azalea
New Member
the exercise that is the toughest to complete will help you the most
Posts: 25
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Post by azalea on Dec 17, 2009 2:14:03 GMT -8
I am very new to this. I think I am primarily a romance addict. I am married and have been for 5 years. I am not happy in my marriage. I am not happy in any relationship after 1 or 2 years tops. I want attention from other men. I long to be admired. I love the euphoric feeling of infatuation in a new relationship.
Recently I came very close to cheating on my husband, and this is what drew me to this website. I would have cheated too if the other man did not back off. While this quasi-affair was going on I thought about this person constantly. I felt so powerful and energetic, like I did not need to eat and I had so much energy. It was hard for me to concentrate on my job or my family. I would just think about the romance for hours.
I think I liked it so much because it just seemed better than real life. On some level I knew it was not real life, yet sometimes it seemed like it was, or maybe that it could be. Maybe I just think real life is boring, or not good enough. I think everything could be better, everything should be better and with this person, everything in my life will be better. I just get swept away in a tidal wave of emotion and it feels so good that I do not want it to stop.
I do not understand what a long term healthy relationship is. I cannot conceive of it really. I want to believe that I could be happy and in love with one person for the rest of my life, but I actually doubt it is possible. When I look around at the people I know I see divorce and unhappy marriages, so I honestly wonder if there is anything worthwhile beyond romance? Living with someone year after year is bound to be irritating and tedious, isn't it?
It is like when I am in a new romance, the other person seems almost magical to me, like this person will provide me with endless happiness and delight. I feel like we have a special attachment that is kind of extraordinary. I just lose myself to this feeling, because it is so alluring. It beckons me and I do not care about anything else really. Part of it is that at the same time as I see the man through rose-colored glasses as though he was perfect, I also imagine him seeing me in the best possible light too and this boosts my self-esteem and makes me feel successful and beautiful.
I do not know where the boundary is between healthy and unhealthy relationships here. I mean isn't love supposed to be wonderful and pleasant? Isn't falling in love supposed to feel euphoric? How much euphoria is too much? Maybe my problem is that I cannot conceive of love without euphoria. Maybe I just have not found the right person yet. Maybe I would not even recognize the right person if I found them.
Sometimes I think that the reason I am unhappy in long term relationships is because I am unhappy with myself and I see myself reflected in my partner and my self-doubts turn into disliking the person I am closest too.
I am starting to give up on the idea that I can be happy in my marriage, but I am afraid to leave it too. I am afraid of being alone - afraid I will regret it, that I will be lonely, that I will damage my kids. It is so complicated.
I have so many things to sort out. I guess that my goal is to be in a loving relationship that is positive and wonderful, but that is balanced with the rest of my life, so that I am not sucked away in a tornado of emotions. I need to be happy with my relationship, but recognize that I have other important things in my life too. Maybe this is the key.
I have so much to think about.
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Post by ok2bme on Dec 17, 2009 2:22:28 GMT -8
Azalea,
The best is hoped for you.
I'm fairly new & far from having any answers for my life...but I can say that reading has helped so much. Read & post & see if it helps you sort things out.
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Post by geedee on Dec 17, 2009 8:14:13 GMT -8
welcome azalea, you are in the right place I think.
read as much as you can and post often. we are all here for each other. greta
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Post by gratefulheart on Dec 17, 2009 9:59:35 GMT -8
i feel like i could have written a most of what you did! I,too struggle with the euphoria of "bonding" through fantasy and new love.. and feeling almost lifeless and detached from my real life with my husband and child. I have felt enormous guilt because of it.
Just like you, fantasizing off of the latest new high or POA is like being caught up in a thunderstorm.. The high is so euphoric that there have been times i have felt it down to my bones and i've been convinced that it's this amazing soul connection. The trouble is, i know it's not my soul being connected because intimacy is what I'm truly scared of, deep inside.. that's why fantasy has been better than reality because within that mind frame, I feel capable to be vulnerable and my capacity to see myself as beautiful, worthy and powerful is ignited..
When the fantasy ends or the other person falls short cuz they are human, i begin to get irritated, restless, and nervous. As if I need the story to go my way because that's all i can handle. i hate having my highs interfered with by real life.
