but it doesn't seem to work if you break up and make up...that's what I go through and it's always him breaking up...and he is always controlling the relationship...I'm learning to take care of my own needs...I hope I can keep him out of my head and not take him back again
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Post by karensheart on Dec 13, 2012 4:57:41 GMT -8
I am struggling no more... we just had a blow out... {All this is done via texting}... and I asked him if we were going to make a go of us that we needed to set healthy boundies etc... and he said "ohhhh I don't know I'm not that ready for sexual intamacy and last saturday was a mistake and I'm going to wait and see what my therapist has to say on saturday" I said oh back to where we were ok... but I can't do this back and forth thing again... and I am taking a step towards my mental health. I got no response... then I sent a text asking about buying a 50.00 microwave and some self help books and OMG he just lost it regarding money... he told me I have to do all the bills and took out ER money and threw that in our acct... and is lashing out at me verbally. And he knows how that scares me, he did it to be mean. So that's it, no more and I'm scared to death... But I went online and looked at my bank acct to see whats what and I saw they have a bill paying section that looks pretty simple and something I can do. So here we goooo and i'm shaking in my boots
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Post by Mb123 on Dec 13, 2012 11:28:50 GMT -8
you'll be ok...he is mean and nasty just like my poa. But this will make you stronger and one less thing to be dependant on him. You will find you need him less and less.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 13, 2012 11:51:59 GMT -8
karenheart,
Try and not to make your point to your poa, just stay on track with your recovery now. You can not make anyone change...focus on you. only you can recover.
Check in with us, you are not alone.
Keep coming back.
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Post by arianna on Jan 2, 2013 18:01:46 GMT -8
LML, you said "Our poa's know we have low self esteem, and we just want this "perfect" relationship, and they will just keep lying and manipulating and hurting us as long as we keep thinking that he will or can change. Some people just do not have the capacity for feelings, and this is why we keep getting hurt, over and over again. Because we love some much, we just cant understand how someone could not have feelings, and it keeps us on this unhealthy merry go round."
So true. I just read a book called "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend. It's very comforting and I recommend it. A quote (this is not one of the comforing parts): “There are those who deliberately hurt the hurting…Some people, projecting their deep self-hatred on others, have a deep contempt for the needy. Some are sadistic, gaining pleasure in pain.” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, from their book “Safe People.”
Oh, and it devotes several chapters to how we think we're just loving but keep getting hurt, and what really makes that happen. I'm not religious and this book is written with plenty of outtakes from the bible, but I thought it was really helpful.
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Post by karensheart on Jan 8, 2013 6:28:54 GMT -8
Thank you everybody, you're right, I need to just focus on me and not anyone else. It's so hard to do, but I will try.
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Post by horsemom on Jan 8, 2013 7:54:58 GMT -8
It's very difficult to get out of a relationship with someone that has been classified as a narcissist by my therapist when you are a love addict...
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 8, 2013 10:29:13 GMT -8
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karensheart
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Post by karensheart on Jan 9, 2013 4:06:34 GMT -8
Just for clarification the narrsasistic relationship was from my second marriage... I did get oout of that marriage and hae not had any contact with him since. I'm now on my "out" of another marriage. And THAT's a whole other story.... lol
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Post by karensheart on Jan 9, 2013 4:10:26 GMT -8
I am actually very excited about my future these days... and there's a part of me that is glad we / he called it off again. I think I finally see at least right now that I cannot be in any romantic relationship right now. I'm actually scared to be in one, don't trust myself until I have more control over myself.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 30, 2013 1:11:26 GMT -8
I would like to correct myself again here for the sake of those who got triggered by this old thread. I have forgiven my ex Narc and I could be wrong to judge him as such. There are situational Narcissists and very few are technically Narc. But whatever case they may have, they should not be our focus. We just need to focus on our personal recovery or progress and leave them on their own. Thank you From Susan . . . They are all is God's hands. There is a fine line between some forms of mental illness and toxic. Scott Peck tries to sort this out in his book People of the Lie. Regardless, I believe that if I want God to forgive me I have to be willing to at least not judge others. But keep your distance from these people as C suggests. She is correct in warning us. Thank you C for sharing your process with us. I really admire you and appreciate your work with others.
