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Post by startingnew on Nov 15, 2010 5:50:12 GMT -8
Hello everyone, I am new to this site and have actually attempted a few other sites but still trying to find the right spot where I feel comfterable with. I have recently discovered that I am a Codependent Love Addict and from what our therapist says, my wife is a Love addict as well. We have been together on and off for 15 years, and have been married for 9. We have 2 beautiful daughters ages 6 and 4, which mean the world to us of course. Our dilema started back in 2007 when a person entered into my wifes life that she bacame attached to because she felt this person really understood her and they got along very well. As time went by, an emotional affair started as well as sexual that began a very rough, exhausting (both physically and mostly mentally) and drama filled relationship for me and my wife. I was always suspicous of this other person b/c as any married couple, you learn habits and actions of your spouse whether you realize it or not, but she began to change quit a bit. I was always looking into what gave me bad gut feelings and looking into what I felt were lies that she was feeding me and was always somehow shocked when I would find out that my worst fears were always comming true, that there was yet confirmation of another lie. Since 2007, I left the home that my kids, my wife and I all stayed at and moved in with my brother in law, it seemed as though she was clingy for about a week in missing me, and then, that quickly went away. From that point on till about 2010, we were in several battles, arguements and even "were done" conversations because I would find out that my wife was still having emotional and physical connections with this person, but at the same time, was telling me that she did not want to lose me. Over time, we tried to keep reconciling since she would convince me that she wanted the marriage and doesnt know why she keeps going back to the "other person", as well as I am the kind of person that I just dont feel right giving up on a marriage that I feel would be great if she would get the treatment that she needs. I have tried a number of ways to try to help her through these difficult emotions that she is going through, (almost the if I help enough, maybe she will see how much I care kind of thought process), and i know SHE has to want to change, which again, she tells me that she does, but when given the proper tools, she just doesnt seem to use them. She has the state of mind of if she just ignores any issue and pushes it under the rug, that it will all dissapear, and at the same time, she only has interest in working on her self when we are arguing beyond belief. I have told myself several times that I cant do this anymore, and that I deserve better treatment than this, and I know I do, but it is just so hard to give up a marriage that both of us are not giving that 100% effort. If we both did EVERYTHING in our power to save this marriage, and it still didnt work out, then so be it, that would be much easier to deal with.
My wife does still have contact with this "other person", and has lied about this contact. i have asked everyonce in a while if there had been any contact because she told me this person was out of her life, and of course, she would tell me there has been nothing. Well, recently, I found a prepaid phone that she was using to contact this person and to me, that hit an all time low. She insists that it is "just friends" and it is someone for her to vent to because they work for the same company, but different locations, and its easier to vent to someone that is in the same field and understands. I have given the option of it is either the other person or me, and she tells me its me, then for a few months we are good, then I find out there is still more contact, so is this just the addiction at work, or is she really gone? We have had some good talks and she insists that she needs help, she wants us, and is trying to distance herself from this other person so to not feel so dependent on them, but at the same time, is this just another ploy?. I really want to give her the benifit of the doubt, and I love her more than I think she will ever realize, and no thats not the addiction talking, I still get butterflies in my stomach when my phone goes off for a text, or a call, or even when she gets home. I may not always show it because of the tension that we have right now, but I still love her the same as I did the first time I told her.
I have actually started trying to get information on trying to get a meeting going here in North Carolina (charlotte/huntersville) so other people in the area as well as my wife and myself can go to try and work through this. It is much easier to talk about this and work through this with people that have either already gone throug it, or are still working on it. I know this message was a little bit story jumping and im sure I could write for hours about this, but my goal is not to make my wife out to look like a horrible person, my goal is to give the opportunity for help to a woman who honestly feels she has aproblem and is so confused that she doesnt know which way is up anymore. thank you for listening, and any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks
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Post by rnurs74 on Nov 15, 2010 6:25:09 GMT -8
Hello starting, welcome to this site.
I have been where you have been. I sound alot like your wife, and in all honesty it can get better, but only if your wife is willing to make some changes. You can't make her change her behavior, you can only do what's best for yourself and change your behavior.