I have been guilty of losing myself for hours in romantic music, daydreaming most of the day and excitedly planning what beautiful outfit i could buy to look the most beautiful i can, etc. I was in fact, doing all of these things to an extreme just six months ago or so until I did NC.
i, like you, nearly cheated on my husband and had to come back down to reality and realize that i have a true problem.
You are not alone. This board is so amazing and I know you're going to find the more you read and post, the more you will feel the weight being lifted.
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Post by geedee on Dec 17, 2009 10:53:21 GMT -8
unlike you two I did cheat on my husband. He was my 2nd POA in the 25 years I have been with my husband. The first POA was just in my head and didnt ever get really intimate at all. not in any physical sense.
going thru with the physical encounter, the only other man i had been with in my whole life apart from my husband, nearly killed me. the guilt the shame, trying later to turn our online relationship into something it wasn't...maybe tryin to justify what i had done by prolonging the fantasy side of it, making it more than a squallid one night stand with a man who never even told me he loved me...
You're lucky you didn't go thru with it. In retrospect it was the biggest mistake of my life. took me another year of degradation to admit that and get out greta
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Post by gratefulheart on Dec 17, 2009 12:00:54 GMT -8
greta, I am glad that you woke up and are recovering to stop the cycle. I guess it wasn't fair of me to say i didn't cheat on my husband because even though there was no sex, there was a kiss, laying with him in his bed, and had I let myself give in even more, I would have gone all the way with him. Every action starts in the mind and at the time, I actually felt i was "cheating" on my POA by having a husband! talk about twisted thinking. I believed, strongly, that my POA was "the one" and that my husband was just in the way of my fantasy world and that I deserved to be happy and get my needs met by POA. i justified it because of my fractured marriage but I had no right. I am thankful that all of us here are becoming accountable for our actions and not staying hidden and voiceless behind this addiction.
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jenx
New Member
"please take from me my life, when I don't have the strength, to give it away to you, Jesus.
Posts: 18
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Post by jenx on Dec 17, 2009 12:44:28 GMT -8
grateful heart,
I too have felt like I was cheating on my poa with my husband! You're right, it is twisted thinking, and even though I realized it at the time, I still couldn't get myself to stop feeling like I was cheating.
Azalea, Welcome! These boards are a life line for us all...you are not alone.
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Post by Rilly on Dec 17, 2009 13:56:21 GMT -8
Hello Azalea,
Welcome to the site. Like you, I am a romance addict. I love the euphoria of falling in love. It is so addictive. It was interesting when you said you wouldn't recognize Mr. Right even if you found him. Perhaps even if you were married to him.
I doubted my marriage for years and years, wondering if I married the right person. And with each new POA I would think up new reasons why I shouldn't be with my wife. But I never actually left my wife.
When I discovered I was a love addict I decided to work on myself. As I worked through my recovery the delusions and fantasies faded, the hopelessness faded, and I became more aware of reality and my real feelings. I discovered my spouse really was the love of my life after all.
Now I don't know what will happen in your case, but you need to work on your love addiction first.
If you feel safe opening up to your husband, do so. It could create a new bond between you, and help you to escape the obsession to secretly communicate with other men. Taking the "secrets" out of your life can be a protection to you. However, if you are afraid of a violent reaction then don't say anything for now. The important thing is to work on yourself. This is a disease.
Since you have kids, the fantasy of just jumping into a new marriage should be put out of your mind. I can tell that you love your kids, and are concerned about them.
Right now you are only seeing your POA as a perfection. You are not seeing reality, and all the flaws.
Do you remember when you met your husband? Was there some euphoria at the very start that faded over time? Do you remember how you felt?
Keep posting. Share your thoughts and feelings.
