12 No Contact Rules

When a relationship is over or needs to end because it is toxic, most healthy people feel loss or sadness, but eventually they are able to move on. For Love Addicts, however, the act of “moving on” can be a seemingly impossible task, steeped in fear and desperation to hang on. When this is the case, one must learn to engage in “No Contact” or NC. (Scroll down to the bottom for what to do if you have tried NC and it is not working.)

The legal definition of NC is a “Cessation of all contact between partners . . . and a permanent ending of all contact between affair partners and the people surrounding them.” But for our purposes, NC is the act of removing yourself mentally and physically from your Person of Addiction (PoA) for the purpose of self-healing. NC is not a tool to try and win back a PoA or reconcile. If you find yourself avoiding your PoA or not answering his calls so as to make him upset or “want you more,” you are missing the point of NC.

NC is a gift you give yourself in order to control your obsessive behavior, overcome your addiction to a person and begin to heal. No contact also means no new hurt. Still, many of us struggle with what NC means, exactly. Below is a list that will help you understand and follow NC:

1. No Talking in person: The relationship is over, or you’d like it to be over. This means that you do not engage in talking to your PoA. So often we feel obligated to “say one last thing” or convince someone, through the act of verbal communication, that they should not leave. But a break up is a break up because at least one person does not want to be in the relationship. This needs to be respected. Professing your love, your hatred, anything else does nothing productive. It will make you look bad, plain and simple. Not only that, but silence is communication. It is saying, “I no longer wish to speak to you.” This is VERY hard for a love addict to say. But remember, NC is a gift you give to yourself so that you can heal and become healthy. Remember to focus on your goals. Write them down. You want to learn a healthier way to live and to be. Not talking to your PoA is part of that process of recovery.

2. No Sex: Sometimes we use sex as a manipulation to win back the PoA, or to simply feel close via physical contact. But when the relationship is over, so too are the fringe benefits. Sex after a break up is just sex. And oftentimes it’s degrading. NC means no sex with your PoA, or with any random stranger or friend of the PoA (for the purpose of inciting jealousy, or simply to move on quickly). Sex without love strips you of self-esteem and dignity. You are worth more.

3. No Phone calls: So often we have “one more thing” we need to say. Or we want closure. Or we just want to make that connection or hear their voice. The object of NC is to separate yourself from your PoA so that you can heal. So that you can stop the obsessing or recover from a bad relationship. Don’t call or leave messages after hours, or call their relatives, their work, etc. It will do absolutely nothing positive. When the relationship is over, so is communication.

4. No Texts: One of the hardest things to avoid in today’s world is the text message. It has become a relationship backbone. But when the relationship is over, so is communication. Don’t text your PoA, and don’t respond to texts. Delete them as soon as they come in—as hard as that may be—because once you read them, you’re hooked and often feel compelled to respond. Sending texts is counterproductive to recovery and healing.

5. No E-mails: Dear PoA letters that profess your love, your hatred, or anything else do nothing productive. This type of behavior does very little to initiate closeness with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you, nor does it help you to break the bonds of a toxic relationship.

6. No Letters or Packages: Don’t send back old memories, letters or notes to their door. It crosses boundaries and pushes them away even further. And when you get no response from this, it devastates you. Pack the stuff up and forget about it, or put it in the trash.

7. No Instant Messaging: Instant Messaging, especially when you are both online and your PoA is not initiating a conversation, can drive you crazy. There are issues of tone and accusations that are misconstrued in writing. Professing your love, your hatred, anything else to initiate dialogue does nothing productive. It only makes you look bad, plain and simple.

8. No Contact from a distance (stalking):* When we are obsessed over a PoA, we tend to go to great lengths to see them or be near them, even after a break up. This includes going to their favorites places, planning to bump into them, looking for their car, watching them leave in the morning and more importantly, driving by their home to see if they are there or who might have parked a car in their driveway overnight. This behavior will do nothing but help you find the painful clues you have been looking for but didn’t really want to see. This is stalking. It is highly counterproductive to recovery, not to mention dangerous, and could get you in trouble.

9. No Cyber Stalking: Perusing social networking sites such as Facebook, MySpace, and Match.com, even eBay, craigslist or Googling, in an attempt to learn more about your PoA and “see” what he or she is up to, is against the rules of NC. This type of behavior is stalker-ish. And it does nothing but harshly remind you that they are no longer yours. Delete their profiles or block them. NO GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS.

10. Do Not Reply: One of the hardest acts of NC is not responding to pings, emails, phone calls, texts, etc. We believe that if they contact us, we are worthy! They must love us. How can we not respond to that? Some of us respond because we tell ourselves it’s rude not to. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But remember, you have a right to place a boundary around and not let certain people in. You have the right to not pick up the phone or reply to a text. It’s called discretion. Responding to pings, emails, phone calls, texts, or any attempt by your POA to contact you are not NC. It breaks the rules and can lead to no good.

11. No Contacting the Ex’s friends and family: Sometimes we rationalize NC by thinking, “If I’m not directly contacting him (her), I’m safe.” So, we continue to forge bonds with friends we shared while dating. But contact with those closest to the PoA, their friends, family members, co-workers, is not NC. Asking what they’re up to, if they’re dating, etc. is still contact. In order to recover we sometimes need to put shared friends on the back burner for a while too in order to heal.

12. No Excessive fantasizing: “No Contact” can be mental and emotional as well as physical. What’s the point in following all of the above rules of NC, only to spend your whole day dreaming of the ex? The idea of NC is NO CONTACT, but some of us simply cannot let go and so we continue the relationship in our minds. This can go on for years (known as torchbearing). Practice thought-stopping. Keep your mind active and busy. Remember that your heart, mind and body are sacred places and also need to experience NC in order to heal.

For those that are unsure, stalking has the following definition and is considered illegal.

“Stalking can be defined as the willful and repeated following, watching, and / or harassing of another person. Most of the time, the purpose of stalking is to attempt to force a relationship with someone who is unwilling or otherwise unavailable. Unlike other crimes, which usually involve one act, stalking is a series of actions that occur over a period of time. Although stalking is illegal, the actions that contribute to stalking are usually legal, such as gathering information, calling someone on the phone, sending gifts, emailing or instant messaging. Such actions by themselves are not usually abusive, but can become abusive when frequently repeated over time”.

"I think NC and LC concepts NEED to address the fact that they are not only established to promote physical distance from a PoA, but mental and emotional as well. The reason I say this is because some people can keep NC for very long periods of time with no problem, and yet, they are constantly imagining, fantasizing, thinking, and dreaming of their PoA. What then is the point of NC to a torchbearer?"

If NC does not work within a year, you are probably a Torchbearer and need to learn how to love someone from afar without the pain. This means turning down the obsession to the level of nostalagia. A pain free infatuation is the best a Torchbearer can do until they transfer the feelings to someone else. This could take years. I loved a guy from my high school (in my mind) for 30 years until we met again for the high school reunion. For more about this contact me for a consultation. There is not much information about this on the market as I created this term myself to describe a particular type of love addict and expect to write a book about it eventually.