I have been married to my husband for 16yrs, we also have 2 children. I have had an on/off again relationship with another person for 5yrs which started when my husband and I were having problems. my problem was no matter how hard I tried to end things with the other person, I just couldn't. I was between the two of them for years, I honestly believed I loved them both. After being treated badly and allowing it by the other person, i sought out counseling and have learned to cut off all ties with the other by blocking my phone, email and facebook accounts. Your wife may have tried, like I did, to stop seeing this other person. The problem may be with the other person not letting her go or leaving her alone. I tried multiple times to get away and stay away, but he'd always call or find me. He'd say and do things to reel me back in, just to push me away again.
I'm not saying your wife's behavior is right. From what it sounds like, she does love you. She probably feels very guilty about what she has done to you, but the addiction part of her keeps her holding onto another person who is bad for her. I am glad my husband never gave up on me, I know I'm a good person, I just had a horrible addiction I had to deal with in order to see what's most important in my life. It's up to you to give her another chance, If she doesn't take it upon herself to seek help, things will NEVER change. But I can tell you first hand it does get better!
Best wishes
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Post by startingnew on Nov 15, 2010 7:35:19 GMT -8
Hello rnurs74, thank you for the response, it feels good to get someone who is in my wifes shoes because it helps to give me a different perspective. The difference in the situation unfortunutly is you were wanting to get rid of the person b/c they were mean and you were ready, my wife is actually the one supposidly from what she says, the one that keeps contacting the other person. It helps to get her away from all of her other issues in life, which i get, but its not fair that she gets a release and I am living with the day to day issues. We had to move in to her mom and step dads house, we lost our house, both cars, and a very good paying job, so add that with the arguing from the affair and there is nothing but stress. So basiclly it is her keeping the contact with the other person from what she says. I do feel she has deep feelings for them, and she did say she is having to do this on her own, but then again that has been said for 3 years, but the comment you meant about your husband not giving up is exactly how I feel, I just think until we are able to get a great chance at honestly working on us, then I feel I would be giving up on her! Thanks for the feed back, and please, feel free to contact me at anytime if you need to talk.
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saron
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Post by saron on Nov 15, 2010 8:50:34 GMT -8
Hi Starting New!
Your wife sounds a lot like I was. I had a great marriage and became involved with another man following my mother's sudden death. I now know I was just trying to escape the grief. My husband stuck with me through many fights and ultimatums.
I DID want out of the other relationship and I truly DID want to save my marriage. My POA was mean, narcissistic, and hot and cold with me. He literally pushed me to the edge of sanity. Despite all of that and how much I truly wanted my husband and my family, I could not stop contacting my POA or responding when he would contact me. The compulsion was so intense. I would try and I would fail...again and again.
This went on for 18 months. Near the end of that, I too, bought a prepaid phone and told my husband the contact was over. Then he found it. He went and signed divorce papers and told me that I had one more chance to give the POA up or he would file. I agreed, but to be honest, I didn't think I could do it....and part of me didn't want to because I thought that the POA was the only thing saving me from the darkness I'd been living in since my mother's death. What I came to find out was that my POA was the darkness hanging over me.
I've been strict NC for 5 months now....and the fog has lifted. My husband and I are growing closer and closer and I feel like my old self again. I have blocked my POA on facebook and from my cell phone. As much head knowledge as I have now, I still fear that one text from him could send me reeling back into the abyss.
During the time of withdrawal, I read as much as I could about love addiction. I didn't find this board until later, but it sure would have helped to hear that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. There were times when my husband would have to sit with me for hours while I raged that I just needed to contact him one more time...but those feelings would pass and then I would feel victorious that I had made it through the period.
The first month is TOUGH! It's similar to withdrawing from any addictive substance. The compulsions are strong! I had to start to recognize the voice of the addiction and fight against it.
It does get better! She can get through it, and I do believe that she wants you and not him. I was there and I felt the same.
Keep posting!
Saron
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Post by startingnew on Nov 15, 2010 9:02:26 GMT -8
Hello Saron, thats the only issue, is that Idont TRUELY know what is going on between them in the sense that the other person has given my wife the ultimatum as I have, and from my understanding the POA is also very obsessive, which is fine for my wife because its attention thats she craves, yet really wont accept from me because she has said when I do it, it feels more as a have to because I am her husband, and it is so much further from the truth, i do it because I love her and it comes from the heart, she says she believes me but I dont think she truely does believe me. I feel like I have almost ran out of options. I want to stand my ground and let her know I dont deserve to be disrespected in such a way, yet at the same time, help her in some way.