Reflective
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azalea
New Member
the exercise that is the toughest to complete will help you the most
Posts: 25
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Post by azalea on Dec 17, 2009 20:26:41 GMT -8
Thank you for your kind words and sharing your stories. I sent my POA an email today telling him I needed time away from him to sort things out in my life. I have not heard anything back from him. I feel better having done this. I am more attentive to the kids and am more able to concentrate on work, but I still think about POA a lot. I wish we could be friends, but I know it is not good for me to contact him, and I am hopeful that I will be able to resist the temptation. I keep hoping that one day in the future we can be friends. I am not ready to let go completely. He lives far away so it would be easy to not have a physical relationship. Is it necessary that I never have any contact with him again? It is painful to imagine that. We went to college together so I will most likely see him at reunions from time to time.
I am not comfortable telling DH about LAA. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I feel like this is a moral shortcoming for me. I think telling him about POA would only hurt him needlessly.
When DH and I met I did not have an intense euphoria with him. When I was 18 I had a very intense addictive relationship that lasted for 1 year. It was a big rollercoaster, REALLY good and terrible. After that relationship I began to mistrust love. I started dating men that were "safe". That I did not have the intense euphoria with them, in order to protect myself from being hurt and humiliated. So now this is what makes me question my marriage. Did I settle for DH because he was safe?
We have issues in our marriage apart from love addiction. DH is extremely ADHD. He loses his temper and throws and breaks things. He has never hit me or the children, but our dog is afraid of him and I wonder if something happened that I do not know about. The dog does not act like this around anyone else. Also DH is often rude and inconsiderate. He does not kiss me or cuddle me. At the beginning of our relationship, he was extra good to me. I thought "this is a safe man, he loves me and treats me well. We have fun together." In the past few years we have had a lot of stress with 2 babies, and DH losing his job. He has become depressed. He does not help with housework, even though I am the primary wage earner and childcare provider. When I try to talk with him about dividing up the chores, he becomes distant and angry. Plus DH uses alcohol to cope with stress. It does not affect his work, and it does not happen everyday, but still it is not healthy.
Oh and I do not fantasize about jumping into another marriage. I fantasize about being single and having boyfriends, romantic boyfriends. I can easily discard them if the relationship grows stale.
Reflective, how long did it take you to become happy with your marriage, once you started managing your Romance Addiction? How did your wife handle the news?
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Post by geedee on Dec 17, 2009 22:30:07 GMT -8
hi again azalea,
there are other people on here who got involved with a POA while married. my H was very ill and also has anger management issues just like yours.
Mybestme also has a husband with problems. sometimes it helps to read other people's stories. you will feel as if you are no longer alone and don't have to carry such a huge burden on your shoulders.
the great thing about recovery is that after a while you get tired of telling your story over and over and spend more time on growing and lookibg forward but if you do want to read about us, click on a name and you'll see the person's profile. you can choose to read initial posts by requesting them. the older posts will be very similar to yours.
as we get healthier you can see our posts become more full of hope.
It's still very up and down but as new hope says, no extreme highs or lows. lots of peace in my life now. I feel so blessed and hope you do too in the near future.
it's hard work but you can do it greta
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Post by Rilly on Dec 18, 2009 7:42:32 GMT -8
Azalea,
I first went to a therapist and got the official diagnosis of "Love addiction". I had already been caught in an affair ten years earlier, so finding out about love addiction was actually a relief to my wife because it finally explained the previous affair. However, she didn't know I had just broken up with another AP. My POA had gotten a new boy friend. And for some reason she told her new POA about me. He became jealous and called me and threatened to tell my wife if I ever came near the POA again. I was so afraid that I told my wife. And then a couple weeks later told her about any physical involvement. Each time I sat down and told her the truth it was very hard. And I was in tears the whole time. Fortunately, my wife was forgiving. In your case, with a husband with a temper you will have to decide if it is safe to tell him. But it does makes things easier if it is out in the open. ... more later...
Reflective
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Post by lotus on Dec 18, 2009 8:19:28 GMT -8
When I first broke things off with my POA a year ago, I did not want to let go and hoped we would be friends someday. I've been working hard on recovery and everyday I get better. Sometimes I go backwards, but the sum of my actions is in the forward direction. Now, I know in my heart that I can never have POA in my life again and I am at peace with that. I'm not all better; my addiction still tries to pull me back in but recovery has really changed my perspective.