Thoughts on forgiveness:
Love your enemy but don't marry him . . .
We are asked to love each other, but some people we have to love from a distance.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 30, 2013 11:32:47 GMT -8
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Post by CodepNomore on Nov 8, 2013 11:23:29 GMT -8
I would like to add that it doesn't matter if a person is a narcissist or not, we have to guard ourself from any form of abuse. If we develop an attachment with our abuser, we have to keep distance and no looking back!
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Post by Loveanimals on Nov 8, 2013 22:26:17 GMT -8
I am a narcissist yet not abusive to people unless they overstep their boundaries with me by pushing me to divorce or to get in a relationship with them, because I fear that.
So sometimes the narcissist may feel fear, not necessarily want to abuse you.
And my narcissism is more with bodybuilding my own body.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 9, 2013 12:51:40 GMT -8
From Susan . . . Narcissists rarely recognize themselves. More likely you just have some narcissist tendencies. I am a situational narcissist.
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Post by CodepNomore on Jan 27, 2014 8:43:36 GMT -8
I heard that my ex-Narc is having trouble at work. I felt sympathy for him and sent him a consoling message. He did not bother to acknowledge it. It is a l w a y s pointless to pay attention to an emotionless Narc. It is a waste of time even thinking or talking about them. (I am not referring to situational Narc or those trying to recover. But the hardcore and heartless ones like my ex.)
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Post by loveaddicted on Dec 31, 2014 13:29:53 GMT -8
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Post by loveaddicted on Jan 2, 2015 8:53:57 GMT -8
I would like to talk about this. from everything I have read and studied all of this year so that I can better understand the narc and myself. I was under the understanding that Narcissist would not even be on this board. That they really do not feel emotions or pain. and since I know in my heart without a shadow of doubt that I was with one not like your typical relationship but he came and went as he chose to. Little did I know he had other woman to prey on like me. But I didn't think Narcissist would even be on this board. We come here because we are in emotional pain and I didn't see narcissist have emotions in fact they detest emotions and weak people. I want to be more out there educating people about this. I guess I am still hurt and angry because I am struggling with moving forward and stuck while he is moving on and he doesn't spend the holidays alone. New Year eve alone. I do. Because before I never want to stop meeting men. I was still open but not now the Universe/God wants me to stop and deal with my wounds and I can't move forward. This year however I am going to make myself deal with the child hood wounds and heal.
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Post by loveaddicted on Jan 2, 2015 10:07:14 GMT -8
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Post by loveaddicted on Jan 15, 2015 8:39:31 GMT -8
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Post by loveaddicted on Jan 15, 2015 8:44:03 GMT -8
It is better although today is day 15 of no contact. Its a start and we all need that day. Its true after I take back my power ie self respect I do feel stronger then helpless. I would encourage all of you to just be brave and take that step. God will do the rest.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 15, 2015 13:32:32 GMT -8
Hi loveaddicted, Now that you know you were in a relationship with a Narcissist the BEST thing you can do for yourself is recognize who you are. People who tend to have long term relationships with Ns often have a huge loss of identity. They tend to completely lack an ego and so, seek out people with huge egos. Know this and you have a road map into who YOU are. It no longer matters who the narcissist is or was. Knowing that he was a N is enough. No more analyzing. Move toward YOURSELF. This is how you heal and don't repeat the same mistake.
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Post by Loveanimals on Mar 31, 2016 21:19:59 GMT -8
I recently came across a Narcissist and spotted him right away. He was very, very deceptive too, as past Narcissists were more obvious.
I realized that was what attracted me to him, so I went the other direction. I guess the healthier we get, the less likely we are to fall for the Narcissist's game.
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Post by barbed wire heart on Jun 8, 2016 1:40:26 GMT -8
MB3 try to step out of the picture and look back in at the "couple" as if they were strangers to you, analyze them that way and you may find some answers. Hope this makes sense.....
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