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saron
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Post by saron on Nov 15, 2010 9:12:52 GMT -8
When my husband initially set up the ultimatum of No Contact or he was filing...I agreed reluctantly...not because I didn't want him, but because I didn't think I could do it. And truly, in my mind I thought I could always just get another phone and hide it better...etc.
But in reading so much about love addiction and seeing that people did get through it and that the compulsions did fade, I decided to give it a shot. I told my POA goodbye. He was in his cold phase at the time, so he agreed, and then I blocked him before he could come back again - his pattern.
My husbands ultimatum, did end up helping me, and it helped him to stand his ground, too. I'm not saying to do that...that's just what worked for us. I fully believe he would have filed if I had made contact again....and that did keep me from giving in...but he was also incredibly supportive and there for me during the withdrawals...and that is what kept me "sober" more than anything else. He let me get through that before he started to process his hurt. If she is truly addicted, she isn't trying to hurt you. I'm so grateful that I didn't lose everything. I wasn't trying to hurt my husband at all...I just was in such a pit of addiction.
Hope this helps.
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Post by startingnew on Nov 15, 2010 9:19:56 GMT -8
Hey saron, thats the thing, not that it still wouldnt hurt, but if my wife would come to me during times of withdraws, I think I would feel better for a couple different reasons. 1.) She would actually be getting rid of the POA, and 2.) she would be trusting me enough and wanting to fix us enough to be willing to come to me to help with her addiction. She just stays absolutly shut out from me. I will admit, I have lost my temper a few times due to hurting so bad and would cause arguements, and I know that hurts the chances of her talking to me, I just wish she could give some kind of HONEST sign she is ready.
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saron
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Post by saron on Nov 15, 2010 9:23:32 GMT -8
I wasn't ready... until I HAD to be ready...or lose everything.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Neither did my husband. I have tremendous guilt over what I did to him and my family.
What does she say right now about what she wants???
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Post by startingnew on Nov 15, 2010 9:34:16 GMT -8
She tells me she is going nowhere and that she wants us, and we both just need to find our old selfs again, but I just know we cant go back to our old selfs until the POA is gone, which she wont put down just yet. Thats part of my issue saron, i know you mentioned that you were not ready until you HAD to do it, and some people need that push, but at the same time, it hurts that it feels like I HAVE to force it in order for her to stay, instead of her fighting hard enough to want to stay because she would love me enough. Atleast that is how i feel.
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saron
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Post by saron on Nov 15, 2010 10:15:30 GMT -8
She won't be able to find her old self until the POA is gone. You are correct about that. The problem is, she won't realize that until she's on the other side of it. I was completely addicted to a man I didn't even like or find attractive. My husband, on the other hand, is my soulmate. But letting go of the POA felt like I was cutting my lifeline. In hindsight, I can see the craziness of it, but the feelings are real and are scary from her end at this time.
If she is truly addicted, try to look at it like she's drinking or using drugs. People addicted to those things often need to hit bottom before they will change. It's not about her loving you enough...it's about this horrible addictive beast that has taken over her sense of rational thought.
But I know what you mean. My husband told me on a Tuesday that I needed to cut contact. I begged him to give me until the weekend. That crushed him....but on my side it wasn't about not wanting or loving him...I just didn't know how to survive without my POA.
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Post by startingnew on Nov 15, 2010 11:29:20 GMT -8
so then what is it gonna take atleast for you to be able to get rid of him. is there something that your husband can do to help the process along? I know you have to be ready to but just like an addiction, there are intervention, and times of withdraw, and yes, speaking from being in your husbands shoes, it crushes me (and im sure him) to know that there is someone else that a spouse feels so comfterable with and willing to risk the marriage over the feelings and love that a husband wants to give their wife. I always ask her what she would feel like if I was doing that and try to imagine if I had an affair. She always told me that she wouldnt even wait around, but she also knows I wouldnt do that to her. It makes us feel like we are expendable and not worth anything or are not good enough to put down that other person. It is a very crushing feeling.