Since I've been in recovery, I also have gotten the courage not to put up with unhealthy people. I've cut some people out of my life and I speak up when I am unhappy about something. Luckily, my husband is a great man who is willing to see his own flaws and change, so we've been working on our marriage and have been doing great.
My tools for recovery are the following: working the steps; coming here; going to SLAA meetings; reading books about spirituality, love addiction, and relationships; going to therapy; being honest with myself and others; trying to observe myself from the third person; connecting to a HP; taking care of myself; and letting someone (my husband in this case) completely in on this journey I'm on (he knows almost everything).
good luck!
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azalea
New Member
the exercise that is the toughest to complete will help you the most
Posts: 25
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Post by azalea on Dec 18, 2009 9:32:32 GMT -8
I am trying to decide if my marriage can be a healthy positive relationship for me or not. I am not going to rush into making any decisions that are permanent. Right now I still feel like giving up on the marriage. I feel like my husband has driven me away with his anger, lack of effort to work with me and his rudeness. I do not know if I can forgive him, or if things will ever get better. I have tried for years to make the marriage better and now I do not want to try anymore. I have not left yet, so all hope is not lost. I sought out the affair because I felt I deserved a little happiness and love in my life since I am so distant from my husband.
I am not tempted to contact POA because and I am embarrassed of my past actions, and I am scared of making a bigger fool of myself . I do still think of him.
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Post by Rilly on Dec 18, 2009 10:18:34 GMT -8
Azalea,
Sounds like you are at the crossroads right now. At some point you will have to make a decision about whether you are staying in your marriage or going. And you don't need to make that decision until you are ready. I know how tough that is.
When a woman tells her husband about her feelings, her affairs, and just opens up, several things can happen. 1) The husband can get angry and physically abusive, and put her in danger, 2) he may not be physical at all, but be very hurt and decide to divorce her, 3) he may be hurt but want to work things out, and maybe even possibly help her overcome the addiction.
For me, fortunately, it was number 3 outcome. Since I'm a male, I wasn't really worried about outcome number 1. So my worry was whether she would leave me or not. In any case, for me, I knew that if I didn't tell her the truth I would keep lying to her and be tempted to keep having affairs. Now, I'm a man, so my situation isn't the same. It can be much scarier for a women. I have learned that from many people on this site. ( even though it took a while to sink in...lol ) Marriages are easier with honesty, but it isn't always possible. And in some cases it is just better to leave. Every situation is different.
One thing that is for sure, we will be here to help you no matter what happens. So just keep posting.
Reflective
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Post by ok2bme on Dec 18, 2009 11:21:05 GMT -8
I definetly had that out of this world romance with my PoA.
It was love, it was big, it was perfect, it was like nothing ever felt with anyone, not even my husband. Only thing is, he never had it with me & was clear about it.
My whole chance at getting better is to find a way to have that incredible feeling toward him go away or be redirected. It is very hard, it's like the strongest magnetic pull...or in my case...push toward him.
Long before there was physical contact I was mentally & spiritually spiraling down over the desire to be with this man. I am extremely thankful that this site offers a place to get better whether we did it or didn't. That was one thing that kept me so isolated & from talking, the shame & judgement that goes with being unfaithful "physically", mentally is more acceptable.
I am so glad for people that find this site before it gets to physical as well. It was just a torturous to be stuck in my head with this man & want him everyday & not have him & not have a clue how to stop feeling so bad.
Whether it's physical or not you have all helped me so much & I really appreciate everyone that shares.
Thank you.
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Dec 18, 2009 19:04:50 GMT -8
Azalea,
Welcome to the board. You are at the right place. I am not going to tell you how to live your life, but I will share with you things that therapists have said to me, or things that I have read.
I have had and continue to have questions about my marriage as well. I had a relationship with my POA for 3 years. I too felt justified having a relationship, because my wife wasn't meeting my needs. I have been told twice now, that my justification was me being immature and childlike. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it!!
My POA and I never went all the way, but we definitely has an intense emotional, physical, and sexual relationship. We both have shared that we love the other. But we were both married and thus unavailable.
Part of my problem was that I made my POA my higher power. She made me feel better, stronger, more important, loved, attractive, etc. Your description of your POA was very similar to mine and most of us. But if you reread your description of your POA, does it sound like you have made him into a "god" or sorts? I definitely made mine into one! As someone else mentioned, POA's are human, and they make mistakes, and aren't as good as we first think. Of course we can't see that in our addiction.
Another thing I was told by a therapist, was that it is nearly impossible to objectively look at your marriage, let alone try to see if it is viable, while having an addiction to someone else. My wife and I are starting up counseling again after the first of the year. Right now, even though I have strong feelings for my POA, I am not obsessing on her anymore. Not that I don't think of her often, but I work hard to stop it, and it isn't 24-7. I don't arrange my schedule in hopes of e-mailing, calling, etc. I am not fantasizing about us both leaving our spouses and getting together.
I was told, again by a therapist, that is a sure way to severely jeopardize my relationships with my children. She didn't say that divorce would jeopardize it, but divorce because of another love relationship could have severe adverse effects. That is not worth it for me. I have 4 great kids, and I don't want to lose what I have with them. I am grateful that now as we try to see if our marriage can be salvaged, it isn't going to be clouded with another obsession. It will survive or not on its own merit.
I am going on and on, so I am going to stop. I would suggest reading Pia Melody's book on Love Addiction. It describes me to a "T". It also describes the type of person I get into relationships with, Love avoiders......very enlightening for me.
Post often! There are a ton of wise people on this board. Good luck!
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Post by Havefaith on Dec 19, 2009 14:39:30 GMT -8
Azalea - when you first described yourself, you sounded like you has many of the symptoms a classic love addict. When you wrote about your marriage, however, I got scared. Sounds like the primary issue is whether or not this marriage is healthy for you. A marriage fraught with these kinds of difficulties will only fuel addiction. I would strongly suggest professional counseling, given the abuse and alcoholism that it sounds like you and you family are confronted with...
havefaith
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Post by inpeace on Dec 20, 2009 9:17:28 GMT -8
wow, your initial post sounded so much like me. You explained it so well, thank you.
A therapist once told me that the euphoric stages of love start to settle around 18 months. The first two stages of "love" are so intense, I can't get enough of them. When they are gone, I don't know what to consider "love" anymore. Then I don't think I "love" the person anymore, the person is shocked, hurt and can't understand it because in the beginning I was so abnormally intense. Like you, I can replace someone quickly if I think it's not going to work out. As long as the physically energy is there to start, the rest (fantasizing, longing, etc) will all fall in line. I did this all the time to make sure I avoided any pain in the past.
I'm sure there are many different reviews but the sequence of love stages I have learned about, and which seem to fit me have such intense brain chemicals feeding our brain during the first two stages it's, and I'm addicted!
Stage 1: Lust This is the first stage of love and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen – in both men and women.
Stage 2: Attraction This is the amazing time when you are truly love-struck and can think of little else. Scientists think that three main neurotransmitters are involved in this stage; adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin.
These hormones and chemicals make you feel alive. Now I know that it is them I love more than any person. I am a runner, I just started 2 years ago and it has helped a lot! Again, the brain chemistry that exercise feeds is important for people like us.
Emotionally, I want so bad to learn to find love in the later stages so it doesn't hurt anymore, and I don't hurt anyone else anymore. Physically, I want to understand the chemical reactions going on inside me so that I can find healthy passions to maybe give me what I long for.
There was only one relationship that didn't loose it's thrill for me. Because I never really "had" him so the stage of stability truly never came keeping all the intense chemicals flying around my brain. He was a popular performer so girls were all over him and that kept me in the initial "getting him" stage I guess. Somehow I finally broke up with him, but I didn't want to. He was devastated and so was I. I just hated not being in control of it all so much that I had to. That's why when I read all the posts I think I can't be a real POA love addict. If I even smelled the tiniest rejection I'd have the "POA" replaced immediately before he could reject me.
Thank you for explaining it so well in your initial post. My initial post has it in such raw terms I kept thinking, am I a sex addict or love addict? I still don't really know in a way. Also, when I read some of the post I think, gee I'm the one that is kind of on the other side of these peoples posts. Like the selfish, narcissistic POA! So where do I fit in?