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saron
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Post by saron on Nov 15, 2010 11:42:04 GMT -8
Well, I did get rid of him. That Tuesday was June 15th, and I haven't had any contact with my POA since June 16th when I finally told him goodbye. My husbands ultimatum and him being there for me during the withdrawals is what finally made the process stick. As I'd said goodbye a number of other times....and failed. My husband wasn't expendable, and you aren't either!  I'm sure it feels that way. From the addicts mind though it almost doesn't feel like a choice. Sure, it IS a choice, but the compulsion makes it feel like it isn't. I didn't even get a "high" from being in contact with him..I didn't love him...I didn't even like him, but the anxiety when I wasn't in contact with him would get so overwhelming. At the time I didn't realize that if I just sat in that anxiety it would pass. That's the process. Sitting in those awful anxious feelings...feeling like you're going to explode or die...and then getting on the other side of it. |
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Post by startingnew on Nov 15, 2010 11:50:32 GMT -8
What made you feel comfterable enough to open to your husband? I have told her that she can talk to me about it and maybe getting it off her chest and the shame out may help her get past it, but she just tells me she doesnt feel comfterable with telling me. I even said to tell POA anything to help the process, like we are moving, or that she is pregnant, in hopes of the POA becoming uninterested, but she told me she wasnt going to lie, that it wasnt right or fair to the POA, or that lieing will get her nowhere, and of course, that hurt because it was so easy to lie to me. I know our communication is so out of whack and she gets tired of discussing this all the time, but if she truely knew how i feel, then she would realize why I do. I am no saint, I have my times of overwhelming her with it just because im hurting bad at that moment, but I feel if im always trying to be nice that I will be considered a pushover, and since this has been going on for three years, that she figures I wont go anywhere and will keep doing it anyways. It is hard for us to be "seperated" as neither of us can afford tolive on our own, but I also dont want us together just by default. When I did leave before, she was over me within a week because she had that lifeline away from me.
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Post by rnurs74 on Nov 15, 2010 14:05:23 GMT -8
Hi starting, My husband and I separated 2x in 5yrs, once was for 6months, the other for a year. In that amount of time I ended up missing my husband and his support and love. My husband, as I remember it would lay back and do his thing. He dated, hung with his friends, was a great a dad and a fantastic husband while I was away chasing my POA. As rediculous as it sounds, our time apart got harder and harder for me and I ended up dating my husband and spending more time with my husband while separated than my POA. My husband was hurt by my actions and I also regret my actions and wish with my whole being I could take it back. Every relationship and couple is different, but in your case you need to do what's best for you and work on you. If you love her, be there for her.. I'm not saying your giving her a free pass to cheat, what I'm saying is work on you! You deserve to be happy, If you start separating yourself alittle and treating her like a friend while working on YOU, she will come around if she loves you.. It's hard work when you love someone, but the bottom line is YOU should be number 1 to yourself. My husband showed me that he was the one I wanted, he was the one that I have history and children with, and HE was more important than my POA will ever be!!!! Hope this helps some |
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Post by mybestme on Nov 15, 2010 14:30:56 GMT -8
starting new...
My situation is almost EXACTLY the same as yours as far as the length of time I have had my POA and your wife has. My husband doesn't know the full extent of him, but he knows I was talking to someone online for a while and got emotionally involved. We were also texting, chatting and e-mail off and on for the past three years. I have seen him five times.
But, my husband has had a drinking problem too. THe thing I'm trying to figure out now is if my husband's drinking was exacerbated by me changing and distancing, being anxious, detached, etc... or if his drinking drove me to the arms of my POA.
Regardless...it's an addiction and if he knew the full extent he'd probably leave and or tell everyone and I'd be dirt. Even if he chose to stay, it would still get around once he mentioned it to someone impulsively while drinking (which now doubt he would - he's got a big mouth).
I have resentments against my husband which have justified (in my mind) this behavior. But there really are no justifications.
He's an alcohol addict and I'm a love addict. End of story. So...now I'm working on myself...being with my kids...enjoying friends, etc... NO matter what end of the spectrum you are coming from, I agree with everyone above - you need to get to YOU. And then do what feels right so that you can be whole for your children.
I keep telling myself that no matter what happens with husband or POA, that there is hope for healthy love. Maybe not now and not with either of them...but perhaps some day. Meanwhile, I'm taking care of me. When you continue to take better care of yourself and feel healthier and your self esteem rises, then you will find that choices that need to be made are not quite as difficult.
She does need to really want to get over it, but even if she does it sometimes seems impossible. I often wonder if I didn't feel as in control with the decision to end my marriage - if my husband was serious about leaving me and I couldn't change it...how I'd feel then. If suddenly it would be clear how much I really do love him. Again though, the problem for me is that I may not have a choice because alcohol is so much in the way.
Not sure that helps..but know I can relate and try to answer questions since I understand where your wife is coming from.
- MBM
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saron
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Post by saron on Nov 15, 2010 14:38:37 GMT -8
My husband kind of knew the entire time it was going on. I first told him I had feelings for my POA about a month in, b/c I was hoping that by telling him it would go away. Then b/c my husband is my best friend, at the beginning, everytime my POA hurt me - which was often! - I would cry to him, and swear I was going to be done...but then I couldn't do it.
When he gave me the divorce or give him up ultimatum, I told him that I would need him back in our bed (he'd been in the guest room), and that if it was going to stick he was going to need to sit with me through those anxious times. The addict in me would rage at him as I was going through withdrawal. Twice during that first month he had to come home early from work and just sit with me and let me cry and scream and feel all of those feelings.
To be honest, if my husband had left, I probably would have been "over" him in a week, too b/c the addiction distorts everything true...and I would have felt free like - oh, now I can talk to POA and not have to hide it...blah, blah, blah. BUT...eventually I would have hit bottom and realized what I gave up and then it would have been too late. I never wanted to BE with POA. I just couldn't figure out how to let him go. I'm glad I didn't get to that place.
Does your wife admit she has a love addiction? That is the very first step in my opinion. The beast can only be defeated if you are aware of what you are fighting...and even then it's rough.
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Post by startingnew on Nov 15, 2010 17:51:03 GMT -8
Thank you everybody for your words, Saron, yes she does admit to having a major problem that she has no idea how to fix it. She has all the tools to help herself and she has not used it. She only blames herself for all of this but either way, I want to help.
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saron
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Post by saron on Nov 15, 2010 18:14:29 GMT -8
Is she open to reading through posts on this board. Seeing how others dealt with saying goodbye. I truly feel that No Contact - if possible - is the best way to go. That's the only thing that finally saved me, although the thought of it made me crazy initially!
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 15, 2010 18:19:59 GMT -8
Hi starting new and welcome. Its a beginning of an awesome journey of learning. I have learned and grown more in the last 6 months than I have in my whole life. Its really a journey.
One thing I learned is I cant make anyone be or do what I want them to do. I can however chose how I react to what they do. And I chose to protect me. I am learning about boundaries. I have actually been able to set them and stand by my boundaries that protect me.
In other words you can want to and heal yourself. But your wife has to be the one to work on her healing herself. Its good that youre supportive but the healing has to start with her desire to do so.
runrunrun
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Post by startingnew on Nov 16, 2010 4:43:34 GMT -8
Hello runrunrun, I appreciate the words of advice, and I do hope that there will be plenty of learning going on. And saron, I have always mentioned ( as well as the therapist) that she has to stop all contact, and during initial conversations and for that moment, she acts like she wants to, but then, by the time the next day rolls around, she is over it and it kills me. I dont feel I need to be dependent on just anybody, but I do feel I should be able to depend on my wife in the time of need and vice versa, but it always seems to end up that I am the one giving 100% in every aspect while she sort of goes for the ride. Now thats just my opinion, also based on her telling me she is not giving us her all, but its hard to determine what to do when I am being told one thing one minuite and then there is absolutly no follow through the next. She would probably read through these and often times I will send her articles to her e-mail about how to help her let go, but I feel it just becomes forgotten after the computer is shut off. We have tried to talk and either I get a bunch of "I dont know's" or I get upset because she wont open then we argue. I more than appreciate the help you are giving saron as you have been in my wifes shoes and can give me a different perspective.