Your husbands behavior on the other hand, isn't really healthy. Maybe that is a separate issue. You deserve better. Your children deserve to see a man treating his wife and others well. It will shape how they love in the future. You never mentioned your childhood experiences but lately, I'm learning how mine have definitely effected my intimacy disorder.
Plus, I love my dogs. Dogs tell you things about people. I really believe that. Good luck. Inpeace
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azalea
New Member
the exercise that is the toughest to complete will help you the most
Posts: 25
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Post by azalea on Dec 20, 2009 10:25:35 GMT -8
I am grateful for your thoughtful replies. It means a lot to me. I feel better everytime I come to this website and I think I am learning a lot.
I have been thinking about my past and I realize that I have a fear of being alone that drives me into relationships and keeps me with people for longer than I should be. Does this make me a relationship addict as well? I am afraid that if I am alone I will go crazy or I will latch onto a destructive addictive relationship. So I attach myself to an available "warm body", I mean a man who is dependable, just so I will have a date every Friday night. Also I tend to jump into relationships during times of transition in my life, such as going off to college, graduating college, etc. since of course these are stressful times when I am moving and my friendships are disrupted and I latch on to a man for comfort.
I have not actually had many rollercoaster addictive relationships where I was obsessed with one person. I had the one when I was 18, and since then I have been able to leave men (more or less) without hanging on obsessively. I usually just move right on to the next man, which of course is not healthy either.
Havefaith, I appreciate your candid assessment of my marriage. I have been feeling the same way. Like I just cannot stand it anymore. I do not want to live this way any longer. I have 2 young children and I work full time from home on my computer so it is hard for me to get out of the house at all. This situation I am in has provided the perfect fuel for my addictive romantic fantasies to resurface after so many years. I am kind of isolated in a mundane, unhealthy life and fantasy is such an easy way to escape my reality.
Leaving my husband is such a big mountain to climb. I anticipate an ugly expensive custody battle. I do not feel confident that the children would be safe having visitations with him, but having to prove that in court would not be easy. It would be ugly. This is the main reason that I have been avoiding divorce. I am afraid of handing over control of my children to the court. Right now I have to put up with DH, but I have my children with me all the time, and I can protect them from him. I feel trapped. However this new addictive affair that has popped up in my life, has shown me that psychologically something is going to give way within me one way or another. This situation is unsustainable.
I just reread the paragraph above and I am struck by how bad my marriage actually is. I am staying here mainly to protect my kids from their dad. That is totally f***ed up. I do not want my daughter growing up in this environment. I need to take steps to leave. I do not tell my mom or my friends about how bad things actually are in my marriage because I am so embarrassed, but this just makes me more isolated and alone. I have been covering things up. Mind you he has never hit any of us, but he is reckless and neglectful with the children and his out of control anger is psychologically damaging and could potentially be physically harmful one day. I also believe if I left he would drink more and do drugs with his friends and I am so afraid the children would get hurt if I was not around to protect them and keep DH under control.
I tried getting counseling a year ago, but I did not like the psychologist and I stopped going. Does anyone have suggestions about how to find a good counselor? It is hard for me to trust people and I need someone who is very warm and supportive in order to make me feel comfortable.
About my family of origin, my father was emotionally distant and he suffered from anxiety and some anger problems, but he never was physical, even with material objects. I know he loves me very much, and we get along now. But when I was a child he rarely cuddled with me or played with me. He does better talking with me as an adult. Also he was tense and angry and I was afraid of him alot, afraid he would yell. His yelling scared me. I remember this feeling of chills that would run through my body when I was afraid of him, and this feeling is the like the same feeling I get in an addictive relationship that is on the verge of a downturn, kind of like the thrilling fear of a rollercoaster.
My mom is the ultimate caregiver, almost like she does not feel worthwhile unless she is taking care of someone else. No sacrifice is too great for her. It is like she counts herself as worth nothing and she is always putting everyone else before herself. The other day I was talking to her about maybe leaving my marriage and she said my DH would not be able to make it without me. That puts a huge burden on my shoulders, like I would be responsible for destroying my babies' father if I left. My MIL too acts like it is my duty to take care of her son as if he was a child. It is like I get so much pressure to be a caretaker, but that me my life does not matter, my thoughts and opinions and ambitions are secondary to everyone else's. That is not fair.