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Post by freedman on Nov 16, 2010 5:45:25 GMT -8
Hello Starting New. As I read your posts I keep thinking. The Dance of the Wounded Souls. I would search that out read all about codependecy and love addiction. It does get better , but I have to work on my recovery. That's my experience. I can't change anyone else. It is exhausting. Doing the same thing and expecting different results. Also the 12 Steps really work. Recovery has taught me to be responsible for my actions and reactions. The work is well worth it. Sometimes we have to let go of the ones we love. If they come back then it is meant to be. Unless they are a narcissist. They will try to keep coming back and back. I stay away from them. Don't give up and it is really important to take this one day at a time.
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saron
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Post by saron on Nov 16, 2010 5:50:21 GMT -8
My POA treated me horribly. He was push and pull with me, and even with that added motivation I fought no contact for 18 months. I would be resolute during therapy sessions as well...and I really meant it at the time...but then the anxiety would overtake me as I tried to execute no contact, and I would reluctantly make contact to make the anxiety stop.
What is her dynamic with the POA - from your understanding? Is he "good" to her or does he treat her poorly?
My husband stuck with me because he knew how good it was before all of this happened. But, he was ready to walk if I blew this "last chance." I'm really glad I didn't, because I found myself again. I was in such darkness during the addiction and I had no idea how much it had changed me, until I was on the other side of the withdrawal....but, as others have said....you have to decide what your limit is going to be. My husband and I also have 2 small children and
I know that played into his decision to give it one last shot as well. I would not label my husband as a co-dependent at all! I would say that he believed in our marriage and he knew that I was sick....this was not ever my typical behavior prior.
May I ask what your religious beliefs are?
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Post by startingnew on Nov 16, 2010 6:59:24 GMT -8
Hello saron, I know everybody says that they need to take it day by day, but it almost feels like that movie "Groundhog Day" where the same day just keeps repeating and repeating. It is hard for me to really tell just exactly how my wife and her POA's dynamic is because all she has ever given me was lies, so I can only go based on that. She has told me that she does have feelings for them, but they always argue, and all they talk about work. I have been told that the POA is very clingy and whenever she has threatened to leave her POA, they go nuts, and I would assume threatens to tell me things that I may not know, and not sure if they still do it or not, but the POA use to threaten suicide. Its a very crazy scenario, and part of me is just in such a rush to get through this so I can be with my wife, since it has been a few years of dealing with this already, but I know it cant be rushed.
Religion with me isnt super complicated. I am not a big church go-er, as well as i really couldnt tell you the difference in all of the religions, but I do believe in the big guy upstairs and feel if you live your life honestly, then you will be o.k.
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 16, 2010 11:16:25 GMT -8
Starting new,
Oh, if you are asking how I would feel and act as the codependent love addict then I could tell you that. If someone was seeing a defect in me or my actions and telling me how to change then I would rebel big time. I am a head strong stubborn codependent. I only change when I see the damage my actions have done to me and to others, not when someone tells me of the damage done. And this is exactly what happened to me. I finally saw the result of my actions and I learned what issues I had, then I decided to change my ways.
If I were in a relationship with someone who did not respect my boundaries or meet my needs and I communicated these needs to this person then I would rethink the relationship. My ex bf did not meet my needs. He put me under tons of stress and he was untrusting big time. I talked to him about this a lot but he is who he is and would not change. Then it was up to me to decide what action I was going to take to protect myself.
I saw who he was. It wasnt what I wanted. He refused to meet my needs or change. So I left. We have to protect ourselves.
runrunrun
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Post by startingnew on Nov 16, 2010 15:11:28 GMT -8
You make a great point runrunrun, its almost like the child that was told not to do something or the teenage girl who can't see the boy she likes, they are both gonna do it just because they are not suppose to. Ive gotten the point where part of me is completly over what has happened between us and want to just focus on getting my wife better, but the other half fears this is just another ploy to keep on with seeing the POA. This is all so unreal as I would have never imagined my wife addicted to someone else. This seriously breaks me down on so many levels, but I have been told I am a strong person, so I guess that is going to be tested.