My husband's family I am pretty sure has a history of physical abuse that no one is dealing with at all. My husband mentioned physical abuse to me way back when we were dating, both by his father and his grandfather, but since then he has refused to talk about it. He says he can't remember his childhood, and that his mom too never spoke much about hers. This family just believes that if you smile and act happy everything will be okay, and they are repressing a lot of anger. It is nearly impossible for me to be around them, though they are usually smiling and polite, because the anger slips out in unexpected, hurtful ways. Recently I had a big confrontation with my MIL and her husband on why I have been avoiding them. They acted like I was imagining all the negativity that I have been experiencing from them. We just do not see things the same way. But it felt good to be open about it, instead of engaging in the make-believe relationship that we have been acting out for years
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new hope
Junior Member
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
Posts: 85
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Post by new hope on Dec 21, 2009 15:40:23 GMT -8
Your post helped me. It helped me see things from other points of view. I congratulate you on all this good sharing. Keep up the good work!
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Post by hungrylove on Jan 5, 2010 22:29:28 GMT -8
hello Azelia
Your post helped me very much. It felt like we had the same life!
I married someone i didnot have euphoric feelings for. Someone who was safe. the person turned out to be mentaly, emotionaly abusive and then finaly physically abusive.
I had forgotten about my addictive behavior because i had like you closed myself off from daiting people i was very attracted to. I always chose safe, not wanting to get emotionaly invested.
I wonder too if there will ever be a time when i will healthy and choose someone who is healthy for me.
hungrylove.
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Post by Rick Faith on Apr 19, 2010 12:41:25 GMT -8
I understand too...I once asked out this jurse...she was just getting divorced and I was so attratced to her...and she said no, she wasnt ready yet, but she was friendly and nice on the phone...and I never slept for two days!! High as a kite.... I look back now and thank God she said no.
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Post by Rick Faith on Apr 19, 2010 12:42:24 GMT -8
That should read... "Nurse".... smiles... i have never actually asked out a "jurse" Not YET anyway.
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saggie
Junior Member
Posts: 64
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Post by saggie on Aug 31, 2010 6:58:46 GMT -8
Azalea,
Wow, your story is so similar to mine, minus the children. I too I married a "safe, dependable guy, whom I didn`t have any intense feelings for. I married him because he was different from my emotionally and physically unavailable POA`s. I was so excited when I found my husband, because I thought finally, the circle was going to be broken, that I was finally going to love someone who loves me in return. I wish I had known then, that I was a love addict. Then I would have anticipated my falling out of love with him. Looking back, it really was inevitable. I felt I was in a emotional prison because I didn`t love my husband (I stopped loving him when I realized he loved me, or maybe I never loved him, just thought I did). But he was so good to me that I felt I had no right to leave him. During the marriage I was attracted to two POA, one of which I`m still hugely attracted to, physically and emotionally(I transfered my attraction from one POA to another - I`m both a love addict and a torchbearer). I even allowed this new POA to kiss me one time, but I didn`t allow myself to go all the way with him. I wanted to, with every fiber of my being, but I just kept remembering that oath I made to my husband when I married him. I too am thinking everyday of leaving my husband, have thought so for two years now, but I can`t bring myself to do so because he loves me so much and the thought of leaving him gives me hives. At the moment I`m working on not allowing my POA to control my thoughts and actions. I`m limiting how much I can think of him each day, and hopefully in time he will cease to have any power over me. So you are not alone in this struggle. This board has helped me so much since I came to it. Everytime I leave it I feel a little more enlightened and positive.
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Post by PrettyCloud on Nov 4, 2010 12:04:26 GMT -8
Wow! I think this is where I fall in. I can relate to you all so much. Its like you all are telling my life story. Reading all your posts are so helpful.
This is my 3rd day coming here and I think I've found myself.
I just ended a 12 year relationship or I guess you could call it a "common law" marriage. We have 3 children, one from his previous relationship. When we first met, it was like I found my perfect match. Everything was great. But it all kind of calmed down a year and a half later. That's when I had my first POA.