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 17, 2010 2:09:45 GMT -8
Having your spouse addicted to someone else would probably get to anyone, even the strongest of people. Take care of you. Maybe if she sees you taking care of you she will join in and take care of herself. One thing codependents learn that part of recovery is to stop taking care of everyone else and make ourselves first priority. I mean stop taking care of adults. Young children need us but they also need us healthy too.
runrunrun
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Post by startingnew on Nov 18, 2010 4:34:44 GMT -8
This is where the difficulty comes into play, I know some of my feelings are part of the codependency, but the desire for a family and a loving spouse in my life I feel is partially due to the way I was raised. My family was very loving and we barely ever argued (except with the brother of course), but all I ever saw was a loving family and that family was number one in which I agree, so when an important rule is to take care of yourself and your priorities to make you happy, it has always been family for me that is my number one source of happiness. Unfortunutly, I cant have that happiness right now and thats what hurts and confuses me at the same time, since focus is on me, and my life has always been for family. My wife wants things to happen naturally in our marriage but nowadays with all the stresses of life with money, work, and the demands of kids, letting things happen naturally isnt what keeps marriages together. There has to be alot of work and effort on both parts. Everything feels so one sided and that has my stress levels very high.
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Post by runrunrun on Nov 18, 2010 5:41:47 GMT -8
Starting, it really seems that you want to make your wife into what you want her to be and basing your happiness on that. Happiness doesnt come from the other people in your life. If it did then people who are single living alone would not be happy. But they are. Their happiness comes from other things. I learned to stop waiting for others to provide for my happiness. They wont and cant. Its something I have to do for myself.
runrunrun
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Post by startingnew on Nov 18, 2010 6:16:53 GMT -8
I am not trying to make my wife into anything is the problem, I have gone by exactly what she has told me based on she doesnt want me to give up, and to that she wants us and this family, etc, etc. Yet somehow I always end up being the bad guy in all of this is what kills me. We are suppose to communicate with our spouses and that is all that I have asked, and yeah, I may not be perfect all of the time with it, but when my spouse is telling me one thing and is doing another, then maybe im just the naive one for believing that I am what she seems to want. I understand that this disease is a devistating event to marriages, and I have stuck around for three years of the fight and done everything in power, and been a "puppet" for my spouse and following what I have been told, whether it is just being told what I want to hear, or is the true feelings, there is no way to explain the pain that comes with someone toying with your heart and hopes like that and I in no way feel that I am trying to make her into anything except by what she tells me what she wants. By all means RUNRUNRUN, I am NOT arguing or mad at you in anyways on here, I am strictly venting and I hope you do not take it that way. Im just tired of being told one thing and everything is complete opposit.For example, Its like someone telling you they can not live without a pet dog, and you get them a puppy and they tell you they cant stand animals in general at all, they say one thing they want and when you do it, they say it is in no way what they want. I have bent over backwards and everytime I do what is asked its another backstab or completly opposite. What the heck am I suppose to do!! Guess I need to stop being that rat in the maze chasing the cheese( wanted life) that really isnt there.
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Post by startingnew on Nov 18, 2010 7:51:32 GMT -8
Wouldnt that mean she is acting like she wants to change herself? I am going by what SHE tells ME she wants, not by what I want, of course I want a happy marriage, but she tells me she wants us and doesnt want me to give up and that she will never be with this POA again, yet wont stop with the contact. I know the keeping contact is part of the love addiction, but I am going by what she tells me she wants. So I would have to disagree that me wanting this family and trying to change her into a content person as SHE has asked is not controlling on my part. I understand I can not cure everyone I come into contact with and I know she has to want to help herself. So in definition that you described, she is actually controlling ME is the way that I see it. That is my fault for allowing it and it plays with my hopes of being a happy family once again, and maybe thats all that she is doing to keep me around because she knows that I will go to great lenghts for my family. Only she knows the answer to that.
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I'm sure it feels that way. From the addicts mind though it almost doesn't feel like a choice. Sure, it IS a choice, but the compulsion makes it feel like it isn't. I didn't even get a "high" from being in contact with him..I didn't love him...I didn't even like him, but the anxiety when I wasn't in contact with him would get so overwhelming. At the time I didn't realize that if I just sat in that anxiety it would pass. That's the process. Sitting in those awful anxious feelings...feeling like you're going to explode or die...and then getting on the other side of it. 