I've had several POAs within my 12 year relationship to SM. Not all of them were sexual but most were physical, kissing, holding. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't get myself to stop. After one would end, I would end up looking for another. I liked the "high" it gave me. I liked the attention, the feeling of being wanted and needed. Even though I love SM, I couldn't stop. Three years ago, it all hit the fan. Since then, I haven't had any type of physical relationships but I still find myself flirting, and wanting that attention. If I don't get a call or text, I start feeling lonely.
I ended my relationship with SM because I found a text message from another woman to him and it hurt. Although he said nothing was happening and she confirmed it as well, I ended our relationship. It is taking a tremendous toll on our kids. They are so young, 11 and 7. My youngest is having the hardest time coping. I hate that I am hurting my kids like this. We have always done things together, as a family. So this separation is very hard on them. SM and I have agreed to communicate since we have the kids and thankfully we can communicate without arguing.
SM always asked me to tell the truth and I just couldn't. After going through the step, I realized that I have to confess and admit. I did this a couple days ago and although he knew already that I had been unfaithful, he just didn't know with whom and how many. I know that I've hurt him. We've been separated for 2 months and had been doing fine, communicating well when it came to the kids until I confessed. So we're back to square one.
I have not had a POA in three years but do have men who will call or text me but I have set boundaries for myself as to how far I will allow myself to go. I don't know if that's a good improvement or what.
I also learned that I am a CoDA. So right now, its hard for me to make big decisions on my own. I love SM and want to work things out but I don't know if that is the right decision for me. That may just be me being codependant. I haven't told SM about being an addict because I'm afraid he's going to laugh at me and think I'm just using that as an excuse. He's normally understanding but I'm still afraid.
I just wanted to say thank you all for being here.
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oldendances
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
"Go Placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"
Posts: 228
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Post by oldendances on Nov 4, 2010 12:16:19 GMT -8
Hello Help,
Would you and SM be able to get counselling? Susan has recommended Imago therapists, they help you help each other.
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Post by PrettyCloud on Nov 4, 2010 13:06:12 GMT -8
Oldendances,
What is Imago therapists?
I want to ask SM if he would be willing to work things out but I'm afraid, afraid that he'll say no. We always said we were a perfect match, were so compatible but since everything all came out, it hasn't been the same. We can still talk, like any two people holding a conversation. To others, it seems as though we're still together. That's what others tell me. Right now he's still angry and hurt. I can hear it in his voice when we talk.
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oldendances
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
"Go Placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"
Posts: 228
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Post by oldendances on Nov 4, 2010 17:57:41 GMT -8
Hi Help, You can suggest to SM that you would like to try couples therapy. Imago was suggested by one of the main person's on this board. I found a good definition here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imago_TherapyThe author of "Getting the Love You Want" also discusses this type of therapy.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 6, 2010 16:17:52 GMT -8
I highly recommend Imago Therapy, but if you cannot afford it read his series of books, starting with . . .
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darkangels3251
Junior Member
No Contact for one year-bring it on!
Posts: 78
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Post by darkangels3251 on Jun 15, 2011 9:07:09 GMT -8
after reading all of these posts, I just realized that a lot of you have spoken about the problems that I'am going through right now too.....even though I'am still naive and new to the world of romance, I still am facing through problems of loneliness, and abandonment. Just recently, I broke up with my guyfriend of a year, and its been about two weeks of no contact...still he is in my dreams (like just last night) and still I catch my self thinking about the things I had done with him over a month ago. Its weird because, I was friends with him for a year, and dated him for a month, which is not enough time for me to get stabilized with him and to feel that "boredom" after the initial euphoric phase...so that's why I still think about him, because I wasn't really getting bored into the relationship and in fact was actually experiencing the feeling of "intense passion." I don't know what I'am saying now, but even though my thoughts are scattered, I just needed to vent it out of what I'am feeling, and that sharing and reading about the stories that others are going through, makes me feel that I'am a part of the community and that we are all in this together of recovering from these pains.....now I feel that even if I do relapse into the fantasizing, I'am going to remind myself to somehow smell the reality and not the roses.
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